If I Dress Like A Hipster, Will I Like PBR?

I don’t know what’s more disturbing:  the fact that I accidentally got drunk on beer before the afternoon was even over (ewww gross – beer!); or, the fact that it was so easy for me to find clothing and accessories in my house that fit the hipster milieu.

 In any event, for some reason I got this crazy idea that if I surrounded myself with hipster accessories, and even went as far as to dress like one, that I would somehow magically begin to like PBR as well.  I thought this would be the best way to test my hypothesis that it is being a hipster that makes you actually enjoy Pabst Blue Ribbon.  The only other possibility is that being a hillbilly will influence your actual enjoyment of PBR, and since we have already established that hipsters are just hillbillies in vintage, it seems pointless to test both.  (Not to mention, I would have to dress in overalls and take serial photographs of myself sitting on the toilet:  the former I am unable to do for I own no overalls; the latter I am sure you all do not really want to see…)

Here are the results (you will note I have added the typical, hipster photo effects to get the true feeling that – for this day only – I really became a hipster):

I decided to only sample four beers, because really I hate beer.  PBR was to be included as one of the four; my photographer and beer sampling administer (thanks dad!) chose these:  Tecate, Corona Extra, Coors Light, and PBR

As I said, I surrounded myself with everything-hipster.  That was to test my hypothesis that it is being a hipster that makes you actually enjoy Pabst Blue Ribbon.  Included in my surroundings, I had:  an unreasonable amount of Apple products, a pile of scarves (ready for wear if needed, despite the fact that it was 90 degrees out), colored sunglasses, a ridiculous hat (the only thing that would have been worse would be a vintage fedora … but the hipsters do love their retarded beanies), and an oversized and unmatched outfit … disturbingly put together from my very own closet.  The drinks were hidden behind a black box and a wall of the extra cans of PBR.

It was rough for me to choke down that beer, but I’ve had enough in my hey day to guess at 75% correctness.  This blogger hasn’t had beer in a long time, though, so obviously I felt a little rusty drinking it.

I got Tecate right!  I’ve had Tecate a lot in my life – and I still do enjoy the taste.

Coors Light was wrong.  I didn’t like it and never have, so it is no wonder I guessed it was Rolling Rock.  I’m not the biggest fan of American beers on the rare occasions that I do drink them, so it is no surprise that I had no clue (really) what I was drinking on the second round.

Obviously a little tipsy at this point, I got Corona Extra correct!  And I’m still a fan …

I was given a few different samples of the Tecate and the Coors Light before we moved on to the PBR, just for the sake of making sure I didn’t figure out what I was drinking.  Obviously the level of hatred I have towards hipsters would have skewed the results; nonetheless, when PBR came up I did guess it correctly and I still hated it.

This leaves us to a few possibilities:

  1. My hypothesis that it is being a hipster that makes you actually enjoy Pabst Blue Ribbon was just proved wrong.  This is quite obvious.
  2. You could further hypothesize that just surrounding yourself with hipster-esque things does not actually make you be a hipster.  This is a pretty big possibility and is an entire blog altogether, for that would mean that being a hipster is not about the material manifestations of it, but rather an inner state of being.  (I shudder to think that is the case.)
  3. What I really believe this proves is the idea that hipsters will do whatever to conform to the social standards of being a hipster.  It has been cited before on a number of different blogs, websites, and even news articles on Time and various weekly papers.  Hipsters want so badly to be against the grain of social norms that they conform to their own … social norm of (ironic) nonconformity.  
Back to my normal self …
… I am reminded that my real obsession with the hipsters is not that they like certain things or act in a certain way, but that they are complete hypocrites.  They will spend hundreds of dollars on things that look vintage.  They claim a nonconformist attitude by going at great lengths to conform.  They argue for individual rights and respect, while letting their parents pay for everything well into middle age.  They will even go as far as to drink a drink that really does taste like it came from a toilet bowl, merely for the sake of saying “we like cheap.”  But the Pabst Blue Ribbon wasn’t even really that cheap – it was comparable in price to all of the other beers I sampled.  A friend from Chicago even told me yesterday that at bars out there a pint of it will cost you about $6.50 – more than I have ever seen a person pay for a pint of beer.  Hipsters are one of my biggest pet peeves merely because in hoards they are creating even more stupidity and hypocrisy in American society, something I really think we already have enough of.
Special thanks to my dad, Raymond Schmidt, for setting up the beer tasting and taking the photographs.  He’s a writer too … you can find him on Amazon by clicking here.

Introducing the Hillbilly Chronicles

What is the deal with people’s obsession with the unfortunate majority of our society that seems to always like their business in the front and the party in the back?  You know who I’m talking about … the overall-wearing, beat-up truck-driving, Coors-drinking, tooth-missing, sister-marrying, I-like-to-post-photographs-of-myself-on-the-toilet-on-the-Internet hillbillies.  Perhaps I’m stereotyping, but then ultimately classifying someone as such is really nothing more than applying stereotypes to a person in the first place.  So yeah, I’m talking about hillbillies.

Here’s the deal:  every day I check on my blog stats and included in the daily WordPress report is a list of things people searched for that brought them to my blog.  I think I have blogged about “hillbilly” topics twice, maybe three times at most.  And yet, the most popular search terms on a day-in, day-out basis are relative to hillbillies, rednecks, trailer trash, white trash, and the like.  Shockingly, the most popular hillbilly-related searches are tied at “hillbilly shit” and “hillbilly marries sister.”  It is unprecedented how many times people search those exact terms, thus I have to ask:  what is the obsession with hillbillies?

Is it because nine out of ten hillbillies have a haircut that both (a) was out of style in the early 80s, and (b) is known to look horrible, and yet still worn.  I’m talking, of course, about the mullet.  There really is no way you can do a mullet right.  I can’t even understand, really, why so many people still have them.  And sometimes they just look so awful you have to just wonder:  do these people think they’re being funny?  Take this kid for example.  Is it possible that when this kid got his hair cut he actually was being serious?  Look at him!  It doesn’t even make sense!  On the very top it’s buzzed but then in the very front he has partial bangs.  In the back he has the ultimate of mullet parties going on, and the sides have some shaved design.  A shaved design?  Does this kid not have parents?  The whole mullet thing in itself is an anomaly, so I can see why hillbillies would fascinate people.  This can’t be the sole reason for such popularity that hillbillies carry, though, for if it were then people would have been searching “mullet” rather than “hillbilly.”  The mullet may be a big part of it, but it certainly isn’t the crux of it all.

How about the outlandish things that hillbillies do, like marry their sisters and post photographs online of themselves on the toilet – is it that?  You even start to type “hillbilly” into Google Image search and by the “…bi…” you’ve got photo after photo of those people sitting on the toilet popping up on your screen.  It doesn’t end there – they’ve even begun taking videos of themselves on the can and posting them on Youtube, and seem to be on a search to find the most bizarre places possible that they can plant said can for use.  As I said, the one that shows up frequently in the search terms on my blog site statistics is “hillbilly marries sister.”  There are even interesting variations that show up:  “toothless hillbilly marries sister;” “hillbilly marries pregnant sister;” and even “hillbilly marries sister with shotgun in hand and overalls falling down.”  While it’s possible that the outlandish behaviors of the trashier members of our community is the cause of such unprecedented popularity on my blog, I’m pretty sure that this alone isn’t the driving force behind the obsession either.  I think the proof for that lies in the other most prevalent search term that leads people to my blog “hillbilly shit.”

It’s gotta’ be the hillbilly shit.  I know I’ve dropped the s-bomb enough times on this post to ensure I never make it on WordPress’s Freshly Pressed, but it’s important to dissect this oft-searched term in finding the truth behind the Hillbilly Chronicles.  The search term “hillbilly shit” has shown up enough times on my site statistics that either there is one person out there so obsessed with my blog that (after realizing the term would result in my site), they keep typing it in for the sake of finding my blog; or, much more likely, a lot of people truly hold an air of “I’m better than that hillbilly shit.”  I think it’s the latter.  I think that people are so obsessed with hillbilly culture because they think of themselves as better than it.  Have you ever searched online for the definitions or pictures of something for the sole purpose of justifying that you are not, in fact, it?  That’s what the proponents of the “hillbilly shit” search are doing.  And why wouldn’t they think they are better when 9 out of 10 are walking around with ridiculous hairdos; and many more act in ways that leave one thinking what was that guy thinking?!  Whether it is from truth or not, hillbillies are associated with everything our society doesn’t want:  unemployment, welfare, teenage pregnancy, incest, unattractiveness, drunk driving, and Wal-mart.  Now while it is most certainly unfair to peg all hillbillies as (in most cases) degenerates to society (and believe you me, I know a lot of hillbillies that are not, and yet still are unambiguously hillbillies), it should then come as no surprise that people search in an effort to remind themselves of what they are not.

That may be the more pejorative way to look at it:  finding the bad in people, rather than the sheer possibility of fun that can come of just looking at pictures of mullets and reading about another incestuous shot-gun wedding.  Whatever it may be, hillbillies are a popular topic, one this blogger cannot ignore.  As it normally goes when you sell your soul for the sake of ratings, I cannot deny the readers what they want.  All-things-hillbilly can now be found under their own tab on my Homepage:  The Hillbilly Chronicles.  Check back frequently for updates, old posts, and all the mullets and overalls you can handle.