Buy My Book Now, Or Else My Next One Will Be About You

Kidding. (Not kidding.) Okay you guys, my book was set to come out on Tuesday, June 4th. Tomorrow for me. Today at this point for some of you. Then I got an email today saying it would be delayed because of some bullshit on Amazon. I was so devastated. I threw myself around for about…

The Main Reason You Should Never Use My Bathrooms

I have two bathrooms. One is the kid bathroom, which is decorated with this cute kid-ish nature wall art. The other is our bathroom, which has nature stuff all around it too, only it’s more “mature.” You never want to use my bathrooms. Let’s say you’re a friend who has come over to babysit. You…

Screw Yourself Sideways, Spring Cleaning

I’ve been spring cleaning for about a week. At first it was as it always is – like a new boyfriend. I was excited. My heart a’fluttered at the thought of trashing some of the crap we have and never use. The first night I couldn’t even get to sleep – the wheels in my…

A Merry Cantankerous Christmas To You

Have I mentioned to all of you faithful blog followers before that I hate the holidays? The spending and the family and the lines and the gimme-gimme-gimme-what’d-you-get-mes… it is all just a little much for me. So as we now close into the final stretch, I’ve pretty much been drinking heavily, swearing profusely, and emotionally…

STFU Fridays: Seasons Greetings, Faithful Blog Followers!

Seasons Greetings, and kiss my fucking ass that is! There has been a lot of talk about Christmas letters lately. Blogs are talking about them. People are talking about them. My grandpa fell the other day and is in the hospital recuperating, and keeps whining that he won’t get his Christmas letter done in time…

I Think I Have An Obsession With Balls

Balls on a stick, covered in frosting and sprinkles. Balls mixed with egg and simmered in cranberry sauce for a few hours. Balls made out of cheese and chutney, rolled in a variety of nuts and miscellaneous hanging fruit. Balls drizzled in caramel and covered in – big surprise – nuts. These will be the…

We Interrupt Our Regular STFU Programming For a Burp

Holy Mother of all that is good, this was by far the crappiest, most horrible and heinous week I’ve had in a long time. Don’t get me wrong, my life usually blows a big one. And I mean bigger than an elephant’s schlong, or that World’s Biggest Thermometer out in the Mohave Desert. This one…

Why I Could Never Be a Golddigger

Note, this blogpost is not titled “why I don’t think it’s right to be a golddigger;” or “why I would never be a golddigger.” It’s Why I Could Never Be a Golddigger, which I’ll get to in just a minute. Why I do think it’s right to be a golddigger, quite simply put is because golddiggers get shit…