My Horrible Evening At Pukeplantation


Am I overwhelming you most faithful blog followers with too many posts? This is something like the fourth in two days, I’ve just really had a lot to say these past few days. I promise, I’ll slow down (maybe).

Went to dinner this evening. Just me and Pookies, which meant that it ended up being somewhere kid-friendly. I wasn’t in the mood for Denny’s or Panera Bread, though; and fast food was of course out of the question. So Souplantation it was.

Now I do typically enjoy Souplantation. Typically. We used to live in the heart of Los Angeles and had a really nice one. One that had everything, plus amazing customer service. Their space was bigger than any restaurant I had ever been to. And it was walking distance from our apartment – just awesome.

The Souplantation out here is a far cry from that; although it was still decent up until recently. In the last few months, though, it’s become a little ghetto. Or perhaps more accurately, it’s become proof that the town in which we live is going downhill. More white trash. A lot people running into each other and acting like total pigs. Basically the entire swath of the state of nature, all packed into one tiny restaurant with a 210 person capacity.

Sad to say, today was the last time we will ever go to that Souplantation. By the time you get through our experience, hopefully you will support my decision.

4:45 pm

We cruise into the Souplantation parking lot. It looks like the dinner rush is starting to get there a little early, but then again it shares the parking lot with Ross – dress for less – so maybe it’s just overflow from early high school prom shoppers.

4:50 pm

Finally inside, we are beginning to make our way through the line. A family of four has come in behind us. The husband is holding a baby that looks like it hasn’t been bathed. Ever. The husband begins sneezing. I start to push Pookies a little quicker down the salad bar. I notice the fourth in their group is a teenager. He has blue hair, in a flock of seagulls cut. He has handcuffs hanging from his belt buckle. Maybe he’s just broken out of jail. He starts sneezing too.

5:00 pm

I’ve paid and we’ve found a booth as far away from the rest of the people that are already seated. Kids are screaming and running around. The family of four sit near us shortly afterwards.

5:05 pm

I go to get drinks. The drink bar is in complete view of the table, so I go alone. The kid with the blue flock of seagulls hair cut walks past our table, and it looks like he has said something. I rush back to the table.

5:15 pm

Finishing up the salad and it’s starting to get packed. People are sneezing, coughing, belching, and ripping ass everywhere. The woman sitting at the table next to us actually lifted her ass to blow one – I kid you faithful blog followers not. You know I’m not a fan of ass jokes, this is really happening.

I decide we are not at Souplantation. We are at Pukeplantation. Time to get some Pukeplantation soup.

5:18 pm

I’m waiting at the soup bar to get the chicken and alphabet soup. There is a rather portly man in a hooded sweatshirt and khaki shorts filling four bowls. I assume he is getting them for multiple people. Or that he really likes the soup. In spite of all the belching and burping and blowing and puking and sneezing and snotting, I will admit – that soup is tasty. He is taking forever though, so people are getting in line behind me, and I inch a little closer. He turns around and rips a belch so loud, so ferocious, that I swear I see his lips quiver. Like Barney on The Simpsons. Or worse.

As I’m dishing up the soup, I realize he’s belched a piece of chewed food onto my sweater.

5:25 pm

I have had about enough of this place. Having totally lost my appetite wiping the stranger’s food off my sweater, I sit and wait quietly. The lady sitting next to us rips another one. Her husband tells stories about “Rod in seasonal” grabbing his ass. He’s wearing a Home Depot polo shirt. I assume he works at the Home Depot in the same shopping complex. I make a mental note never to go this Pukeplantation or that Rip Ass-Grab Butt Depot ever again. I consider running to my car and speeding home to drink heavily and forget about this place.

But the deal with Pukeplantation is that dessert is always a given. Fat free frozen yogurt is a healthy way to dessert anyway. I sprint to the yogurt machine so that we can leave soon.

5:32 pm

There are four exits from this particular Pukeplantation. The one closest to us is in the back of the building and we are parked in the front, but rather than wade our way through the belches and boogers of this rancid state of hillbilly nature, we walk out the back door and just traipse around the entire building to get to my car.

While walking I am informed of what transpired when the blue haired flock of seagulls, jail break walked past our booth while I was getting our drinks. As he walked by, with his handcuffs clanging against his leg, he leaned over and said “hey … your mom’s hot …”

From there we ran to my Jeep.

We will not be returning to that place. Ever. Again. Would you? It concerns me that so many of these experiences are cropping up more and more around my community. Is it just that I’m hanging out in the wrong places? Or is pigslob hillbilly becoming the status quo?

Loud Mouth Lady

It sounds like a song, doesn’t it?  Like I’m going to break out in that song from the wedding singer and continue on to call her the Sophisticated Momma.  Well, faithful blog followers, I wish it were just a song I was referencing.  Do I ever.  But no, I am referencing an actual Loud Mouth Lady.

This evening while visiting my father, we went out to dinner at Mimi’s Cafe.  Priding itself as a French-ish bistro, the place couldn’t be anything further from it, including its loud ass customers.  This is typical of the place, though, and since they have relatively cheap prices and great service, we usually deal with the loudness undisturbed.  Not tonight though!

Seated about four tables behind us was a table of three women, probably about the same age as me, having a ladies night out for salads at Mimi’s.  Not exactly what I would call a “ladies night,” but then I soon learned they were all newlyweds and off the market.  (But I’m off the market and still wouldn’t call that a ladies night…)  And actually, before any of our drinks were at the table, I learned just about everything about these women and their miserable marriages, particularly the loud one.

The loud one is married to a man named Dan whom she has been emasculating since they were dating.  His friends said she was not marriage material but she took great offense to this, and so now Dan has no friends and they are married.  Her biggest problem with him at first was the fact that he had three drawers full of socks.  Dan, of course, now has half of one.

A little later on I learned that Loud Mouth Lady also works with her husband, Dan.  But she doesn’t actually think he’s qualified to do the job he is in, so she talks smack about him to their coworkers nonstop.  None of this topped the defining moment of her incessant and nonstop chattering, though; that being when she announced that the worst part of being married was the sex, “but I just got used to laying there and letting him screw me until he was over it.”

I don’t think there was one person in that place who does not feel personally acquainted, now, with Loud Mouth Lady and her poor and seemingly pathetic husband, Dan.  Children in the restaurant were sitting with parents covering their ears; a table of people actually got their food to go because they couldn’t take the noise.  She was really just that awful.

Now, sure – just like that ridiculous woman at the library over the summer had every right to let her idiot kid run wild through the library, Loud Mouth Lady tonight at Mimi’s had every right to be a loud mouth.  Interestingly enough, this reminded me of a scenario when I was having coffee with a few friends a couple years ago at a local Starbucks.  We were talking and being relatively quiet (quieter than everyone else in the store), but after a while someone came over and asked us to quiet down because we were bothering them.  At the time I remember feeling completely indignant – how dare they ask me to quiet down, especially when we were being quieter than other people in the place?!  But now I can completely understand how one person being too loud for you can truly ruin your time out.

But then there is the matter of how to act as a functional member of society.  I am a big proponent of cursing, swearing, vulgarity – what have you; but there is a time and a place.  Yelling at the top of your voice in the middle of a restaurant is probably not the best place to be yelling “fuck” and “shit” every other word, or talking about letting your husband “screw” you while you lay there, a cold, dead fish.  This is like the cell phone argument, or the crazy children argument – in a restaurant, at what point has a person crossed a line?  I would argue that Loud Mouth Lady did.