REMINDER: You Do Not Have To Post On Facebook To Be Grateful

Shocking, I know.

You are capable of being something – anything – without posting it on the Internet.

A lot of people are doing that whole month long grateful post thing. You know, the thing where every day, for the entire month of November, you post a pithy status update on your social media app of choice professing loudly and clearly for all to hear that – YES, YOU ARE GRATEFUL.

If this is your thing, cool. Let me say that again for the people in the back: IF THIS IS YOUR THING, COOL.

I am not saying you shouldn’t do it.

But don’t be coming at me with bullshit like the claim that I am not grateful because I choose to not post a daily gratitude affirmation for the entire world to read.

Honestly, people.

Here’s the thing about Facebook. It’s a place where people can, much like in Las Vegas, be just about anything they want to be. Grateful is one of them. It’s all about the impression that you give people with your Facebook impressions, and all that jazz.

There are going to occasionally be people posting about gratitude that actually are the most terrible, selfish and ungrateful people on the planet. And there are similarly going to be people that don’t post the whole gratitude thing, and appreciate things more than you could ever imagine. This is the result of the Internet’s ability to let people unabashadly craft their own persona, based on reality or not.

So this can serve as a little reminder for those of you that are in the back, and haven’t gotten the memo just yet: you do not have to post on Facebook – or anywhere else – about being thankful to actually be grateful for what you have.

To All You Jerks Looking For Something To Be Thankful For…

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In the previous two years, I’ve made it sort of a tradition to talk crap about people that do that daily thankful post on Facebook.

See post one here…

See post two here…

It always goes the same (the posts on Facebook):

Day 1

Day1

Then by a week in, Day 7

Day2

Somewhere around Thanksgiving, they’ve run out of ideas, Day 20

Day3

And finally, of course, after all this gratuitous thankfulness, December returns everything to normal

Dec1

To quote my 90s self: gag me with a spoon.

Here’s the thing about these thankful posts: if you are thankful every day of the year, that’s awesome. You don’t have to post about it on Facebook to prove it; you can if you want to. Doing it just in November for the occasion of Thanksgiving, when you can’t even come up with things that you are sincerely and unselfishly thankful for, only to turn right around and return to being a blazing, ungrateful asshole every other day of the year … well, it stinks.

What stinks even more than that is how frequently people come to my blog looking for things to be thankful for, during the month of November.

As I said before, I’ve made it sort of a tradition to talk shit about those thankful posts over the last two years on this blog. That means that over the years, the more people have read and searched out the keywords used in those posts, the higher they’ve been indexed on Google.

Translation: a lot of friggin’ people are Googling “things to post thankful on Facebook” and landing on my blog as a result.

To All You Jerks Looking For Something To Be Thankful For …

Just. Fucking. Stop. It. NOW.

If you have to Google things to be thankful for, chances are you AREN’T ACTUALLY THANKFUL FOR THOSE THINGS.

If you cannot come up with shit that is original, real, unselfish, immaterial, and sincere, chances are you SHOULDN’T BE THANKFUL FOR THOSE THINGS.

If you need a month and a holiday, and a holiday that celebrates gluttony and the slaughtering and genocide of entire nations of innocent people at that, to remind yourself that you should be even the slightest bit grateful for the things you have in your life, chances are YOU’S A DICK.

Here’s the moral: we should all be grateful for what we have, every day of the year. Even if it isn’t much. Even if it’s a lot. It could all be gone in an instant, and it is usually the self-aggrandizing November Facebook thankful posters that don’t seem to realize that. If you want to do your little tradition of posting crap on Facebook you are thankful for, fine – by all means, it is your page. But be sincere about it. Don’t post thankfulness for things like your cellphones and your unmistakable talents in whatever you seem to think you are so talented at.

And for God’s sakes, jerks of the Internet: if you have to Google it, you have some major reevaluating of your lives to do that goes well beyond just finding things to post on Facebook.

STFU Fridays: “I’m Thankful For …” Facebook Posters

Ok, so after this week’s Shut the Fuck Up Fridays, I’m probably going to lose about 75% of my Facebook friends after they get a gander at this one. But hear me out before you all get your panties in a wad.

The Cliche “I’m Thankful For…” Facebook Posters

Are you one of those “I’m thankful for …” Facebook posters that never comes up with anything original beyond “friends,” “family,” “a roof over my head,” and other miscellaneous, hackneyed, and seemingly-cliche bullshit?

I have a friend who basically copies and pastes her “I’m thankful for…” Facebook posts each day from the year before. I imagine she has an Excel spreadsheet at home with what she posts for each day of the month leading up to Thanksgiving. And I have yet to see anything original. It’s always husband, house, health – that kind of crap. It’s OK to be thankful for those things, but for God’s sakes: the Internet is about finding things that are unique, not logging on and seeing all 346 of your friends posting “I am thankful for my family!”

In other words, put some thought into it!

So if you are one of these people; these cliche “I’m thankful for…” Facebook posters that cannot look beyond the basic things in life that you might have even an inkling of gratitude for – well, you can just shut the fuck up.

The Narcissistic “I’m Thankful For…” Facebook Posters

I mean generally speaking, the whole “I’m thankful for…” thing is a little self-centered to begin with. Facebook is bad enough with the self-centered posts about what we’re eating/doing/ watching/wearing/loving/experiencing; and every fucking person out there is always blathering on about how wonderful their lives are (as if they really can be that great). But then we have this “I’m thankful for…” thing in the month of November leading up to Thanksgiving, and we’re really hit with the hardcore narcissism.

Now I can’t say this is the case with all of the “I’m thankful for…” Facebook posters, but there are definitely a few out there that just use it as an opportunity to talk about themselves even more than they already do. “I’m thankful for … my great hair.” “I’m thankful for my husband’s hot ass.” “I’m thankful for the wonderful workers at Starbucks who always know just what my order is.” Blah blah blahbitty blah.

Do you know what I’m thankful for? People that are in Africa right now teaching children that would otherwise not be taught. Do you know what else I’m thankful for? Modern medicine for which many of us might not be here now if it weren’t for. I have a long list and none of it has to do with my hair or my husband or my coffee.

If you are one of these narcissistic “I’m thankful for…” Facebook posters; who doesn’t devote at least a few of your days to things outside of your wonderful sphere of life, well then you can just shut the fuck up too.

The “I Don’t Usually Do These Kinds of Things”

“I’m Thankful For…” Facebook Posters

These motherfuckers really get under my skin. They start every “I’m thankful for…” post with some bullshit about how they are jumping on the bandwagon even though they never usually do this chainletter-type Facebook game bullshit.

This one bitch that used to be on my Facebook (operative words: used to) would post every chain letter status update shit she could get her grubby hands on. She’d do the childhood molestation awareness month profile photo thing. She’d do the “I like it on the kitchen table” status update bullshit. She posted every meme and quote and stupid guilt tripping thing about it being brother’s week or mother’s week or sister’s week or “like if you love your daughter” day, and she posted every one of those stupid shit status updates about how 89% of people won’t repost it.

That bitch fucking always participated in that bullshit. But then every year she’d start every single one of her stupid fucking “I’m thankful for…” Facebook posts with “I don’t usually do these things, but I’ll jump on the thankful bandwagon anyway.”

If you are one of her, you need to for real shut the fuck up. Shut. The. Fuck. UP.

I’m hoping that I haven’t lost any of my Facebook friends over this post. I can only think of a few that I have actually told to shut the fuck up through the course of this STFU Friday. If you have to participate in this “I’m thankful for” Facebook post thing, that is in and of itself bad enough. I mean, why is it that people don’t express how thankful they are for the things they are thankful for at all times of the year? Why do they have to have a holiday to remind them to do so? Does this mean that the only time of year these people actually are grateful for the things they have in their piddly shit lives really is Thanksgiving-time? Well that’s the most pathetic thought on the state of human nature that I have had in a long time.

But I digress…

Regardless of all that, if you have to participate in them anyway, the least you could do is take heed to some simple guidelines. Don’t be cliche. Don’t be a narcissist. And for God’s sake, own up to the fact that you not only do do those kinds of things, but you fucking lap that shit up like I lap up every drop of wine when some splashes out of my glass. If you can’t avoid those three simple “I’m thankful for…” faux pas, well then you really just need to shut the fuck up.