This Whole Cat Thing Is Getting a Bit Tiring…

So when I first started blogging, I posted a blog called “Hello, Mr. Biglesworth…” It was a long time ago when I wrote it, and still one of my proudest pieces. In a nutshell, I was outlining – in a really silly open letter to cats – why I hate them.

I guess I just didn’t have many blog fans then. Not many people responded to the post negatively. Some agreed to disagree. We all walked away chuckling.

983697_579422125435615_1137414111_nFlash forward to now and this huge controversy started with a picture I posted on Facebook, originally found on Epicfail.com. Again, I found it on the Internet and just thought it was funny. I did not take the photograph myself. The cat didn’t look particularly bothered by the makeup. It definitely looked healthy and unabused. I ended up having to follow that up with a blog post, though, after someone wished me to be “mauled by a herd of cats” for posting the photograph.

That was two weeks ago.

Things have not been going so well since then. I have received death threats – yes, “I’m going to send my cat to kill you” threats. I have been given the lesser form of a death threat, the death wish: “I hope you die in a tragic accident involving cats and you burn in hell.” People have suggested I need mental help. They have offered me online mental health counseling. I have been told that my statement “I hate cats” is aggressive, hostile, abusive, psychotic, and illogical. I have lost multiple Facebook fans, and even one Facebook friend.

To say that this whole cat thing is getting a bit tiring is probably an understatement. It’s getting pretty goddamned old, people. I think it’s time we clear a few things up here, once and for all. See if you can pry yourselves away from your daily task of pampering your forty felines for a few minutes to hear me out.

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It Is A Fact That Not All People Like Cats

… and those people that do not like cats are actually – in some cases – clinically sane. Or clinically insane for reasons other than their dislike of cats.

There are a lot of reasons that people don’t like cats. It could be because they had a bad experience with one. Or maybe they are allergic: my reasoning for disliking them. There are all sorts of reasons why people don’t like cats, just like there are all sorts of reasons why others do. And why people like or dislike dogs. Like or dislike bubblegum ice cream or red furniture or high heels or the Chicago Blackhawks.

Having an emotional attachment to an animal does not make it wrong for others to not feel the same way you do. It’s called an opinion based on feelings and personal preferences. We are all entitled to them.

It Is A Fact That All Cats Are Gross

I’m going to go out on a limb here and offer a piece of universal criteria for gross. By “universal” I mean that it applies to all things, and is the case for everyone and everything. It doesn’t matter if you are a cat, a dog, a mouse, a person, a plant, a ghost… if you meet the criteria, you are gross.

Anything that shits in a box and licks its own asshole clean is gross.

So cats are definitely gross, because I have never seen a cat shit in a toilet, and I further have seen every cat I have ever seen – in my entire life – lick its own asshole clean. It’s natural! Of course it does it. Still gross.

This isn’t to say that cat owners are gross. This isn’t to say that cat owners shit in a box and lick their own assholes clean (although, you never know…). It just means that cats are gross, and that is a fact by the criteria I outlined above.

It Is A Case In Point Fact That Cats Are Not Humans

I know that a lot of people consider their cats to be family. And human. I myself consider our fish and guinea pig to be a part of our household unit.

But the fact remains that a pet is a pet. Not a human being. An animal. Not all people like them, and more over: not all people can be around them. A lot of people out there have very serious allergies to animals. I am one of them – when I get around cats I wheeze, my throat gets tight, and I even have had asthma attacks from being too close.

The problem with a lot of the cat owners I have encountered, though, is that they actually believe their cats are human beings, and members of their families whose lives are worth more than actual human beings. A lot of them refuse – under all circumstances – to be sensitive to their guests. Now I would never go into another person’s home and demand that they remove their animal, or start bitching and griping about how much a really despise those balls of allergens. But if someone invites me over, it tells me they care about and respect me enough to not let their little box-shitter climb all over me and my things, causing me to have an asthma attack. I mean, if I say nicely that I’m very seriously allergic… would it kill them to put the cat into the other room?

Many cat owners I have encountered don’t give a fuck, though. They just cannot seem to grasp the fact that people are all different. They have different experiences. They have different situations. I have been in a cat owner’s home before, using my inhaler because I cannot breath, and the owner has actually set the cat down on my lap and said “ohhhhh… Pickles wants you to hold her!!!” I don’t dare eat dinner at a cat owner’s home anymore, because I’m allergic to shellfish too and know that even though I nicely say I’m allergic they will likely feed me shrimp.

It is a case in point fact that cats are not humans. If you want to have a relationship with actual people, then you may want to consider putting the pets away for a while. Or else you’ll wind up one of those crazy cat people that has no friends and fifty felines.

Please stop with the angry comments and the death threats and the Facebook fighting and the deletions, people. This whole cat thing is getting a bit tiring. A girl’s allowed to her opinions, just like you’re all allowed to ignore them and walk away.

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Well hello, Mr. Biglesworth

Well hello, Mr. Biglesworth!  How wonderful to see you again.  I see you are enjoying watching one of your favorite shows with a friend.  Shall I return later?

Oh, it’s OK to talk to you now?  You say your friend was just leaving?  Wonderful.  Drive safely!

Well, Mr. Biglesworth, now that your friend has gone, I wanted to talk to you about something of utmost importance.  You see, somewhere along the line, it seems you have forgotten that you are a cat.  Yes, I know … it may come as a shock, since so many people have been feeding in to your delusion for quite some time, but yes.  You are, most certainly, a feline.

Friendly as you may be, we’re going to have to put some ground rules in place, here, because (to be honest) I just can’t take some of it anymore. …what’s that Mr. Biglesworth?  You say you make the rules?  Oh, well I have, here, an Animal Kingdom chart, and you appear to be quite near the bottom of it, Mr. Biglesworth.  So I suppose you won’t be the one making the rules anymore, will you?

To begin, there will be no more use of the human toilets.  You have a liter box, please use it like the animal that you are.  What’s that Mr. Biglesworth?  You protest?  Oh, Mr. Biglesworth, protest is something exclusive to sentient beings, which I think we all know at this point you are not.

Oh, I see.  That was another cat that snuck into our home to use the toilet.  Okay, fine, but if you could just use your liter box that would be great.  Another thing I think is time for us to make a big change on is for you to stop wearing people clothes.

Yes, Mr. Biglesworth, I understand that it is chilly out and you need to keep warm, but to be honest this just creeps me out.  In addition to that, this will be the last meal you eat at the dinner table, you can use your bowl on the floor, which has gone unused for the eight years you have been here.  And, last but not least, if you could refrain from taking over the use of the television remote, that would be much obliged as well.  I think that about covers everything!  Surely you understand that these ground rules are in everyone’s best interest, right?

Mr. Biglesworth!  There is no reason to start yelling!  I’m just trying to do what’s best for everyone, here!  You know, it seems that you should be grateful you are still being afforded luxuries that animals much higher in the Animal Kingdom don’t even get!  You get to keep your ridiculous name, along with all the Sam Cats, Jinxies, Spencer Babies, Snowballs, and other cat names that bare witness to the insanity of their owners.  And must I remind you that in most cultures, you are considered an item of food, rather than a friend?  No, Mr. Biglesworth, I’m not threatening you!  It just seems that you would be a little more humble, considering that I could easily serve you as a delicacy for my Chinese friends that are coming to town next week, most likely expecting me to serve Dragon-Tiger-Phoenix Soup.  Like the Fancy Feast commercial says, every meal should be ‘made with love,’ right Mr. Biglesworth?

Oh good, I’m glad we’ve finally come to an understanding.  You really will get used to the changes.

And anyway Mr. Biglesworth, the truth, here, is that the only thing worse than your name, your behavior, the fact that you are the leading cause of indoor allergies next to dust, your attitude, your overpopulation, your tendency to spread disease-ridden fleas, and the fact that you incessantly lick yourself, is the fact that I am talking to you as if you are my friend.  No, Mr. Biglesworth, you are not my friend.  You’re nothing but a cat.