[Insert Granola Bar Here]

You know that commercial for the granola bars about how kids always say the most inappropriate things at the wrong times (or whatever), and Quaker’s solution was that you shove a granola bar in their mouths?

I always thought I would be a bad parent because that commercial cracked me up. It didn’t crack me up in a “cute kids, glad they aren’t mine”-way, but in a jumping up off the couch, screaming “holy mother of pearl, I want those kids!” manner. Kids that say what’s on their minds and speak the truth – two things I value in myself, so why wouldn’t I value that in my carbon copies?

Because I am an asshole, that’s why.

Lately, the little Pookies proved time and again that blunt and brazen is sometimes awkward. I mean, I still find it hilarious – so much so that I’m thinking about patenting it and calling them “Pookie-isms.” But I’m pretty sure some philanthropic action group devoted to preventing kids from becoming jerks like me would probably get involved.

You decide:

Pookie-isms At Home

On Valentine’s Day, my husband made a commitment to be home on time and have a nice meal with us. He is pretty addicted to his job – answering the phone in the middle of the night even and scheduling all of our vacation time around work projects – so this was a really big deal.

And then he ran into traffic on the way home that fated V-Day and showed up about an hour late. An hour late for him is roughly 8:30 at night – way too late for us to eat dinner, so we had eaten and saved a plate for him, growing angrier and angrier by the minute. He walked in the door around 8:28 and I will never forget what Pookies said as she ran to the door:

“Oh man, you are in the hot seat. She is so mad even her boobs are sweating!”

Pookie-isms At the Grocery Store

Last week or so we were grocery shopping and – as usual – got way more groceries than we needed. I have this thing where I go to the store with a list but then see stuff I forget that we have and think we need; and then before I know it our cart is full and hard to push.

This lady Gloria who is always working on the check stands and has an annoyed attitude all the time gave me this look like I was committing a crime by putting that many groceries on the conveyer belt, and (of course) Pookies noticed.

As we drove away from the grocery store, she said to me: “Momma, do you think that lady was upset because of us, or because she was thinking about the fact that she forgot to shave off her beard this morning?”

Pookie-isms At Dinner

Tonight we ate dinner with my dad. I wasn’t very hungry because it is hot and we had a big lunch; but he was so hungry and we were just hanging around his house doing our laundry for free (versus our $3.50 a load at apartment laundry room), so I figured we’d go along for the ride.

Something about my father that has always driven me crazy is he refuses to run the air conditioner in his car. As I said, today was a particularly hot day, so this was annoying, though the ride was relatively short.

Walking into the cafe, though, Pookies announced as loudly as I think she could have possibly spoken: “”No … you don’t understand – it is so hot in the backseat of that car that my crotch is all sweaty now.”

Pookie-isms With the Grandparents

A few weeks ago my dad was babysitting while I went to get my nails done. As usual, he just went about his daily business – errands, grocery store, post office. Pookies always like to get the mail for him, though, at the post office, and apparently as the envelopes of bills and letters and magazines were being handed over to him, in the crowded post office, a Pookie-ism ripped out so loud even the postal worker snickered: “Grandpa, I think whoever this lady that sent you this card is has the hots for you. She wrote your name in cursive and it smells like lady perfume and junk.”

It was a card from my Great Aunt Dorothy.

Pookie-isms on Personal Hygiene

“I can’t wait until I’m old enough to shave my legs so we can have contests to see whose leg hair gets more grotesque.”

Pookie-isms on Having Babies

“Momma, is the doctor going to cut the baby out of that lady’s tummy soon? Because it looks like the baby may fall out of her.”

Pookie-isms on Children’s Programming

“Caillou is so whiney it makes me want to barf.”

“Do you think maybe the Duncan family has had a few too many babies?” (Good Luck Charlie)

“Maybe Dino Dan would be less of a pansy if he had a dad.”

Pookie-isms on Growing Up Like Mom

“Man, I really hope my boobs aren’t as big as yours when I grow up.”

Somewhat Topical Pookie-isms

By “somewhat topical,” I of course mean reflecting things I seem to talk about all the time. In other words: hillbillies.

I realized shortly after I started blogging that I rail on about hillbillies a lot – likely because it seems our community is overrun by them. Four-by-fours everywhere. People wearing no shirts, riding those little bikes with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths. All sorts of deadbeat dads shirking their child support payments (our county is one of the highest rates in California).

Earlier this week, while driving down the street on the way to swimming class, Pookies was trying to decide what she wanted to have for lunch after class. She waffled between typical kid foods: macaroni and cheese, peanut butter and nutella sandwich; then she whipped out with a Pookie-ism: “Of course, if I was a total hillbilly I would want a hot dog covered in slaw, mustard, and chili. Then I’d puke it out right in the front yard.”

Indeed.

So I suppose the granola bar commercial is right. When the mouths of babes open:

[Insert Granola Bar Here].

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People I Would Have an Affair With

It’s possible, faithful blog followers, that I might delete this post shortly after putting it out there – the idea of it winding up as evidence in divorce court ala Kim Kardashian-style marital values is frightening.  That said, I would never be in a position to even consider or think about or weigh the possibility of having an affair with any of these people, nor would it even be an option, so really we can all chalk this up to crazy old Heather just being silly …

Right …

A couple weeks ago I blogged about people I have had a secret crush on for years.  Included on that list was Conan O’Brien and the young priests on EWTN (I know, I know – I’m going to hell).  I also mentioned in my post about Tom Skilling that I am insanely in love with Wolf Blitzer.  I have no idea what it is, but I get hot flashes when he comes on the TV.  I’m getting them right now, actually.  Anyway, today I was at a book fair participating on a panel about how authors can promote their books and shortly after the talk, I meandered into the book expo that was going on next to the area where all the panel discussions were being held.  To my surprise, a lot of the books were these women’s lib-type, self-helpish books about acknowledging your inner self, your truest desires, and overcoming social boundaries (like marriage).

So I thought it would be fun to take it even one step further with my crushes and my obsessive desire for Wolf Blitzer’s aging body and express my truest desires by making a list of People I Would Have an Affair With, with reasoning why.  I think the ‘why’ is important because you will note my reasoning is much different than just my weird crushes (which one blogger noted seems consistent with a beard fetish).  Social boundaries be damned, I’m sharing my list:

People I Would Have an Affair With

#1 Any dead philosopher circa 1700 – 2000, also Plato

This includes, but is not limited to:  David Hume, Jean-Paul Sartre, Bertrand Russell (I have a hard on for him right now), and Richard Rorty.  This has absolutely nothing to do with anything other than my extreme mental and intellectual needs, which I am positive an affair with any or all dead philosophers would satiate.  That said, look at that intelligent, bald head on Plato … how can anyone be expected to control themselves around that?

#2 Any dead writer from the Lost Generation

Yes, I’m talking about Fitz, Hem, and that crazy Ezra Pound.  Any of those guys that ran in the circle of artists in Paris just after the war get me so hot and bothered I have to take a cold shower.  Right now I’m reading “Flappers and Philosophers” by F. Scott Fitzgerald; the pages of description literally make me drool.  Again, though, you will note that this is a mental-sexual attraction I have, which is completely irrespective of logic, time, or physical appearance.

#3 King Arthur as played by Sean Connery in First Knight

Note:  not King Arthur as played by anyone else in any other movie about Sir Lancelot.  Note further:  not Sean Connery in any other movie but this one.  Note:  not Richard Geer.  I have no idea why, but the silent pain on the face of King Arthur when he catches whats-her-face with the gerbil-lover is hot.

#4 Wolf Blitzer

See previous blogs, particularly My Crush on Conan O’Brien, and Others, Why I Hate Tom Skilling, and Magic 100, or Things I Want to Do Before I Turn 30.

#5 Anyone high up in the Russian government

For some reason, whenever I see Vladimir Putin I get excited.  Something about that stolid, austere demeanor makes me go wild.  I’m also a fan of accents, almost as much as I am a fan of beards.

#6 Dog the Bounty Hunter

I think that danger and the quality of being a badass is exciting to me.  Dog the Bounty Hunter is a complete hillbilly, and yet something about him fascinates me.

#7 Almost anyone in the NBA, with the exception of Kobe Bryant

This is self-explanatory as to why.  Not self-explanatory, though, is my hatred of Kobe Bryant.  Not only do I hate Kobe because he is an illiterate rapist who cheats on his wife and cannot form a complete sentence without sounding like a fifth grader, but he’s a homophobe and egotistical.  But everyone else in the NBA, well come on – who wouldn’t have an affair with a pro-basketball player?

#8 Chris O’Dowd

Here is a real celebrity that is not only in one, particular position; nor that represents a group of people rather than just himself, who also happens to be objectively attractive and within a reasonable age range.  I love Chris O’Dowd – no idea why, except that whole accent thing really drives me nuts.  The other day I watched Bridesmaids and while I was relatively disappointed with the film, itself (so NOT the female version of The Hangover), on the whole his continued presence in the movie saved it for me.  Chris O’Dowd is to me what Mel Gibson is to our moms and Carry Grant was to our grandmas.

#9 Lars Von Trier

If you know anything about me, you know that I cannot stand Lars Von Trier movies.  He’s a complete misogynist, demeaning to women in every way possible, and somewhat talentless in his direction.  That said, he is weird.  Weird, weird, weird, faithful blog followers.  Something about that makes me wonder…

#10 Ross Perot

Is Ross Perot even still alive?  I can’t even attempt to explain this one.  A free B(itch)Log t-shirt to anyone that can…

Okay, so maybe most of the people listed here are dead or of intrigue to me for reasons no one will ever understand; or maybe inside I’m really a skank.  In any event, there’s my list and I’m sticking to it – Kardashian-style divorce filings or not.

Toilet Humor

Okay, for real.  What is going on with people and their obsessions with the bathroom?  I see three arenas where this has become entirely out of control:

1) Jokes About Flatulence and Other Bathroom Incidences in Children’s Movies

The only thing worse than the level of jokes about flatulence in children’s programming and major motion pictures is when they break out the testicular humor.  But seriously, what kind of values can we possibly be teaching children when every other word out of the mouths of the characters that are to give them moral rigor is followed up with a “pull my finger” joke?

2) Flatulence and Other Related Sounds on Phone and Tablet Apps

I don’t know about you, but I did not buy my iPad, nor my HTC EVO, to put applications on them that can reproduce (at the most inopportune time) the loud sounds of activities normally reserved for the bathroom.  What is so funny about this?  I really don’t understand.  There was this woman that I used to work with that would eat about six deviled eggs every day at lunch.  The effects about an hour after she came back are obvious; but no one giggled and laughed like children when it happened.  In fact, we all did quite the opposite.  It made us act more professional and busy to avoid the inevitably awkward eye contact.

3) People’s Obsession With All-Things-Bathroom

Every day I check my site statistics to see who has been visiting my website, what they’ve been looking at, and how they’ve gotten here.  Included in the latter part is a list of search terms that led people to my site – search terms I often take amusement from.  More than anything, though, people are coming to my blog by searching things such as “hillbilly on toilet” and “old hillbilly on toilet.”  It’s my fault, really:  I started it all by blogging about hillbillies so often.  They are a popular subject it seems, not to mention a pet peeve of mine.  And to top it off, I have included one photograph of a hillbilly on his toilet outside, only because it was the first thing that came up when I searched in Google Images “hillbilly outside.”  But why are so many people searching this?  It is literally multiple searches, every single day!

When I began to look into it more, though, I learned it is more than just people’s obsession with hillbillies on toilets.  It’s people’s obsession with all people on toilets.  On YouTube, searching “on toilet” brings up literally thousands of responses – some of which are pranks, where a person was secretly filming another on the toilet; others are people just videoing themselves and uploading it (why?!); even one is someone that is making his own homemade talk show, filmed while he sits daily in the John:  “Toilet Talk With Catterton.”

What is it about toilet humor that is … well, so humorous?  Is this really the level of whit we have dumbed ourselves down to?  I’m all for a dirty joke or two once in a while – but this toilet talk is just out of control.  To me, this is just another sign that our culture is becoming stupider and stupider; and that in our culture of excess, we overdo everything – even our toilet humor.  It would be wonderful if I could see a kid’s movie just once that doesn’t include anal jokes; or walk through the mall to get my rings cleaned and pick up my makeup at Sephora without hearing those ridiculous apps echoing throughout the entire shopping center.  I get it:  people think it’s funny.  A lot of people in this world are rednecks, and rednecks love the synthesis of their two favorite things:  jokes and toilets.  I understand completely.  But at this level?  Seriously?