Countdown to Christmas… How To Wrap Gifts

I hate the holidays. I mean, I think we’ve established that I hate pretty much everything. And everyone. And myself. But I really fucking hate the holidays. Some of you may or may not have been around here long enough to know all the fun details of my relationship with my mother. In a nutshell:…

My Christmas Wish List This Year

I wonder if I just became as obnoxious as Home Depot putting out their fucking Christmas decorations in July; or Target playing Christmas music in October. You know that Black Friday actually begins for many stores at 7 pm on Thanksgiving DAY, now, too. Retailers are literally ramming Christmas up our asses. In the interest…

All I Want For Christmas Is An Animal Carcass

Is that weird? I think it might be. I keep seeing all these commercials about what men should get their wives for Christmas. Get her diamonds, they say. Get her a kitchen appliance, they condescend. Get her gift cards to the mall, they suggest (as if I wouldn’t spend all my husband’s money at the…

Christmas in September

So a few years ago I had the worst Christmas shopping season of my life. I couldn’t find anything I wanted to get. I ended up spending thousands of dollars because I felt desperate and panicked to just get anything. And the day before Christmas Eve, I found out we would be expected to buy…

The Poor Nick Valentine’s Day Special

I have a lot of things to say this fine Monday, much of which has to do with love and Valentine’s Day. So I’m going to do it short and sweet, with just a couple sentences on each topic. If by the end of this you aren’t saying to yourself (at the very least) ‘poor…