Food Prices, Cantaloupe in the Crotch, and a Run-in With Hello Kitty Toaster

Today was a food-centric day. Not that I ate a lot. I had a ham and lettuce sandwich for breakfast (I don’t really like breakfast food). I had a salad for lunch that was made of romaine, carrots, feta cheese, and low fat ranch. And I had stir fried turkey cutlets with a rice and vegetable mixture and homemade french loaf for dinner. 1400 calories in total and less than 10% fat.

But I don’t normally keep track of that stuff – the calories and the fat and stuff. It isn’t that I particularly need to, it’s that I don’t like the stuff that is high in calorie, high in fat, etc. I don’t eat red meat. I don’t eat hamburgers. I can’t stand Italian food or things loaded down with cheese. Most of the time I eat because I have to, and while I prefer to enjoy my meals, my life is not too terribly centered around them (which cannot be said for much of the rest of America, which seems to revolve everything around porking down as much as they can).

Nonetheless, today was a food-centric day. For three reasons, actually.

Food Prices

I went grocery shopping today and was again confronted with the high cost of eating at home.

I would like to know just how people eat healthy at home and save money. People constantly say this – that it is cheaper to eat at home than it is to eat out. But this actually isn’t true – even the FDA has done studies proving that for people to eat healthy, nutritious meals, it costs on average $600 or more dollars per year at home than it does out. What’s more is that the study showed people can consume the same amount of fat and calories out as they do in and still save that money by eating out. I can see this as common sense too, although very few other people can.

I know, I know – cook in bulk amounts and freeze; order online, etc. But this isn’t always an option or the healthiest one at that. The bottom line is that fresh fruits, vegetables, healthy cheeses, lean meats, etc. cost a lot of money. I am convinced that the people who eat at home all the time and claim it to be cheaper are eating pork and beans, or Top Ramen at least some of the time.

I am further convinced that what is the deal breaker is that when people eat out they eat the full portion (which they should never do), or they do not control what they order. My husband does this sometimes – just orders what he feels like, regardless of cost or health-factor. What I think this really all boils down to is people thinking about what they are ordering when they order out, planning how much of the meal they are going to eat, etc. I handle the budget in our home and I can tell you that I have spent considerable time working this out – by going out and eating at places where fresh, healthy ingredients are used, coupons and specials are utilized, planning and paying attention to what we are ordering, and taking advantage of “kids eat free”-type specials, we save at least $100 a month by eating out once or twice a week.

People feel very passionate about this, though – so much so that they will argue and bicker about it irrespective of the actual facts. Why is it that people get so up in arms about the price of food and the way they eat? Is it because they feel it is a statement of their personal character?

Cantaloupe in the Crotch

This evening Pookie and I were sharing a bowl of diced cantaloupe – something we do frequently, actually. Oftentimes we only eat fruit for breakfast or in the evening. We also have a rule in our home that no one is allowed a between-meal snack without a serving of fruit or vegetable first. So when Pookie asked for ice-cream this evening, it was only natural that she have to eat some fruit first.

Back to the bowl of cantaloupe, we were sharing it and I picked up the last, diced piece and put it in my mouth and Pookie perked up, laughed, and loudly announced: “so, I’m pretty sure that was the piece that fell on my crotch a little bit ago.”

You have to wonder at times like these whether or not my teaching that being utterly honest is the right thing?

A Run-in With Hello Kitty Toaster

That’s right, faithful blog followers! The run-in with Hello Kitty Toaster that you all have been waiting for has finally happened! No, I didn’t run into her in person, it was on the Internet – unfortunately, Facebook. This morning, while eating my sandwich, I was thinking about how every time I go to Subway people are ordering extra meat. This disgusts me – seriously, lunch meat in such an excess is gross! To each his own, I suppose, I just prefer to use that sandwich space for extra vegetables – which are unambiguously better for you than mounds of nitrate filled roast beef.

So I posted on Facebook a status update, which numerous people commented on. The conversation with Hello Kitty Toaster went as follows:

Me: “I can never understand when people ask for extra meat on their sandwiches at Subway. I ask for less..”

Insert a few jokes from my perverted friends about putting meat in their mouths.

HKT: “The meat is the only nutritional value in a sandwich !! Protein eats fat !!”

I then had an aneurysm after again being reminded of HKT’s incessant need to place a space between her sentence and her exclamation point.

Me: “HAHA! Huh? Vegetables have no nutritional value?”

HKT: “Well it depends which veggies and the portion size. Plus if you are really trying to eat healthy and be healthy you should cook at home and not eat out. Also sandwiches are full of extra not needed fatty calories !!!”

My eye continues to twitch now, over twelve hours later. What the fuck is she talking about “…depends which veggies…”?

I can get the part about eating healthy and cooking at home (although you may see the previous point about food prices, in addition to the fact of that guy that lost all that weight eating at Subway instead of at home). And while I don’t really understand what she is talking about with “extra not needed fatty calories !!!” I will concede that sandwiches will be more fatty if you put that mayo shit, and layers of cheese too, on them. I can even forgive HKT for her blatant stupidity – for her !!! faux pas that just happens time after time after time, and her redundancy (because extra and not needed mean the exact same thing, no matter what way you slice it) – I mean, she did drop out of high school.

But what I cannot deal with; what makes my eye twitch, my blood boil, and my hands shake is the very first statement: “Well it depends which veggies and the portion size.” Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?! It depends which vegetables we are talking about to determine whether or not they contain any nutritional value? The only vegetable that I can think of that is questionable is iceberg lettuce, but even that has fiber which is unambiguously nutritious for you. Avocados, onions, tomatoes, carrots, cucumbers – all of them have some form of nutritional benefit to them. They are not bad for you. They are not unhealthy. They are not empty calories, or “extra not needed fatty.” They are essential to your continued existence.

I don’t know why I let a girl that dropped out of high school and spends most of her days doing yoga and drinking with her borderline-obese husband get to me. Why is this? The food prices debate doesn’t get to me – I know what the facts are; I know that everyone’s preferences, lifestyle, and situation is different. The cantaloupe in the crotch, quite frankly, doesn’t get to me. After being puked on, slobbered on, and slimed on in every way possible, cantelope falling on a fully clothed crotch is the least of my worries. But Hello Kitty Toaster says one dumb shit thing and I am through the roof.

Today was a food-centric day. I only ate 1400 calories and 10% fat, though. Tomorrow is going to be an exercise-centric day and I’m sure I’ll consume double that.

Hello, Hello Kitty Toaster


Hey Heather! Life, here … I haven’t thrown you enough shitty curve balls lately, chocked full of awkward and hair pulling situations … so I’m going to send you a real doozy today!

I’m pretty sure that’s what happened, and while I’m not complaining I’m also not jumping for joy at having run into Hello Kitty Toaster and “…go fuck yourself off” today.

I’m really getting ahead of myself, here. Maybe the six mini-bags of Cheez-Its I binge-ate to help myself cope with the awkwardness have gone to my head.

For those of you that don’t know, Hello Kitty Toaster is my sister-in-law and “…go fuck yourself off” is my brother-in-law (her husband). Recently, things have gotten a little awkward – mostly owing to the fact that my husband and I don’t often attend family events; and that they are pretty much the exact opposite of what we are, in every way imaginable. Most recently, Hello Kitty Toaster and I got into a little bit of a tet-a-tet on Facebook over whether it’s better to clean the house yourself, or hire the help. “…go fuck yourself off” and I don’t talk that much anymore either, since he told me to go fuck myself off…

So we went to Target to stock up today on things like toothpaste and juice boxes; your typical Target purchases. Standing in line, my phone rang and I answered just to say “call you back, in line at Target” and then out of nowhere the loudest yelp I had ever heard in line at a retail superstore called out my name.


After jumping, realizing who had yelled my name, and simultaneously wishing I could activate that badass Star Trek cloaking device the Klingons always used to stay hidden, I then (of course) put on my fakest smile possible and responded:

Oh! Hello, Hello Kitty Toaster

What are you doing here?

What I wanted to say: Oh, you know… just taking a leisurely stroll down the aisles to look at all the cleaning supplies we don’t have to buy because our cleaning lady handles that for us.

What I really said: Oh, just stocking up on things … toothpaste, laundry detergent, that kind of stuff. What about you?

OH, so Brooky is out of food!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE EATS THIS MUCH FOOD?!

[Insert extra large bag of dog food, and yes – Hello Kitty Toaster’s dog is named Brooklyn, like the bridge although I’m fairly certain HKT has no idea what or where that is.]

Oh … wow … that’s … a lot … of food … … … … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

[Insert awkward moment where we realize we have finished checking out at the same time and will be walking in the same direction.]

Walking out the door, we’re saying good-bye and I’m lying and saying we have to stop by the restroom, and “…go fuck yourself off” turns around, an extra large ICEE in hand. I shit you not, faithful blog followers – an extra large ICEE. This is important because I haven’t seen them in person since maybe last summer. I’ve seen a few photos on Facebook, but as for in person not a once. In those photos, I had noticed that “…go fuck yourself off” had gained a little weight. He’s married now, it happens.

Today, though, as he turned around with an ICEE larger than my head in hand, I realized that he is well on his way to morbid obesity. By my count, the dude now has four chins.

Oh hey, Heather. Long time no see – how’s it going.

What I wanted to say: Go fuck yourself off.

What I really said: Oh, hi, yeah, just shopping, stocking up on stuff, toothpaste, laundry detergent, you know


Yeah that would be great.

Oh, yeah – that would be great. We’ve gotta’ get to the bathroom. See you later.

We then adjourned to the Target restroom where we stood outside if for about five minutes, waiting long enough to make sure Hello Kitty Toaster and “…go fuck yourself off” had made their way out of the parking lot. Then I went home and ate six mini-bags of Cheez-Its to make myself feel a little less awkward about the encounter.

Good times over here!