Guess Who’s Back Again, Back Again

No, no, friends. It’s not Eminem this time.

It’s Hello Kitty Toaster.

Those of you that have been around for a while (and I mean a while) know that I used to refer to my sister in law as Hello Kitty Toaster. The point was simple: she is pointless, a mere novelty in a world that has very little use for her. She is somewhat irrelevant, few people even know she exists. She is vacuous. An eye sore.

But I digress…

Well a lot has happened since I blogged about her last, most importantly that she no longer lives anywhere near us (so she’s not usually even a flicker of a thought in my head); and, she and my brother in law are on the outs. The divorce kind.

They have a kid now, our niece. She’s 7 (so that gives you an idea how long it’s been since I posted about her). You would think that having a child would have made Hello Kitty Toaster grow up a little since the days of outright arguing with me publicly on Facebook over whether or not vegetables are good for you (her position was that they are, in fact, not)… but no.

I think if it’s possible for people to grow less mature as they age, she is living proof of it.

So flash forward to now, in the divorce she ended up taking a number of things from their home (not sure she was supposed to do that), and one of them was a television that had originally been at my in law’s house. At some point in time (we are talking close to a decade ago), we had logged in to our Amazon Prime account for our children to watch some tv show or movie on there – a common occurrence back in the days before the pandemic, when people could just get together and hangout without having to worry about killing each other with their breath. I’m pretty sure that in the time between then, and now, we have changed our Amazon Prime password a countless number of times, and yet somehow – it turns out – she was able to log in to our account through that TV.

How did we find out? Buckle up, this is a doozy.

About a month and a half ago, after not hearing or even thinking about her for years, my husband received a text message from her that said “Can you and your wife please log out of my Prime, thank you.” This turned into a little bit of a back and forth, where she accused us of using her Amazon Prime account – a little odd, not only because we have our own account, but also because we hadn’t talked to her in nearly a decade at that point.

Finally, my husband grew frustrated and, at the same time, realized she was trying to actually use our account on one of his parents televisions that she took, and just said “you’re probably on one of the televisions you stole from my brother, you need to use your own account and stop involving us in your issues.”

Right before he blocked her number, she fired off the doozy, and had the audacity to even demand we give her the Pin to reactivate our account on the stolen television:

Ha, thank you, all I want is the pin to let my daughter watch the Sound of Music. Last time I checked when you’re married it isn’t stealing, maybe you need to hop on to my Prime because you have a deadbeat wife and two jobs excuse you. Next time you talk to me with ‘authority’ make sure you aren’t making a fool of yourself, so the Pin please.”

So much to unpack here, but above all we’ll stick with the fact that Hello Kitty Toaster, my friends, is a fucking psycho.

The conversation came to an end at that point. We went back to our lives, she I assume went back to hers. Stopped thinking about her anymore until today, when my kids and I decided to watch Bowling for Columbine on this, the 23rd anniversary of the Columbine school shooting in Littleton, CO.

I logged on to our Prime account from my phone to rent the movie, and lo and behold I saw that my sister in law (well, ex-sister in law) has somehow still figured out how to create her own profile on our Amazon Prime account, hasn’t even code-named it something inconspicuous – just straight up used her name – and that she’s been continuing to use our account since that ridiculous text argument over a month ago.

The. Audacity.

This time I was able to get a hold of Amazon (both online, and on Twitter) and we were able to remove her device from our account, remove her profile, change the password – the whole shebang. Of course it likely falls short of falling under being defined as fraud in the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act, but I will say I do plan to go through all of our purchases for the last several months, and cross them with our bank statements, to make sure everything matches up.

There’s a lot more about this situation that piques in my mind as worthy of discussion, though. One is that this woman, Hello Kitty Toaster, has charge of our 7 year old niece for 50% of every week. What kind of an example is she raising this child into? Is she even mentally fit to have that kind of influence over a young child? Certainly this trailer park trash town hillbilly behavior doesn’t warrant an emergency custody order, but the sense of entitlement to other people’s things – people you have not even spoken to or been involved with for close to a decade – seems, to me (in my totally unqualified and unprofessional opinion) to speak to some larger mental health issues that could turn into a problem down the line for this innocent kid of theirs.

“Guess who’s back again, back again” – for those of you unaware – is Eminem’s ode to himself; how rap/hip hop would be useless without him. Apropos of nothing, Hello Kitty Toaster seems to be one of those people that just squirms her way back in, commanding the room and demanding we all listen to her self-serving bullshit.

Well I, for one, am done with it. Done with the abuse. Done with feeling like I have to give free rent in my head to people like her. Narcissism is a bad look on a novelty toaster, which is why I’m over it. She can text my husband and call me a deadbeat, she can try to steal all the passwords to all the streaming services we subscribe to (of which there are too many) until she’s blue in the face. I’m over it. She’s been out of our lives for close to a decade, and unlike Eminem, her return is not even occasionally welcome.

With that being said, I’ll be sure to let you guys know if we find out she made purchases on our account, because then this shit’s going wild…

Food Prices, Cantaloupe in the Crotch, and a Run-in With Hello Kitty Toaster

Today was a food-centric day. Not that I ate a lot. I had a ham and lettuce sandwich for breakfast (I don’t really like breakfast food). I had a salad for lunch that was made of romaine, carrots, feta cheese, and low fat ranch. And I had stir fried turkey cutlets with a rice and vegetable mixture and homemade french loaf for dinner. 1400 calories in total and less than 10% fat.

But I don’t normally keep track of that stuff – the calories and the fat and stuff. It isn’t that I particularly need to, it’s that I don’t like the stuff that is high in calorie, high in fat, etc. I don’t eat red meat. I don’t eat hamburgers. I can’t stand Italian food or things loaded down with cheese. Most of the time I eat because I have to, and while I prefer to enjoy my meals, my life is not too terribly centered around them (which cannot be said for much of the rest of America, which seems to revolve everything around porking down as much as they can).

Nonetheless, today was a food-centric day. For three reasons, actually.

Food Prices

I went grocery shopping today and was again confronted with the high cost of eating at home.

I would like to know just how people eat healthy at home and save money. People constantly say this – that it is cheaper to eat at home than it is to eat out. But this actually isn’t true – even the FDA has done studies proving that for people to eat healthy, nutritious meals, it costs on average $600 or more dollars per year at home than it does out. What’s more is that the study showed people can consume the same amount of fat and calories out as they do in and still save that money by eating out. I can see this as common sense too, although very few other people can.

I know, I know – cook in bulk amounts and freeze; order online, etc. But this isn’t always an option or the healthiest one at that. The bottom line is that fresh fruits, vegetables, healthy cheeses, lean meats, etc. cost a lot of money. I am convinced that the people who eat at home all the time and claim it to be cheaper are eating pork and beans, or Top Ramen at least some of the time.

I am further convinced that what is the deal breaker is that when people eat out they eat the full portion (which they should never do), or they do not control what they order. My husband does this sometimes – just orders what he feels like, regardless of cost or health-factor. What I think this really all boils down to is people thinking about what they are ordering when they order out, planning how much of the meal they are going to eat, etc. I handle the budget in our home and I can tell you that I have spent considerable time working this out – by going out and eating at places where fresh, healthy ingredients are used, coupons and specials are utilized, planning and paying attention to what we are ordering, and taking advantage of “kids eat free”-type specials, we save at least $100 a month by eating out once or twice a week.

People feel very passionate about this, though – so much so that they will argue and bicker about it irrespective of the actual facts. Why is it that people get so up in arms about the price of food and the way they eat? Is it because they feel it is a statement of their personal character?

Cantaloupe in the Crotch

This evening Pookie and I were sharing a bowl of diced cantaloupe – something we do frequently, actually. Oftentimes we only eat fruit for breakfast or in the evening. We also have a rule in our home that no one is allowed a between-meal snack without a serving of fruit or vegetable first. So when Pookie asked for ice-cream this evening, it was only natural that she have to eat some fruit first.

Back to the bowl of cantaloupe, we were sharing it and I picked up the last, diced piece and put it in my mouth and Pookie perked up, laughed, and loudly announced: “so, I’m pretty sure that was the piece that fell on my crotch a little bit ago.”

You have to wonder at times like these whether or not my teaching that being utterly honest is the right thing?

A Run-in With Hello Kitty Toaster

That’s right, faithful blog followers! The run-in with Hello Kitty Toaster that you all have been waiting for has finally happened! No, I didn’t run into her in person, it was on the Internet – unfortunately, Facebook. This morning, while eating my sandwich, I was thinking about how every time I go to Subway people are ordering extra meat. This disgusts me – seriously, lunch meat in such an excess is gross! To each his own, I suppose, I just prefer to use that sandwich space for extra vegetables – which are unambiguously better for you than mounds of nitrate filled roast beef.

So I posted on Facebook a status update, which numerous people commented on. The conversation with Hello Kitty Toaster went as follows:

Me: “I can never understand when people ask for extra meat on their sandwiches at Subway. I ask for less..”

Insert a few jokes from my perverted friends about putting meat in their mouths.

HKT: “The meat is the only nutritional value in a sandwich !! Protein eats fat !!”

I then had an aneurysm after again being reminded of HKT’s incessant need to place a space between her sentence and her exclamation point.

Me: “HAHA! Huh? Vegetables have no nutritional value?”

HKT: “Well it depends which veggies and the portion size. Plus if you are really trying to eat healthy and be healthy you should cook at home and not eat out. Also sandwiches are full of extra not needed fatty calories !!!”

My eye continues to twitch now, over twelve hours later. What the fuck is she talking about “…depends which veggies…”?

I can get the part about eating healthy and cooking at home (although you may see the previous point about food prices, in addition to the fact of that guy that lost all that weight eating at Subway instead of at home). And while I don’t really understand what she is talking about with “extra not needed fatty calories !!!” I will concede that sandwiches will be more fatty if you put that mayo shit, and layers of cheese too, on them. I can even forgive HKT for her blatant stupidity – for her !!! faux pas that just happens time after time after time, and her redundancy (because extra and not needed mean the exact same thing, no matter what way you slice it) – I mean, she did drop out of high school.

But what I cannot deal with; what makes my eye twitch, my blood boil, and my hands shake is the very first statement: “Well it depends which veggies and the portion size.” Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?! It depends which vegetables we are talking about to determine whether or not they contain any nutritional value? The only vegetable that I can think of that is questionable is iceberg lettuce, but even that has fiber which is unambiguously nutritious for you. Avocados, onions, tomatoes, carrots, cucumbers – all of them have some form of nutritional benefit to them. They are not bad for you. They are not unhealthy. They are not empty calories, or “extra not needed fatty.” They are essential to your continued existence.

I don’t know why I let a girl that dropped out of high school and spends most of her days doing yoga and drinking with her borderline-obese husband get to me. Why is this? The food prices debate doesn’t get to me – I know what the facts are; I know that everyone’s preferences, lifestyle, and situation is different. The cantaloupe in the crotch, quite frankly, doesn’t get to me. After being puked on, slobbered on, and slimed on in every way possible, cantelope falling on a fully clothed crotch is the least of my worries. But Hello Kitty Toaster says one dumb shit thing and I am through the roof.

Today was a food-centric day. I only ate 1400 calories and 10% fat, though. Tomorrow is going to be an exercise-centric day and I’m sure I’ll consume double that.