Heather Christena Schmidt

Mom, first * Writer, second * Misanthrope, always

Does anyone remember when people used to do that super annoying Facebook status thing, where they’d post a daily thing they’re thankful for every day in the month of November, leading up to Thanksgiving? If you aren’t from America, perhaps you’ve been spared this glad-handed way of humble-bragging that people used to do. You, dear international …

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I’ll be the first to admit that when times get tough, I throw in the towel. I don’t mean literally. I don’t – like – leave and return a week later after a blur of booze, parties, and memories I pray were just nightmares. I mean – like – I just give up. Mostly at …

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I hate the holidays. I mean, I think we’ve established that I hate pretty much everything. And everyone. And myself. But I really fucking hate the holidays. Some of you may or may not have been around here long enough to know all the fun details of my relationship with my mother. In a nutshell: …

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People always look at me like I’m a complete moron when I tell them that I like the cold. As in cold outside, you know: snow, sleet, wind chill. I get jealous when I see that there are blizzards going on somewhere in the world. I live in California. Particularly, Southern California. We have one …

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I wonder if I just became as obnoxious as Home Depot putting out their fucking Christmas decorations in July; or Target playing Christmas music in October. You know that Black Friday actually begins for many stores at 7 pm on Thanksgiving DAY, now, too. Retailers are literally ramming Christmas up our asses. In the interest …

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Here we go. I woke up this morning at 5 o’clock. I had no reason to, other than that I was so angry even my dreams didn’t want to be near me. It’s finally here: Heather’s Holiday Hostility. This happens every year. For one, I hate the fucking holidays. They’re full of greed, gluttony, and …

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There. I said it. Sometimes I turn the lights down real low. I light some candles. I put on something sexy. I break out the baby oil and the nearest banana-shaped object. And I turn on Lord of the Rings. Okay, I don’t really do that. REALLY … But in all seriousness, this is just …

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