All I Want For Christmas Is An Animal Carcass

hipster-taxidermy

Is that weird? I think it might be.

I keep seeing all these commercials about what men should get their wives for Christmas. Get her diamonds, they say. Get her a kitchen appliance, they condescend. Get her gift cards to the mall, they suggest (as if I wouldn’t spend all my husband’s money at the mall anyway).

I want none of those, though. I want an animal carcass.

For a few years now I’ve been on this organic, nature-y decorating kick. Two years ago on our anniversary I got my husband to buy me a set of moose antlers, which are now covered in leaves and sitting on my bookcase. I made a ‘birds on a wire’ decal to put around our kitchen window. I even got a breakfast table that had iron branches and birds for table legs.

Don’t mistake this for me being into the outdoors, though. I fucking hate the outdoors. I’m allergic to pretty much everything. In fact, I can’t even walk to the laundry room without sneezing. I’m also easily terrified by things in the wild – birds, possibly poisoning plants, bugs. I’ll never forget that one time at Girl Scout camp when we had to use a rope to climb up a relatively small hill and I was so horrified by everything we climbed through that I vowed to never enter the woods again.

And besides those few times in high school (which compromised my Proud to be a Dare Graduate t-shirt, as well as my virginity), I’ve stayed out of them since.

So it isn’t about loving nature. It’s also not about loving animals. I think animals are so gross. First and foremost, they piss and shit. Sure, all living beings do but not typically on my carpet or bed or hand. The majority of them are out to murder people and each other and shit too. Survival of the fittest and all that, right?

Not to mention that if I actually loved animals, it wouldn’t be shown by hanging their large carcasses and various body parts in and around my home. I’m also not really an animal murderer, per se, either; for Christ’s sakes, I was a vegetarian for six years.

You faithful blog followers are probably asking yourself now just why? Why the animals? Why the nature? Why the carcass?

I have three, very specific reasons why I am really into decorating my apartment with animals and nature shit now, and why I want to complete our home with a large animal head or carcass, mounted on my bedroom wall.

#1 Animal and nature decor provides topic for conversation

It should be no surprise for me to describe myself as a little misanthropic. That’s actually putting it really, really nicely. I fucking hate people. I hate having to put on a smile and fake pleasantries with people that I know are not always pleasant. And I hate having to figure out small talk topics with people that either (a) have no brain to speak of, or (b) think they are better than me, for whatever reason they think that.

Having a piece of an animal hanging around provides ample conversation topics. So does bizarre, nature-themed decoration.

#2 Body parts of deceased animals implies I own guns

I don’t own guns. I wouldn’t ever allow them in our home. But I still would love to scare the shit out of people that might be interested in stealing and/or attacking me.

Say robbers walk into my house. They see body parts everywhere. Taxidermy on the wall. Antlers on the bookcase. They trip over my snake-skinned ottoman. This implies that were they to get caught, they’d also get shot and wind up with the same fate as the many animals that adorn my home. It also totally deters them from attempting to kidnap or rape any of us, because who knows? I may be sleeping with the guns I probably killed all those animals with. Or what if I murdered those animals with my bare hands and a knife, that I happen to keep strapped to my leg at all times?

There are so many implications that come with a house full of dead animals.

#3 Possibility for permanent chastity

What could be a bigger turn-off to Poor Nick than having a large animal staring down at him? Judging him for those awkward thirty seconds. Questioning him. Implying that he is less virile than the dead animal on the wall.

Having kids changes your sex life, but not permanently. And my razor-lined chastity belt always comes with the risk to my own hoo-ha.

But the head or entire carcass of an animal – any animal – would serve as two wins for this lady. It would complete the organic, nature-y feel I’ve been going for in our apartment, for years now. And it would provide permanent chastity.

So who’s going to call Poor Nick and tell him to get this lady the carcass of an animal? Or maybe just a head. I’ll take any animal, really. Zebra. Lion. Bear. Deer. I’d even take a minx.

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Whatever happened to Jonathan Taylor Thomas?

Perhaps because I have a pretty severe case of O.C.D., or more probably as a result of watching the same things too many times, when I watch old reruns of shows like Saved by the Bell, Home Improvement, Married With Children, and the like, I can’t help but let my mind wander into territory of:  whatever happened to that guy?

Thank you USA Today

It started with a curiosity about David Faustino.  Perhaps it was just sympathy, because Bud was always portrayed as a desperate and oft-unloved guy, but I always liked him the most of all the characters on Married With Children.  Maybe it was because “Bud” went to college, or because when he grew out his beard he looked pretty damn good – or maybe it was just because I felt bad for his character always walking around with a blow-up doll.  I have no idea why, but one early morning of insomnia led to watching Married With Children, and two hours later I had navigated to the Wikipedia on him, which linked to his Facebook, which then led me to his Twitter – and before I knew it, I had completely caught up on everything “Bud” from Married With Children has been doing since the show.  Disappointing to say, besides co-owning a club that closed, moving into the music industry, and getting arrested for possession of marijuana, Faustino has been somewhat out of the lime-light.

And I’m sure we have all wondered just what happened to the cast of Saved by the Bell.  Beyond the obvious 180 that Tiffani Amber Thiessen did in her appearance on 90210; and the newest career move for Mark-Paul Gosselaar (now on TNT’s Franklin and Bash), I continue to wonder what happened to the Jessie Spano, AC Slater, and Screech-contingents.

The list of characters on the TV shows of my youth goes on, whom I wonder about whenever the shows come on.  There’s 90210, Full House, The Wonder Years, Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and that show with Steve Urkel.  Sure, sometimes we see them still in the spotlight.  The Olsen Twins are (unfortunately) everywhere; Tori Spelling continues to star in one, bad Lifetime movie after another.  But whatever happened to Winnie Cooper, and the guy that played Dylan on 90210?

Generally, the Internet is good for finding everything a person could ever want to find on any number of these people.  (Just look at everything I found on David Faustino, much of which I wasn’t even looking for…)  But to do so would take up an inordinate amount of time “surfing the web,” so to speak, when ultimately, what any of these people is doing bears no consequence to anyone.  As with most childhood/teenage actors, many go on to live perfectly normal lives away from the television screen.  Some go on to do drugs and destroy themselves, as it seems many did from earlier series, like the actors in Family Ties and Different Strokes.  And some of them do (and in many cases, unfortunately) continue to act.

Photo thank you, IMDb!

The one I want to know about, though, that I can’t seem to get the details on besides his Wikipedia, and the credits listed on his IMDb, is Jonathan Taylor Thomas.  The actor, just one year older than me, that played “Randy,” the middle son in Home Improvement, appears to have continued an active film career, and yet I see him nowhere.  Moreover, as a typical American interested in only in the personal lives of people that probably deserve to keep their personal lives as personal as I keep mine, I want to know what he’s been doing off-set as well.  The only tid-bit of detail I have found was a rumor that he is gay, which broke my heart at the thought.  I can still vividly remember swooning over pictures of J.T.T. in Seventeen Magazine, and daydreaming about accidentally meeting him and giggling like a girl.  What Jonathan Taylor Thomas, David Faustino, and the rest of the characters on the TV shows of my youth represent aren’t just the people that played characters on the shows, or hours of television that could otherwise be spent doing other, more productive, things.  They are of an age when I was wrapped in innocence; when life was as simple as a crush on an actor my age that I would probably never meet, nonetheless hoped I would.  They are wanting my hair to be as pretty and thick as Winnie Cooper’s, and wishing I had a boyfriend as cool and confident as A.C. Slater.  A distraction?  Sure.  A waste of time?  Likely.  Although, reminiscing through curiosity of just what these people are up to, and just how that one show they were on ended up, becomes less about the details and more about recapturing that feeling of youth that seems so rare in daily life, now.  Pointless?  Very probably.  But worth it?  Absolutely.