15 Things That Keep Away The Crazy

I think we all know that I’m a little off. By off, I of course mean batty; and by batty I’m trying to beat around the bush of insanity. And while I haven’t been dragged off in the ol’ straight jacket just yet, I probably should be. Being a Stay At Home Mom that homeschools can be tough sometimes. A little nerve-wracking, to say the least.

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There is an episode of The Simpsons early on in the series where Ned Flanders goes ape shit and drives himself to the mental hospital, driving straight through the wrought iron gates to get in. When he goes to check in, they ask if he’d like to go willingly to his padded room, or would he opt for the kicking and screaming option. He asks for kicking and screaming. I like to think that were Ned Flanders to have my fifteen things that keep me sane – or at least sane enough to avoid the mental hospital – he may have avoided his own mental breakdown.

(Yes, I am aware of the fact that I am talking about a cartoon character as though he is a human being. Need more proof I’m close to the nuthouse?)

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#1 S&Ms

You people are perverts. I know what you all are thinking when you see #1 as S&Ms: you think I’m talking about some kinky shit with my husband. Poor Nick bringing home cans of champagne and edible panties, and shit.

Not the case. When I say S&Ms I mean that what keeps me sane are my starlight mints. You know those old people candies that they sell either with or without sugar, the little mints you also get after a particularly garlic-y meal out? After my brief stint with smoking cigarettes in high school, my S&Ms replaced the nasty cancer sticks. They keep me sane in a big way.

#2 Lipgloss

Between this and my S&Ms, it’s very possible that I have an oral fixation problem. I apply chapstick and lipgloss so much. I’m addicted and develop a facial twitch if I go too long without glossy lips.

#3 Diet Coke

So yeah. I have an oral fixation. Clearly. My top three things that keep me from losing my everliving mind are relative to my mouth. What’s #4 going to be – blow jobs? Not the case. Nonetheless, I am heavily addicted to Diet Coke. The people at McDonald’s know me by name for no reason other than my morning trek to obtain a $1 Large soda.

#4 Books

This is really serious. As long as I have a book nearby when I feel the crazy coming on, all I have to do is open the book and lose myself in the story. This is why I love being a writer; and it’s why I am terribly obsessed with reading as much as possible.

#5 The Bathroom Lock

I hear moms complaining all the time about wanting to take a dump without being interrupted, and I think to myself: where’s the fucking lock? Your kids will be fine left to their own devices for a couple minutes. And as long as you have a key or another fail-safe to get the door open, should a kid lock themselves in – this is a surefire way to escape the insanity of parenthood.

#6 A Sense of Humor

I joke about a lot. And when I’m not making jokes, I’m finding something that’s naturally hilarious and laughing until I pee. A lot of times people don’t get my jokes, though. On my wedding invitations, I had a picture of a bride and groom with a joke about bringing your flame retardant clothing to prevent the lightning injuries that were sure to come from my husband and I marrying in the Catholic church. No one got it.

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#7 Weird Personal Fitness Challenges

I’m not one of those uber-douchey people that’s obsessed with fitness. You know them. They are constantly posting about their gym workouts and judging others for what they do and eat. Let’s be clear here: if you work out and like to talk about it, that’s totally cool. It’s when it moves on to judging others (…posting pictures of people’s cellulite on Facebook, and making fun of people that don’t eat healthy all the time…) that it becomes a problem.

OK, all that being said, weird personal fitness challenges help keep me sane. It isn’t even that I want to be fit, or lose weight. It’s that I find it funny to do weird workout and eating stuff, and it’s interesting to see the things I will do to keep it up. Right now I’m doing a three parter. Part One is 10 more seconds of wall sits each day. I started with 10 seconds on the 1st of April, and am up to almost 2 minutes. Part Two is eating only fruit for one or more meals a day. (It’s harder than you’d think, fruit is not very filling). Part Three is doing the Sweatin’ To the Oldies workout tapes. That’s right, I’m rockin’ it with Richard Simmons. Randomly about a month ago, I found one of my mom’s, so I went out and bought one and the Pookies went wild for it. (A video blog will follow here shortly…)

#8 Nonstop Weather Updates

I know. It’s weird. Growing up in the Midwest really made me fear the weather and all its wrath, though. Nonstop weather updates on my iPhone, iPad, and Macbook help me feel like I have control of the situation.

#9 Tetris

Hello! Mindlessly fitting blocks into impossible spaces. A metaphor for life.

#10 Reading Satire Websites

Like The Onion and Cracked.com. I enjoy John Stewart on YouTube sometimes too. Are you getting the theme here, though? I enjoy laughing at the absurdity of life. Better to laugh than lose it, right?

#11 Comparing My Life To My Mother’s

Whenever I start to think that life’s getting me down, I compare my misery to my mother’s. No one is in as bad of a situation as she is – with a hillbilly husband that lies like drinking a glass of water, living in a trailer halfway across the country, and cracking jokes about wanting to get her back to his trailer so that they can work the bed sheets (if you know what I mean).

#12 Fantasizing About Wolf Blitzer

Have you people forgotten about my terrible crush on Wolf Blitzer? Whenever I start to feel a little like I’m going to lose my mind, I let it get lost in thoughts of Wolf. And Ryan Reynold, Vladimir Putin, Hulk Hogan, and most members of the NBA.

#13 Writing On My Blog

People sometimes call their blogs “an outlet,” or a “place to vent their frustrations.” I think of my own blog as that, as well as a place to share my stories of every dip shit, asshole, douche-tart I come across so that you all may benefit from my wisdom in the ways of dealing with trailer trash jerk offs. And about parenting and being a shitty housewife. And stuff.

#14 Shitty Romantic Comedies and Episodes of Maury Povich

Good movies? Good movies that win awards? Good movies that are critically acclaimed? I typically hate those. But whenever I feel a bout of the crazies coming on, all I need to do is hunker down in my pajamas for a day with a romantic comedy marathon, coupled with Maury Povich paternity test episodes on YouTube, and I feel better.

#15 Making Fun Of My Husband

This goes along with my sense of humor. In my family growing up, we made fun of each other. Constantly. We still do. I maintain that this is – by far – the greatest gift my dearly departed grandparents gave to us, for we developed a thick skin to the world early on, and we learned that the best way to live life is to have fun. You know we love you if we make fun you, and as a result I rip on my husband nonstop.

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What keeps away your crazy, faithful blog followers? Are your things as mundane as mine? Or are they more meaningful or legitimate, like a prescription for antipsychotics?

Both My Pants and My Brain Are On Fire

When I was in college and worked at a pharmacy as a pharmacy technician, I came to work one day with what was clearly a bladder infection. I had been working like crazy, both at school and in the pharmacy, and genuinely not taking care myself – so it was no surprise. I will never forget what the pharmacist said to me when I asked what I should do, though. He said to me “call your doctor and say ‘doctor, my pants are on fire … there are flames shooting out of my urethra.'” These are the types of memories that I keep. And this is what I think of whenever I hear “pants on fire.”

No, I do not have a bladder infection, not even close. But I seem to have some sort of hot pants lately – hot pants in the sense that people are awarding me blogger awards for fanning my bitchy flames all over the place, which is by far the nicest and most wonderful thing a fellow blogger can do. To the Glass Half Fool, for nominating me for the Leibster Blog Award; to Finally … Wendy Wanders, for nominating me for the One Lovely Blog Award; and to Mrs. Sasu, for nominating me for the Blog on Fire Award – my whole hearted thanks. You people are amazing. I hope you enjoy my blog even 1/8th of the amount that I enjoy yours. Thank you a million times over.

But your awards are gratuitous. Clearly you people have not gotten the memo yet that I am a blazing asshole. My pants and brain are so on fire that people typically cannot stand to be within a one block radius of me. The majority of the world hates me; no jokes, I’m pretty sure something like three people in my community actually enjoy my company. And none of them are my husband or father – who know me best. I am sure eventually the blog awards will stop coming as you people wise up. Regardless, I appreciate them immensely. They fan the flames even more – and I don’t mind the fire.

To the point of my brain: it – like my pants – is burning like gang busters at this point. What I mean is not that I have all kinds of great thoughts going on, or am working on high speed at this point doing anything productive. I mean that I’m going insane. Seriously, I am going bonkers. I have a few ostensive examples for you faithful blog followers:

1) Bizarre eating habits. This morning I sat down with a baguette that appeared to be getting hard and just ate the thing straight from the package. I didn’t cut it up all neat-like and spread my low fat, canola oil butter on it. I just bit right into it and kept going until the damn thing was gone. It reminded me of that scene in The Bell Jar when she cracks an egg into a bowl of raw ground beef and then eats the whole thing. Of course there was nothing genuinely dangerous about eating a baguette such as I did this morning (especially without the butter); and I am sure people do this all the time. But if you know me, you know this means I’m losing a little bit of the grasp I previously had on my very carefully put together daily existence.

2) A’ napping and a’ snoring. My allergies have been bothering me a lot lately. This is one of the big reasons why I cannot stand California so much – I am allergic to so much stuff out here, most importantly palm frond. Yes, faithful blog followers – I am fucking allergic to palm. This might be why I’m feeling a little screwy lately – usually when the wind blows and the palm tree bull shit starts flying in the air, I feel a little cloudy in the head. Well today I was sitting on the couch, waiting to head out to take my grandmother to the doctor and I let myself do something I never do – I dozed off. I never take naps – never ever NEVER. It isn’t that I dislike them, it’s just that I dislike the groggy afterwards. But today I took a nap and apparently snored my allergen-clogged nose so loud it could be heard outside.

3) Excessive Simpsons episodes. I have been working on watching all of the episodes of The Simpsons for a number of months now. It has taken quite a while and I realize that I am watching it too much when I fit a Simpsons analogy into almost every conversation I have (which may not be saying much since I don’t talk to many people). The crazy thing about it is that I don’t usually watch television, but to me The Simpsons just seem different than your average Jersey Shore-Bachelor-humdrum Prime Time TV crap.

4) Cleaning control. So my husband was on vacation last week, which was a “stay-cation.” In other words, it was a “welcome to my daily hell, Nick” also known as “let’s try not to kill each other” time for us both. For the first half of the week, we ignored each other for the most part. He sat on his email and read stuff about work; I dicked around on Facebook, Twitter, and my usual cleaning and cooking crap. Around the middle of the week, though, I realized that the disconnect was almost a little bizarre, so  I asked and we decided we were going to go no-computer, no-cell phone, no-Internet of any sort until the vacation came to an end when he returned to work this morning. In doing that, though, Nick had to start looking for things to keep himself busy, and he got in the way of my cleaning control. He refolded the towels the way that wrinkles them up. He changed the Febreeze Plug Ins in half the rooms but not the other half. I know – entirely stupid for me to get up in arms about stupid things like this, but I have a very careful control of the system of cleaning in this place. So I followed him around and undid the damage he had done. Yes, I did just refer to it as “damage;” yes, I followed him around. Like I said, I’m losing it.

5) Abstract distractions. Lastly, in the last few weeks I have found myself getting more lost in my thoughts and ideas than probably ever before. At heart, I continue to be a philosopher – graduate school coming to a conclusion did not erase that from who I am. I may be taking it too far, though. Today I was so distracted by a book I was reading that I put a pair of socks I was folding in the freezer, and was later so upset and disturbed (and deep in thought) by the death of Lonely George that I missed my exit by ten miles.

I know, I know. I am probably reading far too into these things as signs that I’m losing it; that my brain is on fire. Maybe my brain is on fire in that I’m really becoming an idiot. So my next stop is either the insane asylum or the stupidity bin. I just hope that wherever it is, they can take the heat.