Heather Christena Schmidt

Mom, first * Writer, second * Misanthrope, always

It’s time. Time for me to break the silence. I’ve kept quiet about this for far too long. There are what I will call downsides of living with your elderly parent. Some of you may know about these because you’ve lived with an elderly parent. Some of you may have been born to older parents, …

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If you are a close and personal friend, or you follow me on any number of my social media outlets (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest – I’m a bit of an Internet whore), then you know I got a dog roughly two months ago. You would know this because my dog is basically all I’ve talked …

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When you watch this video, you’re going to fall into one of two camps: 1) You will be a man and find yourself kicking yourself for not having found me before I met and married my husband; or, 2) You will be a woman and find yourself taking notes on how someone can be as …

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Those of you that know me, or have been reading this blog for a while, know that I am not a fan of flatus jokes. You know what I’m talking about. I’m sure you make them all the time. Maybe you post comics on Facebook about blowing them under the covers; or you tell jokes …

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… and I’m not sure why. Maybe Netflix is starting to get more lame than usual. I mean they just took Planes, Trains, and Automobiles off the Instant Streaming – just how in the shit am I supposed to watch it at least once a week now? Really I think it’s that we go in …

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Kidding. (Not kidding.) Okay you guys, my book was set to come out on Tuesday, June 4th. Tomorrow for me. Today at this point for some of you. Then I got an email today saying it would be delayed because of some bullshit on Amazon. I was so devastated. I threw myself around for about …

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Seriously. Who over the age of five calls something an ‘inside joke?’ I’ll tell you who: Motherfucking douches Motherfucking morons Motherfucking elitists Motherfucking hipsters I am sure there are more, and if you refer to things as an ‘inside joke,’ please excuse my bluntness when I say: it’s about time you shut the fuck up. …

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