Can I Have Your Autograph?

When my husband and I first got married, his bosses gave us a pair of their season tickets to a Lakers game. Sure, I fucking hate the Lakers and anything-Los Angeles, but they were two rows behind court-side, so I figured – what the hell?

What they failed to tell us was that their tickets were seated directly behind those idiotic Kardashian whore-faces. This was when Lamar was still on the team, so the whole time we had to sit there and listen to the mom, Khloe, and one of the pig bitch teenage twins talk on their fucking cellphones about how much they hated basketball. It was horrible, only made worse when Khloe fanned her nappy hair out and spilled dandruff into my goddamned nachos.

So during the halftime, they had a security guard set up right there to stop people from coming down, although once Mother Hubbard and the Pig Bitch left, Khloe allowed her fans to come ask for autographs. The number of desperate and pathetic young women that approached the overweight, acne-ridden, dandruff-fanning cow was astounding.

There are few celebrities that I despise more than her after that whole dandruff incident. And while I would offer to have Derrick Rose’s babies while asking him for a signature, I would never ask these celebutants for anything other than to get out of my way. Here they are, in no particular order:

#1 The Queen Pig Bitch: Kimmie Kardash

This woman’s ass is so fucking horrifying. Sometimes when I see the emphasis placed on it in photos or magazines, I feel like asking her fan club if it’s got it’s own zip code. And now someone has allowed her to breed? Yeah, let’s see how fucked up that kid comes out. It’ll have a big ass, be just as much of a pig bitch as the rest of those Kardashians, and will likely carry itself with the shameless sense of entitlement the entire family has.

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#2 The Walking STD: the Biebs

I don’t mean to imply that Justin Bieber is a slut or anything, but I do sometimes wonder about a 17 year old that let the papparazzi photograph him dry-humping his girlfriend on a beach in Hawaii. Two years later, the Biebs has turned 19 and in celebration, the media has made his news story about said birthday more popular and of importance than the country’s fiscal crisis. Worse, Justin apparently has spat in the face of all fashion sense at this point, because he’s walking around with no shirt on, wearing tight blue pants, with his ass hanging so far out, if you look close enough you can probably see his teeny-weiney hanging down.

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#3 Shit-faced Stewart

Something that really irks me every time I see Kristin Stewart is that she always looks like ever-living shit. And yet still ghads of teenage boys and middle-aged lesbians are wanking off to her nightly. I look like shit all the time and you don’t see people wanking to my illustrious debacle of an appearance! She doesn’t just look like shit, though – Kristen Stewart has got to have the worst attitude on the entire planet. She’s always bored. She’s constantly agitated. And her hair looks like it hasn’t been washed in forever.

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Those are my big three. Do you have any celebrities you can’t stand? Or do you salivate at the sight of any of them? The big thing for me (I think) is that I don’t watch much TV and am particularly unimpressed by stardom. Or maybe it’s because I live near Hollywood – the land of the fruits, nuts, and celebrity weirdos.

Things That Need To Stop Now – Summer 2012

I have a new series on this blog I’d like to call: Things That Need To Stop Now. The intended content of these blogs is self explanatory, so let’s just get to it.

Things That Need To Stop Now

Summer 2012

1. Hipsters. Hipsters are nothing more than filthy, nasty, under-showered and over-moustached wannabes. Every time I go into an Urban Outfitter or an American Apparel I realize just how stupid our culture has gotten that guys rocking oversized, neon-colored tank tops and brostaches are the coolest we have to offer.

2. Lying. Is it just me or do people lie way more now than they used to? It also seems like people now think that if they can justify the lie it’s okay. “Sure, I lied to you about stealing all of your money, but I really needed to pay my mortgage and my car payments so thought it would be okay.” Lying is a gateway to almost every other bad deed.

3. Marriage Meddling.So my marriage was meddled in last week – I mentioned it in a previous post. It went beyond just a random and completely rude Facebook comment though from said meddler; it went into a ridiculous email conversation that resulted in nothing but hurt feelings and unnecessary drama. I took a poll after that to see what my readers thought of people that meddle in marriages and overwhelmingly the readers responded “no one – my marriage, my life.” There were a lot of other great comments and votes as well, but that “no one” came in at a whopping 70%. I’d say marriage meddling needs to stop now.

4. Use of text lingo in everyday conversation. I really and truly feel like beating my head into a very hard and cold steel post every single time someone says to me in person or on the phone “LOL” or “OMG.” Who taught you nimrods to talk like this? I am taking a class this summer as well, and in the etiquette for said class the professor actually said that LOL would be accepted.

5. Cuts to education.No for real you guys – this isn’t stupid or funny, but it is most certainly making everyone idiotic. The budget cuts in California have hit education at such unprecedented levels this year that I am now thinking homeschooling is going to have to be more than just “short term.” It’s in the community colleges as well. I – a two time college graduate and part of the way through a graduate degree – cannot even easily take a painting class for fun, paying my own money for tuition, because of the cuts. Someone needs to fire every politician and union representative that cannot understand the very basic equation: “more students + more education = more money in the economy and a partial solution to the deficit.”

6. Facebook bullying. I have seen quite a few of those eCards and memes floating around lately making fun of people that use Facebook as their virtual diary. While it may seem that I, personally, post way more about my personal life out there (all over really), if I really posted some of what goes on in my daily life or my head you all would probably cringe. But the beautiful thing about the Internet is that if someone wants to post something cringe-worthy, they should be able to do so without someone saying they are off their rocker or worthy of being judged. When people judge others and make fun of them publicly for doing something they don’t like, they are nothing but bullies. It’s sad that these people I see posting these things are adults too.

7. Jelena. I have no idea why I thought of this the other day, but I thought I should Google “are Justin and Selena still dating” and I found – literally – hundreds of answers, speculations, and Yahoo Questions. Get a fucking life, people. Or maybe I should get a life too.

8. Overuse of the Internet and cell phones. Seriously. As I sit here, my husband has been on vacation for seven days now and he has spent so much time on his cell phone and computer that he may as well have just been at work. But this is a problem I think our culture has – we just cannot disconnect. This needs to stop, and now. People need to be able to let go for a few days.

9. Movies in Hollywood. I don’t mean all movies, I suppose. I think I just mean these hackneyed, bull shit remakes. How many fucking Snow White movies came out this year? And just what the hell was the point of yet another Spiderman? I saw an ad where this one had a crocheted mask. Is that the only difference? Movies in Hollywood need to stop now as they are currently being made.

That’s my list. For now, that is – I have quite a few more stored up there in the annals of my brain. What do you faithful blog followers think needs to stop, and now?