Kardashians | Heather Christena Schmidt

When my husband and I first got married, his bosses gave us a pair of their season tickets to a Lakers game. Sure, I fucking hate the Lakers and anything-Los Angeles, but they were two rows behind court-side, so I figured – what the hell?

What they failed to tell us was that their tickets were seated directly behind those idiotic Kardashian whore-faces. This was when Lamar was still on the team, so the whole time we had to sit there and listen to the mom, Khloe, and one of the pig bitch teenage twins talk on their fucking cellphones about how much they hated basketball. It was horrible, only made worse when Khloe fanned her nappy hair out and spilled dandruff into my goddamned nachos.

So during the halftime, they had a security guard set up right there to stop people from coming down, although once Mother Hubbard and the Pig Bitch left, Khloe allowed her fans to come ask for autographs. The number of desperate and pathetic young women that approached the overweight, acne-ridden, dandruff-fanning cow was astounding.

There are few celebrities that I despise more than her after that whole dandruff incident. And while I would offer to have Derrick Rose’s babies while asking him for a signature, I would never ask these celebutants for anything other than to get out of my way. Here they are, in no particular order:

#1 The Queen Pig Bitch: Kimmie Kardash

This woman’s ass is so fucking horrifying. Sometimes when I see the emphasis placed on it in photos or magazines, I feel like asking her fan club if it’s got it’s own zip code. And now someone has allowed her to breed? Yeah, let’s see how fucked up that kid comes out. It’ll have a big ass, be just as much of a pig bitch as the rest of those Kardashians, and will likely carry itself with the shameless sense of entitlement the entire family has.

#2 The Walking STD: the Biebs

I don’t mean to imply that Justin Bieber is a slut or anything, but I do sometimes wonder about a 17 year old that let the papparazzi photograph him dry-humping his girlfriend on a beach in Hawaii. Two years later, the Biebs has turned 19 and in celebration, the media has made his news story about said birthday more popular and of importance than the country’s fiscal crisis. Worse, Justin apparently has spat in the face of all fashion sense at this point, because he’s walking around with no shirt on, wearing tight blue pants, with his ass hanging so far out, if you look close enough you can probably see his teeny-weiney hanging down.

#3 Shit-faced Stewart

Something that really irks me every time I see Kristin Stewart is that she always looks like ever-living shit. And yet still ghads of teenage boys and middle-aged lesbians are wanking off to her nightly. I look like shit all the time and you don’t see people wanking to my illustrious debacle of an appearance! She doesn’t just look like shit, though – Kristen Stewart has got to have the worst attitude on the entire planet. She’s always bored. She’s constantly agitated. And her hair looks like it hasn’t been washed in forever.

Those are my big three. Do you have any celebrities you can’t stand? Or do you salivate at the sight of any of them? The big thing for me (I think) is that I don’t watch much TV and am particularly unimpressed by stardom. Or maybe it’s because I live near Hollywood – the land of the fruits, nuts, and celebrity weirdos.

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Am I the only person on the planet that isn’t a fan of the Kardashians? I mean, it’s cool to say they’re overindulgent whorelets and all … but in the end, most of the people that claim to hate them watch more of their shows than anyone else. When I say “not a fan,” I mean really not a fan.

I’m not entirely sure why I don’t like them (except of the fact that I don’t really like many people … or things ……). They are just typical Californians: self-indulgent, promiscuous, loose-moralled, foul-mouthed, and obsessed with being as trendy as possible.

Possibly it’s because about a year ago we sat behind them at a Lakers game and I got the real inside scoop (so to speak) of their regular activities. I’m not a Laker fan, in fact I hate them (BULLS!); so obviously I was more interested in what was going on around us than the actual game. While Khloe seemed more devoted to her man than hob-knobbing like her mom was, I think that all of them put their phones away for all of thirty seconds on the entire game clock. Having never watched their shows, I was also pretty surprised to learn that Kris is super nosy in the matters of her adult children’s lives – every time one was texting or Facebooking, she was (literally) leaning over their shoulders reading what was being said. The only thing that really reeked through the entire experience, which might have lead to my general dislike of them, was that Khloe kept brushing her nappy, dandruffy hair at me (we were sitting directly behind them in small folding chairs). At one point some of her hair wound up in my nachos.

And have any of you ever heard that retarded song Kim did on auto-tune? It’s astonishing how horribly that girl sings, and auto-tune did little to help it. Probably this has a big part in my general disdain for the family of excess; although, not for the reason you’d think. I don’t care all that much that another crappy song was released .. this happens every day. What I care about is that these girls have become so insanely popular that even their crappy songs are inspiring massive levels of stupidity, like these broads (who have made their own music video to Jam (Turn It Up)):

I also wonder if it has anything to do with just how much the three sisters (Khloe, Kourtney, and Kim) are plastered all over the place. On billboards in LA, on magazines in the grocery store, everywhere on TV, all over my Google News even. I can’t even go to the mall without being forced to look at the ads for their ridiculous new underwear line at Sears. (And the thing that shocks me about that is the fact that Sears is so below their typical fashion senses.) They are just everywhere: but why?

I still cannot even really figure out what these people have done to be as famous as they are. It’s as though they are famous just because they were famous; or famous for being so famous. In any event, I don’t care about Kim’s wedding footage on E!, just as I could give two shits about who is having a baby and what that poor child of Kourtney and Scott is up to. You have to really question what is with our culture that we obsess over the lives of people that have absolutely no idea any of us exist.

But then I could just be doing the cool thing … hating on the Kardashians while secretly waiting for the show to come on…

Heather Christena Schmidt

I like my dogs. My kids? Not so much.

Tag Kardashians

The Kardashians