Can I Have Your Autograph?

When my husband and I first got married, his bosses gave us a pair of their season tickets to a Lakers game. Sure, I fucking hate the Lakers and anything-Los Angeles, but they were two rows behind court-side, so I figured – what the hell?

What they failed to tell us was that their tickets were seated directly behind those idiotic Kardashian whore-faces. This was when Lamar was still on the team, so the whole time we had to sit there and listen to the mom, Khloe, and one of the pig bitch teenage twins talk on their fucking cellphones about how much they hated basketball. It was horrible, only made worse when Khloe fanned her nappy hair out and spilled dandruff into my goddamned nachos.

So during the halftime, they had a security guard set up right there to stop people from coming down, although once Mother Hubbard and the Pig Bitch left, Khloe allowed her fans to come ask for autographs. The number of desperate and pathetic young women that approached the overweight, acne-ridden, dandruff-fanning cow was astounding.

There are few celebrities that I despise more than her after that whole dandruff incident. And while I would offer to have Derrick Rose’s babies while asking him for a signature, I would never ask these celebutants for anything other than to get out of my way. Here they are, in no particular order:

#1 The Queen Pig Bitch: Kimmie Kardash

This woman’s ass is so fucking horrifying. Sometimes when I see the emphasis placed on it in photos or magazines, I feel like asking her fan club if it’s got it’s own zip code. And now someone has allowed her to breed? Yeah, let’s see how fucked up that kid comes out. It’ll have a big ass, be just as much of a pig bitch as the rest of those Kardashians, and will likely carry itself with the shameless sense of entitlement the entire family has.

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#2 The Walking STD: the Biebs

I don’t mean to imply that Justin Bieber is a slut or anything, but I do sometimes wonder about a 17 year old that let the papparazzi photograph him dry-humping his girlfriend on a beach in Hawaii. Two years later, the Biebs has turned 19 and in celebration, the media has made his news story about said birthday more popular and of importance than the country’s fiscal crisis. Worse, Justin apparently has spat in the face of all fashion sense at this point, because he’s walking around with no shirt on, wearing tight blue pants, with his ass hanging so far out, if you look close enough you can probably see his teeny-weiney hanging down.

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#3 Shit-faced Stewart

Something that really irks me every time I see Kristin Stewart is that she always looks like ever-living shit. And yet still ghads of teenage boys and middle-aged lesbians are wanking off to her nightly. I look like shit all the time and you don’t see people wanking to my illustrious debacle of an appearance! She doesn’t just look like shit, though – Kristen Stewart has got to have the worst attitude on the entire planet. She’s always bored. She’s constantly agitated. And her hair looks like it hasn’t been washed in forever.

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Those are my big three. Do you have any celebrities you can’t stand? Or do you salivate at the sight of any of them? The big thing for me (I think) is that I don’t watch much TV and am particularly unimpressed by stardom. Or maybe it’s because I live near Hollywood – the land of the fruits, nuts, and celebrity weirdos.

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What do Kristen Stewart and the Olympics have in common?

That’s right! This lady doesn’t give a fuck about either!

So I woke up this morning and read my Google News aggregate page. All over it was some kind of bullshit about Kristen Stewart cheating on her Twilight boyfriend. And that he wants to have a heart-to-heart with the director of ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’ to get the play-by-play of how this went down between them off set.

So let me get this straight:

There is an ebola outbreak in Uganda.

There is rising conflict in Syria.

Some crazy fuck just killed and maimed a bunch of people for reasons unbeknownst to anyone in – big surprise – Colorado.

And the economy in this country has been in the tank for what feels like forever.

But the most important news on the fucking Google News aggregate was about this dumb broad cheating on Twilight guy?

Who gives a fuck?

Okay, if you are one that gives a fuck, OK. I get it – you are into this type of thing. Maybe you liked the Twilight movies. Maybe you dig celebrity gossip. Maybe you have a hard on for Kristen Stewart or a herd on (her-hard on) for the Twilight guy and think this might be your big chance. Whatever the case may be, fine! But there are still much more important and relevant topics to discuss. At least on the fucking news, that is. This reminds me of when the United States was invading Afghanistan and Britney Spears was shaving her head. Fucking CNN had Britney shaving her shit on the big screen and the Afghan thing was a little running blurb at the bottom.

More than anything, I just have to say to this Twilight guy (note: I do not know his name because I have not watched any of those movies):

You are hot. Why the shit are you sitting around having heart-to-hearts with the guy your daft, and quite frankly ugly, girlfriend cheated on you with? Move on. There are other fish in the see, yo.

Now onto the Olympics:

I get pride for your country. I get that it’s sort of cool that London hosting it means they can actually have all the events sort of spread out to all the different Great Britain provinces, which makes for cool camera pans when they fly across the map to “check in” over in Scotland or whatever.

I even laughed at that whole meme that was spreading around with the picture of the Queen and the caption “May the Hunger Games Begin.”

But why the shit is it that all the people who could care less about any sport any other day of the year are all of a sudden glued to the TV, Tweeting all kinds of updates, and screaming like Jesus Christ himself just flew on down and scored a goal? My Trailer Trash Mom is one of the worst offenders of this – every time the Olympics come on the TV she is inseparable from it. And then she does this annoying thing where she sits on the edge of her seat like she’s going to pee in her Dress Barn pantaloons, screaming and shouting and acting like her entire life depends on the US of A scoring a goal. It’s stupid if you ask me. Display your patriotism by voting or volunteering or see above for reasons why you should actually cheer on other countries.

The other thing that drives me totally bonkers about Olympics time is the “If blaa blaa blaa were an Olympic sport, I would win the gold medal.” I saw a few earlier today that were kind of funny on my blog’s Facebook page. But then I switched over to mine and almost all the people on there had posted some stupid eCard about what they would win a gold at if it were an Olympic sport. The majority just alluded to a raging alcoholism.

If I were to make one of those up, they would be pretty ridiculous:

If wiping children’s asses were an Olympic sport, I would win the gold medal.

If tolerating hillbilly bullshit were an Olympic sport, I would win the gold medal. 

If spying on my neighbors were an Olympic sport, I would win the gold medal.

If drinking copious amounts of wine to drown out the pitiable state of my life were an Olympic sport, I would win a fucking gold medal and be exalted on the top of Mount Olympus next to the statue of Zeus.

All pretty stupid, right? Well to the majority (note: I did not say all) of the people that have been telling some variation of this joke:

So there you have it: what do Kristen Stewart and the Olympics have in common? This lady doesn’t give a fuck.

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