I’ve always tried to not turn my blog into *too* much of an all-about-me, this-is-my-life, hey-look-at-me-and-my-mundane-experiences-they-are-so-interesting website. But you know I’m a writer and sometimes (most of the time) the only thing I have to write about is the boring as balls things I do on a day to day basis.
Yes I said “boring as balls,” and sure that may be vulgar but most of my days are boring and vulgar and gross, which if I were to think of an image that all three words sums up nicely, a man’s testicular area would provide a perfect ostensive definition. Of my days. My long and pathetic days.
Moving on.
Things have been really hectic though, lately. This always seems to happen around Halloween. Life is super boring, days are filled with the usual banality of my stay at home existence, then all of a sudden things get busy and the next thing I know it’s May the following year and I couldn’t tell you what I actually did for the preceding six months.
It’s like a coma only without the brain injury, or the sexy doctor there waiting for me to wake up. Just more days describable as balls.
That’s where my holiday update comes in! Maybe none of you gives a single carp about what I’ve been doing, but unless any of you can provide another way for me to remember it all amidst this flurry of holiday activity, it’s literally my only way of knowing.
And don’t start in with any of that “live in the moment” or “pay more attention to your surroundings” garbage. I’ve tried both of those and the results were tenuous.
(Just kidding I’ve never tried anything, my head is in the clouds. There’s nothing I can do about it but accept it and move on.)
So I have a few updates…
1. I lied about that whole not being too into Pinterest anymore thing.
I mean I didn’t really lie. I’m not into Pinterest anymore. It pisses me off. I used to be the one who did all the special, cute shit. Before Pinterest. I did cute shit before Pinterest did cute shit (if you thought I sounded like an obnoxious hipster there, you would have thought right).
Now every party or family function I go to has done all the special, cute shit. There’s nothing special about the cute shit anymore, thanks to those assholes over at Pinterest, because now everyone does it.
I said I wasn’t going to do it anymore, and that’s where I lied. I’m still doing it. Not because I want to though, just because now I feel completely inadequate as a mother if I don’t. It’s like walking your kid to school – if everyone’s doing it, and you just send the kid alone with a crow bar in case anyone approaches them because you’re completely aloof to what’s going on in your community (except the need for said crow bar) …well once you realize that everyone else is accompanying their children to school, you feel like a complete slacker as a parent.
That’s how I feel about the special, cute shit on Pinterest now. Like the mom who lets her kid walk to school alone with a crow bar.
I did a lot of stuff I saw on Pinterest for the holidays this year. I mean A LOT. The most ludicrous were the reindeer juice boxes.
I made these reindeer juice boxes I saw on Pinterest, and thought about also making an ice bucket that looked like Santa’s sleigh that they could sit in but hated myself so much by that point that I put the kibosh on that one.
So I made 24 of them. Not that I can think of 24 people who will have a single interest in drinking Minute Maid Fruit Drink out of a straw that doesn’t properly fit in the hole provided, but you know… I made them anyway.
Better to be safe than sorry about quantities is what I always say. And to always do things I have no interest in doing simply because everyone else is, even though I’m not entirely sure why.
2. I started a Neighborhood Watch group.
You know how I’m always whining and bitching about where I live? I mean I haven’t lived where I live now for very long at all, but it seems like everywhere we move to some sort of dumb shit like people stealing off our patio, or gun shots in the distance, or 55 people living in a two bedroom apartment running what appears to be a sex ring…
…things like that – always going on around us. It might be because we’ve rented in apartment complexes. Or maybe it follows us.
(I wish I was joking.)
Well then we moved to this really nice neighborhood, to a family-owned home. I mean it’s nice – the houses are beautiful, the landscaping by the HOA is really well done, and the majority of the neighbors are awesome. But then some of the typical crap (speeding cars, loud parties at night, thefts off our patio…) started happening, which made me realize that ghetto stuff happens everywhere…it’s how you deal with it that makes or breaks it for you.
Then I joined this Facebook group for the community and learned that a ton of people were fed up with the same shit I was fed up with, mostly surrounded around Christmas packages being stolen off people’s patios and scammers coming to people’s front doors… and suddenly I realized that not only was I not alone in being irritated with it all, but that this might be the first time putting my money where my mouth is would result in something actually happening for the better.
So I formed a Neighborhood Watch group and – shockingly – it’s thus far been a total success. I mean 40 people showed up to the first meeting, which is insane because when I was actually getting paid as a community organizer lo those many years ago I cried tears of joy if 3 people showed up to a meeting.
I also think a part of it was my secret desire to be a vigilante. You all can imagine my disappointment, then, when our designated sheriff told me I couldn’t chase the perps down myself…
3. I planned the stupidest Christmas Eve dinner for my tiny family that will throw the majority of it in the trash.
One time my daughter looked at the tacos that were on her plate, walked over to the trash, said “no mommy, no” and just threw that shit right away. If I wasn’t thinking about doing the same thing, I would have grounded her.
Cooking for me is hit or miss. And not like hit or miss in a minor way – we are talking grand slam home run out of the park that ball is nowhere to be found, or Jesus Christ why the fuck are you here?
Combine that with the pickiness of my father and children, and it’s a wonder anyone isn’t on the anorexics watch list.
So my dad is planning to be relatively anti-social this year, which means that I’m going to be making a Christmas Eve dinner for us to eat around noon with him. You know, so he doesn’t feel alone for the holiday, even though he’s chosen for it to be that way.
Here’s the menu I’ve picked:
Guacamole and salsa appetizers (my husband and I are the only ones that eat either);
Caprese salads (my husband and I are the only ones that eat tomatoes);
Duck soup (I’m trying to appease my husband, everyone else has asked for Gogurts instead);
Green bean casserole (when my dad saw that on the list, he said “why the hell are you making that slop?”);
Sweet corn succotash (I make this all the time, the bell peppers always find their way into the trash);
Honey Baked Ham, Prime Rib, Mashed Potatoes, Sweet Potatoes (I’m pretty sure this is the only food that will be eaten);
Jello (because fuck you everyone, I’ve done enough).
4. I budgeted more for the dog’s Christmas outfit than anyone else in the family.
My husband’s budget? $0 – he already has plenty of nice clothes.
Mine? $15 for new pantyhose.
The kids? $18.99 for dresses off the dress rack at Costco (to be fair, they are very nice…)
The dog’s? $35 and special ordered on Etsy. I only actually spent $28, but that’s still more than everyone else, and …well, Etsy.
So the next time you wonder where I’ve been lately…why I haven’t written much, or what I’ve been up to…
…well, there’s a good chance that I’m spending more money on my dog than anyone else in the family, cooking meals I know that no one in my house will eat, doing projects I hate myself for doing for reasons I can’t quite articulate, and organizing vigilante groups in which we are not actually allowed to be vigilantes, but whatever it’s fun and maybe they’ll appreciate my psychotic love affair with my dog since so many of them seem to also have psychotic love affairs with their dogs too…
Hopefully after the holidays I’ll have more relevant, less all-about-me things to write about.
Heather Christena Schmidt 