For those of you that have read my book, listen carefully in my blogs, or know me personally, you know I majored in political science my first go around college. Sure, I hate politics now and this blog is about as anti-political as it could get. But I’m still addicted to what is going on in the world of campaign signs and lawmaking. Why you ask?
Because I really majored in political sexy.
Joe Biden
When Joe Biden came out last night after Obama’s acceptance speech, looking like a kid in a candy store, it was all I could do to keep my clothes on. Goddamn, for an older man, Biden is hot.
He’s the number one reason I read The Onion.
Romney’s Sons
While I really and truly commend Romney for his gracious and honorable concession speech last night, I still wish he had kept his family up there with him. Why you ask?
So I could drool over his sons.
Bill Clinton
He can slip me his Slick Willy any day.
Man that was crass, and Poor Nick really deserves an “oh … poor Nick …” because it’s true.
Talking Heads
Most of you are aware of my insane crush on Wolf Blitzer. I bet you didn’t know about my additional crushes, though, on Chris Matthews and Lawrence O’Donnell.
I always tell people I prefer to watch MSNBC because they are usually the most accurate (which is true). But the real reason is because I enjoy staring at Matthews and O’Donnell for hours on end. Last night I went for a record eight.
I’ll never forget when I was still in college and looking for an internship. The first internship I signed up for was for Evan Bayh’s primary presidential campaign, based in Santa Monica. I was helping the fundraising coordinator for the area with miscellaneous tasks a few days a week, and got to go to my first event Bayh would be at within the first week.
That was my last day working for them. I didn’t get fired or anything; I quit because I thought he was so sexy. I wasn’t there to oogle his fine ass, I was there to learn. Years later, I realize I should have stayed. I mean at this point, the degree has done nothing more for me than raise my blood pressure and glue me to the television, while hating how it all plays out and growing more and more jaded about the electoral process altogether.
So I majored in political sexy. Did you?
By the way … don’t be a turkey and BUY MY BOOK! And if you want it signed, just email me for details on how to get that done and shipped back to you for free! Click here, buy book, woohoo!
I read this morning that Mitt Romney said he didn’t know if the voters always make the right choice, and that he couldn’t guarantee they would in this election, but he hopes they do. Way to have confidence in those you depend on Mittens.
But it reminded me of my own state, California. We don’t have confidence in anyone either: evidence of which can be found on our state ballots, which are packed full of stupid propositions meant to overrule the laws made by our very own lawmakers. Lawmakers we voted into office.
This is the principal problem with politics in America. There is no confidence, in either direction. I don’t give a fuck if you are well aware that sometimes the voters make mistakes: if you don’t have confidence in your tax-paying, vote-giving constituents, you probably shouldn’t be running for office. And the same goes for the voters – stop voting for people you don’t trust. If Californians can make better laws, maybe they should run for office instead of shoving divisive, costly, and time-wasting propositions on the ballot every election.
President Obama
I wish people would just shut the fuck up already with the “Obama’s a terrorist” and “Obama wasn’t born in this country” bullshit. None of that is relevant to the actual election. Nor is the fact that he’s black, although I will admit that Chris Rock’s endorsement of Obama as the whitest candidate is pretty hilarious.
Another sign of the growing stupidity with which our country has run rampant is the fact that so many people focus on things that have nothing to do with qualifications. Obama’s black. Romney’s a mormon. I heard Obama’s a terrorist. I’m pretty sure Romney’s the devil incarnate, here to bring on Armaggedon.
I wonder if anyone that votes anymore votes on the actual issues? Like economic plans? Not “what has he done” or “what did he promise” … but their actual economic plan. Or things that are important, like health care, medicare, social security, women’s rights, human rights, foreign policy, national security, disaster preparedness, proactive environmental initiatives, and so on.
The fact that you voted
Seriously. I don’t fucking care. This is not to offend any of the many friends, blog followers, or otherwise acquaintanced people, but I just don’t care. Hear me out, though, before you start unfollowing me or deleting me as a friend on Facebook.
I don’t need to see your Instagram photos of your voting sticker. I don’t need to hear about where you put your sticker. I don’t care that you stood in line for thirty minutes, or that you engaged in a delightful conversation about the weather with the woman running your polling place. I don’t give a shit if forty ladies said your baby was adorable, and covered him/her in stickers too.
Do you want to know why I don’t give a fuck, though? Because last week some of you called the President of the goddamned United States a “nigger.” Because the week before many of you posted memes of Romney and Ryan having PhotoShopped anal sex.
It causes me too much stress to now know that you dumb, bigoted motherfuckers voted. To think that the future of our country rests in your hands.
For the rest of you, I truly am happy that you voted and took the opportunity to share it with me in every way imaginable. Now let’s move on.
My neighbor’s teenage son
Apparently some schools are off on Election Day around here. I’m not sure why really. The rest of the world has to work, why the fuck should the schools be able to use that as another excuse to litter our streets with punk ass kids? Especially when over 95% of the people in those schools are too young to vote.
And come to think of it, the polls are open until late this evening, while most schools get out by 3 around here – so what the fuck?
In any event, some of the schools are off for the election. Yippity-doo. That means that my neighbor’s teenage son was home today, and his girlfriend came over. So when I went to get my third Diet Coke of the day, they were on the front patio, hiding from his uber-conservative Vietnamese mother.
You know what they were doing? It. They were doing it. They were having sex, fully clothed – right there on the front patio.
Ultimately I don’t give a fuck. Kids are going to do it whether you give them the ease to do it or not. I just hope the kid was wearing a rubber.
But that’s besides the point: this is what happens when the schools take all these superfluous days off. Little fuckers ride their bikes around the neighborhood, throwing shit at people’s cars and screaming early in the morning while I’m trying to sleep. Every place I go to is jammed with kids that should otherwise be in school, stepping on my feet and slobbering their gooey hands all over my purse when they push past me. Drug peddlers have more access to kids, that are out getting into trouble instead of hitting the books in school.
My tax dollars pay for what again? Teachers and administrators to have an entire day off to go vote, when the election places are open late anyway (also paid for by my taxes). And for kids to screw on the front porch.
So this is the most political I will ever get on this blog. And really it’s a testament to why I cannot stand politics. I’ve worked for those people. I even met Obama, long before he became president. When I decided to major in political science, I took a class about American Government. Our primary text and task was to assess whether it’s a good thing when the masses vote or not. Is it good when people vote because they hate black people? Is it a bad thing for people to vote based on their religious values? Sure I vote, and I’m glad when well-educated people do too. But as for the others…
You be the judge. But quite frankly, I don’t give a fuck.
By the way … don’t be a turkey and BUY MY BOOK! And if you want it signed, just email me for details on how to get that done and shipped back to you for free! Click here, buy book, woohoo!
Heather Christena Schmidt 