Heather Christena Schmidt

Mom, first * Writer, second * Misanthrope, always

  Today was the last day of tennis camp. I did not send treat bags for all the kids. I did not bake cookies shaped and decorated as tennis balls. I did not bring special activities to add to the camp fun, like bubbles or hula hoops. I drove up in my SUV, and did …

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Today is my birthday. I am, at my core, a Tax Baby. I’m not just saying that I was born on American Tax Day; I’m saying I’m high maintenance. Kidding. (Not really kidding.) There was a time when my birthday was a day-long party. Either I had a party, like when I was little with …

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I was at Barnes and Noble yesterday. I know what you’re all thinking – but wait, we thought you hated going anywhere during the holidays! Well, I do. But I had to go to Barnes and Noble to get what was apparently the last, mangled copy of the map of the world in all of …

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  I’m in Texas, and if there is one thing I have learned in my four days here, it’s that the Texans like their meats. We don’t eat meat very often in California. That’s not entirely true, I serve a very meat-and-potatoes-with-vegetables kind of menu for most dinners; but we aren’t talking Texas meat. Red …

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My mother used to tell me that “they say once you have kids, your maternal instinct never goes away.” I suppose this could help to explain why a lot of mothers experience that Empty Nest Syndrome after their kids grow up and move away from home, or why many women mother their husbands. But then …

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That’s a literary device we in the professional writing world call: sarcasm. Look it up, you will find it to be a delicious way to poke fun at others. Or (in this case) yourself. Myself. A delicious way to poke fun at me. I’m starting to really wrack up the resume of Bad Mom days. …

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We used to have a mother’s helper. She came over two times a week, for three hours each time. She’d help with picking up around the house, dishes, lunch, homeschooling, and so on. For the three months she worked for us, it was great. Sort of. I got to leave the house to run errands …

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