New Years Countdown Series, Day 3: Peter Griffen’s Holiday Rant

I love my friends, particularly because they are just as bitchy as I am. The other day, I noticed one of my friends posted on Facebook about New Years and something about punching anyone in the face that says “see you next year!” I cannot stand that cheesy crap – you know, when someone says something blatantly corny and you feel required to either (a) laugh in earnest, or (b) pretend-fake laugh, like “hah … hah …” in an effort to let the cheese ball know that you still appreciate their cheesiness. In either event, all this does is encourage people to keep doing it.

So, back to the post – I thought that if he was bitching about that, he probably had other things to bitch about. This being the B(itch)Log, it only fit for me to ask him to do a guest post. So here’s my first guest blogger – who at the suggestion of doing this said I’m gonna feel like Peter Griffen from Family Guy when he had his own li’l news spot called ‘What Grinds My Gears.’ In reality, our guest blogger couldn’t be any further from the Family Guy “star,” but it’s a good pseudonym, and if he’s anything like me, he’s always wanted to be a cartoon character. So rock it, Peter Griffen.

(And in keeping with the fact that I can’t keep my mouth shut, well, ever, I’ve inserted my comments in green…)

Peter Griffen’s Holiday Rant

You wanted a little rant so, here it is.  And this is the popping of my blog cherry – you would say [yes, I would … and you’ve popped my guest post cherry too].

New Years…. a new beginning of sorts you can say; or what I like to call another reason to celebrate with friends and loved ones, and a reason to drink.  [What isn’t?!] In most aspects, excessively!  [Again, what isn’t?!] 

Now don’t get me wrong, I love New Years. But there are a lot of things that I hate that go along with it.  For instance (and I posted about this earlier on Facebook), the Idiocracy [such a good movie!] of people saying on New Year’s Eve “I will see you next year.”  People in some demented way think it’s cute or funny, but (in fact) it’s just straight-up dumb. And it lacks any kind of moral humor.  That’s why I said that if anyone so dares utter those words to me in a joyful, playful statement that I will punch them in the face! [By contrast, the idea of punching someone for trying to be joyful is humor to me…this is why Peter Griffen and I are friends, and probably why a lot of people don’t like either of us …]

Now, for some of the other traditions that go along with it that I do understand … well,l I just don’t want to.  Like the singing of Auld Lang Syne. (One) most people dont even know the name of the song, they just call it the ‘New Years Song.’ (Two) the majority of people only know the first line of the song “…for auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind…” followed by mumble mumble mumble, lip sync and look around so people think I know the words and then – lastly – just drink more and forget the song is playing.

Next, resolutions… WHAT IS THE POINT?  [My sentiments exactly.] Why say that you are going to do something that you know whole-heartedly you aren’t going to do?  In a lot of cases, it’s most likely to… well I don’t really know.  […done by people whose lives are so mundane that while out on New Years Eve they have nothing better to talk about? … just a thought…] And for the most part the resolution is basically about something that the person should have been doing for their whole life. Like stop smoking, eat healthier, be nicer to people, and probably the most overly used “go to the gym and work out more”.   87% of resolutions are broken within the first week of the New Year, and the rest are just forgotten within a month’s time…. true story!  Also statements that use a percentage in them to get a point across are most likely made up.  Yes it’s a made up percentage that I used but honestly it is most likely pretty damn accurate. [There’s the Peter Griffen tangent … so actually your made up statistics are pretty accurate. Gallop polling  suggests that up to 90% of resolutions are broken within weeks of New Years. Another study done a few years back showed that of the remaining people who had made a resolution and kept with it in the following months, 54% surveyed reported to have still forgotten about or had given the resolution up by the end of June. And regarding statistics in general, everyone knows that if a statistic is not fake, chances are it is either skewed or bias. The stats I just cited are sponsored by organizations very likely trying to guilt people into actually keeping their resolutions next year… nice little tangent, there Family Guy…]

What else is there? … what else, what else, what else …

I’m sure there are a lot more things done that I see pointless and just straight up ridiculous, but……….  wait, watching a giant ball drop down in New York City while you are in a different time zone. [This always made me wonder … because we have our own cool countdown things too, so why not watch those?] Watching crappy bands play on their tv specials, along with the point of views of celebrities that we could care even less about.  [Shoot me in the face, Justin Bieber is on Rockin’ New Years Eve this year…] And come on now, just let that old guy relax – he’s barely alive as it is and shouldn’t be having a ‘rockin’ New Years Eve!

Now as I wrap this up, there are other things that I have left out. But they wouldn’t matter to me anyway. Every year since I have discovered alcohol, I have gotten drunk with friends and sometimes not remembered what happened anyway so I don’t pay much attention to them at all. [I do … how about we talk about the New Years Kiss? BARF!]

Your Faithful Ranter,

Peter Griffen

P.S. I know the old fart’s name: Dick Clark. [Even with a name, he’s still probably a robot.]

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New Years Countdown Series, Day 4: Resolution a’Don’t Do It

We’re four days to the New Year and I realized today that it is an absolute necessity that people not make resolutions this year.

Seriously.

Think about it – every year, people make the most typical and cliched resolutions they can find. “I’m going to find true love” and “I’m finally going to get in shape” are among the most annoying. Here are the worst, and here’s why:

I’m finally going to get in shape. 

This is sort of a selfish one because (to be quite honest), I’m getting sick and tired of people joining my gym in the first month or so of the year and clogging up my favorite machines. See that above? That’s me – enjoying the peace and quiet of the gym at the end of the year when everyone’s lost any semblance of giving a shit about their physical shape whilst shoveling bucketfuls of yams down their gullets. And anyway, by Valentine’s Day everyone that resolved to get in shape has then moved back into depression-binge eating when they inevitably have to suffer the misery of Table for One on the big day-o-love. So let’s just skip past the false attempts at making amends with our bodies and keep porking down the In ‘n’ Out four-by-fours through the New Years.

I’m going to help others in need more.

This usually means “I’m going to run a marathon” which is cool and all as a one-time thing (not too much more, though, says the world’s leading cardiologists…), although since everyone and their stupid assed mother is running a marathon now, it’s like everyone’s also got their hands out trying to pressure you into making some kind of a donation to their cause. There are so many ways that you can help others in need than just running a marathon though (which, by the way – many times is done through a training program that requires donations and has a considerable “off the top” administrative fee those donations go towards…). My point is that by March of every year, I’m inundated with donation requests from friends running in an event to help X cause and it makes me not want to ever talk to them again – not because I don’t want to donate, but because I can only donate so much. The other annoying as shit aspect of the “help others more” resolution is in the “help others more and by ‘help others more’ I mean playing stupid fucking Facebook awareness games, like ‘post the color of your bra’ or ‘change your profile picture to your favorite cartoon character.'” Posting those “blaa blaa blaa guilt guilt blaa blaa 98% of you won’t repost” things doesn’t do shit either.

I am going to get a better education, dammit !! !!! !!

Unless you are willing to give up your LOLs, your OMGs, and your incessant refusal to use your punctuation properly (OMG !!), save your fucking money.

Thanks for giving me nightmares, http://www.graphicshunt.com

Next year, that chick is resolving to finally get herself a man.

Good luck, sweetheart. But seriously – this is probably the most unrealistic of the New Years Resolutions – the “I’m going to get a relationship.” It’s completely unrealistic because of the lack of control each person has in actually accomplishing it. A resolution is supposed to be something that you can control – something you can actually “get.” Now, you can control things like whether you let your body hair go wild (note: I photoshopped the hair off my own legs in my workout photo above …); you can control the removal of unsightly warts and sebaceous cysts that look akin to something like a conjoined twin. You cannot control whether all your fancy-pants dolling up is going to result in a relationship. You can control your mouth (unless, of course, you are me); you cannot control whether you will meet someone that likes you for who you really are. It’s about the right time and place, in the exact situation and the emotional maturity that is on par with the other person. Relationships are not something you just “get.”

So am I going to make a resolution anyway and be a total douche-face of an hypocrite? No. No I’m not.

That’s a lie. I actually am. I’m a total hypocrite, I know. What is it you ask? Not something you’ll find on the United States Government’s list of “popular resolutions” (why the shit is our government spending time categorizing these lists?). And not something that I’m doing for any of those bull shit reasons listed above, either.

I’m resolving to drink more chocolate milk. I joke not, faithful blog followers – it’s just so tasty. I’m thinking of going the Fat Free Ovaltine route.

Hey you know what you should resolve to do? Fan my blog on Facebook. I’m starting to feel tears well up in the back of my eyes at the thought of not achieving my by-30 goal of 100 fans. Please …?


New Years Countdown Series, Day 5: the B(itch) Actually Did Things in 2011

That’s right, b(itch)es – we’re having a New Years Countdown to 2012. Today is the first, although since it’s a countdown it will be (of course) Day 5: 5 days out to 2012 and a whole new year of opportunities to be snarky.

But before I cap off my countdown with the traditional rants and complaints, I thought I’d first go over the things I actually did this year. If you know me well, you know I don’t usually accomplish much – particularly since I left school in 2010 and took up the life of languish. In that time, I’ve tirelessly tried to work on a book and to win some writing-related contests, mostly to no avail though (part because of me, part because of others). But as the year winds down, it appears I have actually done some things worth noting this year:

I finished my Ridiculous Reads Challenge. Originally I just wanted to read as much as I could in 2011 – good, quality books (not that vampire glitter puke crap you get in the ever-growing YA section at Barnes and Noble); then it morphed into the daunting task of finishing 40 good books. A few ended up being utter piles of crap, but the majority were great and I finished them all. To see my list, visit my ridiculous reads page, which will be replaced with 2012’s page in the near future … for a look ahead, I plan on 50 in 2012 with War and Peace kicking off the effort. During this time I realized just how much I love books and words, as well as writing. People call themselves nerds when they spend a lot of time reading and writing but I think it’s the people that read absolutely nothing that are the real losers. (…spoken like a true nerd, I’m sure.)

I was just nominated for a WordPress Blogger Award – the 7 X 7 Link Award. It’s my first and it’s awesome. Muey thanks to Scribbling Hermit for the nomination – faithful blog followers should follow that link, I’m quite a fan of the poetry. Reportedly, the nominee has to make some inclusions to the announcement of said nomination, though, so here they are:

A confession of sorts about me you faithful blog followers might not know: is that I love gangster rap. I’m not even kidding you – stupid, little girl drinking frilly mocha drinks, who is too afraid to drive outside of her comfort zone for fear that some hardcore gang member is going to shank her ass (even if there are no gangs reported in the general vicinity) … bumps rap whose primary words are “fuck” “shank” “guns” “cut” “smoke” “bitch” “bitch” “bitch” “fuck” and more “bitch.”

Seven links of my blog posts that I believe are the cream of the crop: Most Surprisingly Successful Korean Hooker Hostage (I’m on to these people…), Most Underrated The Many Types of Hugs (which I still am in need of, even the terrifying yet at the same time satisfying junk-mashing one), Most Popular How to Have a Hillbilly Thanksgiving (coming up on the countdown – How to Have a Hillbilly New Years Celebration), Most Beautiful People I Would Have an Affair With (a few of which, I am starting to think I actually would …), Most Helpful Profile of a Douche (for it’s applicability and helpfulness to the general population), Most Controversial Stop Being Such a P*s*y (for the number of conversations inspired), and Most Pride Worthy The World Does Not Stop (for its sheer bitchiness and because I used the phrase “on the rag”).

And finally to nominate seven bloggers, who you also should check out because I love them: A Spoonful of Suga (hilariously brilliant), Life in the Farce Lane (love the bluntness), The Life of JWo (I love some of the daily goings-on reported in this blog because it makes my life seem more normal), The Dissemination of Thought (funny. as. hell.), The Eleventh Stack (HELLO! written by librarians about books), Lolabees (for the traveling to places I can live vicariously through in the pictures), and Laughter is Catching (just great writing).

I won a poetry contest in April, and it was for the first real poem I had ever written. (And have since written none.) I don’t think it’s that great – but the group of people judging the contest did.

A Burden To Bear

Feathery Pens. Pillowy clouds.

Ex-tolling crowds.

I, a fool;

Young. Naïve.

Writing, a dream:  covered in shrowds.

Older. Experienced. Lacking elation.

Endless frus-tra-tion.

A sentence

an hour.

Sleepless nights in con-templation.

Voltaire! Voltaire!

He had said to beware!

This hurts.

Sentences strain.

Writing, in reality: a burden to bear.

I’m sure I’ve done other things to mention this year, but these are the three that come to mind (and are probably the most relevant to my blog). I could include other things, like eliminating dysfunctional losers from my life (finally!!) and finishing my manuscript then trashing it – but I think those three above are the most exciting.

Although, there was also that “date” with Wolf  on my 100th blog post … God I love that man …

 

 

Hey, speaking of accomplishments, you assholes didn’t get me what I wanted for Christmas this year – 100 Facebook fans. But there’s hope for our relationship just yet – I’ve extended my goal of 100 to my 30th birthday on April 15th. So do me a huge one and click through to “like” my page. And spread the word!