This post has sadly been removed due to publication and copyright laws. You can still read it, though, by buying B(itch) Against the World for unlimited viewing, plus more great and new posts from 2011. And it’s only $2.99! Click the picture of the cover for more details!
This post has sadly been removed due to publication and copyright laws. You can still read it, though, by buying B(itch) Against the World for unlimited viewing, plus more great and new posts from 2011. And it’s only $2.99! Click the picture of the cover for more details!
Today I witnessed the most bizarre thing I have ever seen in my life. It occurred at roughly noon, and now – almost eight hours later – I am still befuddled by it.
I present to you first, a random, elderly Hispanic couple.
No, this is not the actual random, elderly Hispanic couple that I am referring to. It would have been far too obvious for me to lean over and take a photograph of them with my cell phone. But after (literally) hours of searching the Internet, this is the closest thing I could find. The woman was dressed exactly this way, with the similarly vacant look on her face. The husband’s striped shirt was starched impeccably straight; and his glasses were just as plastic and thick. The only real difference was that they were in their 1970s, red-orange Chevy Impala.
I next present to you the music they were listening to. There were no other cars or trucks at the intersection, so this was their music blaring, without the shadow of a doubt. I would argue it was as loud as it could go.
Neither of them flinched a bit through the entire time the song was on and we were sitting at the unusually long stop light. They just sat, staring straight ahead vacantly. I sat there, looking over at them repeatedly, each time my insides becoming more and more horrified. I don’t know why this was so horrifying at the time, but it was.
What’s wrong with this picture?
I don’t want to be judgmental or to generalize, but this is not exactly the type of music I imagine an elderly couple of any persuasion to be listening to at maximum volume in their car. When I got home, I looked up the song and the lyrics and immediately the reason behind my terrified feelings became quite obvious. Let’s look at a few of the lyrics.
Grind, grind, grind!
No I guess my grind on
No I guess my grind on
No I guess my grind on
No I guess my grind on
Grind, grind, grind, grind on
Man, I got no bitches on a… running.. for me!
..should stay fit… should I stay rich
I never go broke, I got a…
Cause I’m on my (grind)
Get money when you (grind)
Fucking when with my (grind)
I’m so cold on these whores, somebody throw me out
Gotta.. like to go down South
See me talking on the plane, I got a fly ass mouth
You did, I’m shining dough
So where’s my glove?
So where’s my bitch?
So where’s my wife?
All I do is, I like it when she grind!
Grind, grind, grind, grind on
No I guess my grind on
No I guess my grind on
No I guess my grind on
No I guess my grind on
By far, this was the most bizarre experience of my entire life. This tops almost everything I can think of, even that one time in Baja…
This post has sadly been removed due to publication and copyright laws. You can still read it, though, by buying B(itch) Against the World for unlimited viewing, plus more great and new posts from 2011. And it’s only $2.99! Click the picture of the cover for more details!
Today I learned something absolutely fantastic, and I now feel the confidence to come out with another of my own deep, dark secrets: I am not the only person to have an insane crush on Conan O’Brien.
My marriage be damned, I have a lot of relatively atypical celebrity crushes. Conan O’Brien is one of them. While most of the people I know are gushing over those raging douches on Jersey Shore, and the likes of Brad Pitt, I stick to the underdogs who are rarely the source of celebrity swooning. It isn’t that the “underdogs” aren’t attractive, it’s just that the people I generally swoon after are both attractive as well as intelligent, the latter not always appreciated by the general public.
Or possibly I’m completely insane. I think we’ve established that is a very legitimate possibility. Last week I admitted to you, faithful blog followers, that I have had a secret love of Wolf Blitzer (and most of the other major cable network news anchors) for some time. Now, when my friend Erica posted on her Facebook this evening that she too has an unearthly crush on the red-haired comedienne, I am ready to come forward with not only my love of Coco, but all my celebrity crushes.
#1 Wolf Blitzer, Chris Matthews, et all
Maybe it’s because they raise their voices all the time on the television, or possibly because they know so much about the world and political theory. Whatever the case may be, I have the hots for the majority of male news anchors on the major cable networks, with (of course) the exception of Fox.
#2 Conan O’Brien
I haven’t even watched his show for that long; possibly since he began on TBS about a year ago. Nonetheless, most nights of the week I tune in to hear his musings on the world, his comedic banter with his guests and side-kick Andy, and delight in the sarcastic wit that bleeds through the show every night.
#3 Most of the young priests on EWTN
Am I going to hell for this one? I spend a lot of time hanging out with my father and, as a result of his staunch Catholicism, we often find ourselves watching talk shows on the Catholic station, EWTN. They are boring beyond belief, though, leaving me only one option to stay entertained: find someone hot to look at. Of course thinking that those young priests are hot beyond all reason is probably my straight ticket to hell. Whatever, I think we all know I am going that way anyway.
#4 Gerard Butler
Do other people find this guy attractive? I know he is something of a rising star these days, but every time I mention to someone that I have a celebrity crush on Butler, they look at me like I’m a complete moron. In any event, he makes me swoon.
#5 Chris Hardwick
A few years ago, my friend Jeremy and I saw Hardwick’s comedy routine live in Hollywood. We sat in the front row and at one point Hardwick leaned over and asked me if something was stuck in the microphone. It was everything I could do not to say directly into that microphone “would you like me to have your babies?” Hardwick – for me – is a matter of nostalgia, as well as his absolutely hilarious comedic style.
And last, but certainly not least #6 John Cusack
Again, does anyone crush on John Cusack? I do. I always have. I think it has to do with the fact that his characters are always portrayed in the exact way I feel. I don’t think I enjoyed him that much in Being John Malcovich, and I was absolutely disappointed that he participated in that Hot Tub Time Machine atrocity; nonetheless, I have always had a major crush on the man behind Gross Pointe Blank and High Fidelity.
The thing to remember about me, faithful blog followers, is that I am more attracted to the qualities of intelligence, wit, misanthrope, and sarcasm far beyond anything else. I don’t “fantasize” about any of my atypical celebrity crushes, but were I to it would likely be a matter of getting into a conversation about some esoteric topic; or of exchanging witty banter on all things in the world stupid. Nothing would excite me more than exchanging sarcasm with Conan O’Brien, or getting into a debate about political theory with Wolf Blitzer. Nothing, faithful blog followers. Nothing.
Heather Christena Schmidt 