Profile of a Douche

By douche, I of course mean a member of the male persuasion who has a natural propensity to being an asshole.  I do not mean that thing you irrigate parts of your body with, like that Summers Eve bottle I once got caught hiding under my bed, after stealing it from my mom to see what it was and to show to my friends when I was only six.  I’m sure there are plenty of women out there that could be referred to as douches, but I will (of course) be keeping this in the context of men for a few reasons:  (1) I myself am a woman who has never come across douches other than male ones; (2) I would argue that a woman that matches these descriptions could more appropriately be coined that thing which starts with a “c” and rhymes with hunt.

A douche pays an unnecessary amount of time on his physical appearance

I have known douches that spend more time getting ready than I do – a task that is difficult, for I have no where to be and nothing other than my hair and make up to do.  A douche will not only spend a lot of time making his hair look just right, or brushing his teeth then flossing then scraping his tongue then applying hydrogen whitener then smiling at himself before finally finishing it all off with a little mouth wash and a stick of gum, he’ll also do completely asinine things like pluck his own eyebrows and wax his arm hair.  You can always tell a douche by the amount of body hair he has – the less there can be found, the douchier he is.  I fully expect that dick-rag The Situation to have not a lick of hair on his entire body.

A douche uses retarded buzz words and doubles them up

You can always tell a douche is in the room when you hear someone repeating all of the words he says.  “Cool cool” is a good example, another is “ay-ight ay-ight.”  A douche always uses buzz words that are retarded and make no sense too.  As much as I loved Swingers, “money” is a buzz word I still have yet to grasp.  So is “tight,” as well as “brah.”  Any combination or repetition is walking a fine line into complete douche territory.

A douche always has super-douchey bumper stickers

Douches invariably have the most tasteless, hillbilly-esque, bumper stickers on the back of their Hummers/pick up trucks.  The one I like to steer clear of the most is the image of innocent, little Calvin (from Calvin and Hobbes) pissing on something that the douche bag doesn’t like.  Sometimes it’s another car logo, other times it’s something really inflammatory like a cross – in any event, douches always have these types of bumper stickers on their cars.  The others usually involve guns, red meat, and Ford products.

A douche will always blame his problems on someone else

This is one of the most douchiest things a douche can do, and they do it all the time.  Unable to admit he has any faults of his own, the douche will always look for other people to blame for every, single, cotton-picking thing wrong in his life.  It’s so obnoxious to hear a douche go off on a rail about everyone else’s part in his shortcomings.  The ones I like the best are when there is literally no way that someone else could be to blame, like in the case of the size of a douche’s member.  Douches will blame their impotency on the women in their life too – this is possibly the most classic symptom of being a douche.  I read on a blog a while ago “if a guy can’t get his dick up it’s because their’s something wrong with his dick, not with you.”  Truer words were never spoken – but a douche won’t be able to accept that and will always try to blame someone else.

A douche will be only focused on himself

Have you ever gone on Facebook and seen douches and cunext-times commenting on another person’s joyous status, only talking all about themselves?  God that really pisses me off.  “Hey Ken, congrats on the new job!  You know I have been working in my new job for about a month now, doing really well and just got promoted!”  “OMG LOL I was just saying that everyone is having babies like we did!  Good for you!”  If you can’t congratulate people without turning into being all about you, shut the fuck up douche!  It goes beyond that, though, because a douche will always prioritize his own priorities way above you, even though (in a lot of cases) you should be his priority.  Particularly relevant in relationships, a douche will constantly remind you of the things that are far more important to him than anything you have to say – it is the proverbial talking at a wall.

A douche will almost always have some sort of overblown thing, like muscles or cars

Typically, this is because the douche is compensating for the fact that his penis is way too small to even be seen with a microscope, or because his balls are still located in the purse of his ex-girlfriend.  A douche will typically be seen with big obsessions which are maxed out as much as possible, be it in working out (big muscles, obsessed with his muscles, kisses his muscles), cars (lots of cars, works on cars all the time, reads about nothing but cars), etc.  I dated a guy in high school once that hit up GNC every Tuesday for their muscle milk and creatine specials, and whenever he put his arms around me it was clear that he was trying to flex me to death so I wouldn’t notice the unreasonably tiny twig-like thing poking into my back.  And in the end like the most of them, he was most certainly a douche.

A douche likes to get into fights

There is nothing about a fight that makes anything about you bigger.  This includes (but is not limited to):  your muscles, your ego, your pride, your head, your penis, your balls, or any other thing the douche may think gets bigger as a result of getting into a fight.  And yet, douches do it all the time.  Those whack ass guidos on Jersey Shore are constantly getting into fights – it’s as though they cannot even stop themselves.  There is always a more peaceful way to stand up for your girl, get back at that loser that is hitting on your woman, or defend the honor of your schwanz.

If you, or anyone you know, fits into more than a few of these qualities, doucheness may be what we have at hand.  Reassess the situation and (if it is you) possibly consider a career as a cast member of Jersey Shore.

 

 

The World Does Not Stop…

I’m not quite sure why this has happened, but more and more it seems that people have this weird idea that the world stops just because [fill in the blank] has happened to them.  To be honest (and I’m sure this will annoy some of you closest to me), it really makes me pause and question just where our heads are.  Sad to say, I think they are on (ahem, in) the wrong end.

So to help us all get those proverbial heads out of our real-life asses, I’ve decided to make a list of things that the world does not stop for.  The point is not only to advocate for a healthier, less egocentric viewpoint (typical of the misanthropic vein of this blog); but more importantly to harken back to the idea of happy and healthy balance that we discussed yesterday.  There is hope for everyone, and there is no room for “well everyone has different priorities…”  So with that in mind:

The world does not stop … because you are having a baby.  Remember that first blog on this new site about the tendency people have now to act like they are the first people on the planet to have a baby?  Well, you aren’t … and the world does not stop for that very reason.

The world does not stop … because you have a big project going on at work.  This one hits really close to home for me.  While I know that in a trying economy, employees want to bend over backwards to please their employers or open new career paths, there still must be a balance to make sure you do not hurt your entire life in the process.  If you cannot have that balance, you either need to find a new job or consider whether it is the best time in your life to take on that extra level of responsibility.  Just because you are working 24/7 does not mean that bills can go unpaid, kids can go uncared for, prior commitments can be canceled, and relationships outside of work can just set to autopilot.  That just isn’t the case.

The world does not stop … because you are planning a big event.  It could be a wedding; it could be a baby shower.  In any event, as important as that big event seems to you, a lot of people around you don’t care.  Remember with friends, family, and coworkers to talk about things they are interested in; and give them a chance to talk about their big things too.

The world does not stop … because your girlfriend/boyfriend dumped you.  Get over it:  there are plenty of fish in the sea, right?  Just because your girlfriend/boyfriend couldn’t take your snoring/feet/body hair anymore, doesn’t mean life around you ceases to continue.  Marriage is a much different story, but as for kiddie-type relationships that probably never went further than first base, try and move on.

The world does not stop … because your favorite TV show/sporting event is on.  God is there nothing more annoying than someone who will blow off an important phone call because of Dancing With the Stars; or someone that spends an entire dinner watching the baseball game showing on the big screen behind them.  Invest in a DVR if it’s that important to you.

The world does not stop … because you walked in the room.  More accurately, I should probably say “… because you got on the freeway.”  These people that act like they own the road (when the rules of it generally mandate that we should all be sharing …) really have gotten bad.  It starts with those people that do not realize they are supposed to yield to traffic when they are entering the freeway; and is capped off with those that change lanes without even looking.

The world does not stop … because you are on the rag.  Yep, I did just say that.  What a terribly sexist thing for me to say; but I’m a woman and I can say with absolute certainty that the worst thing ever is a woman that thinks the world is supposed to bow to her because she has cramps and a foul attitude.  It goes for men too (because they do, in fact, go through monthly hormonal fluctuations just like women); so perhaps I could soften it to “… because you are in a bad mood.”  However it’s phrased, take note.

 

The list could go on, but you, faithful blog followers, get the point.  Head-in-ass-syndrome could very well be substituted for “egocentric” or “narcissistic personality disorder.”  There is a healthier, balanced way to live life than you are.  Wise up and realize that the world does not stop for anything.

What I will do if your kid screams in my face or hits me again …

Long title, eh?  Almost as long as my day.

Today was another one of marathon activities:  swim class, bubble baths, errands, art classes, and a puppet show at the library.  All these activities, of course, meant being around a lot of little, screaming children.  Now, I’m all for kids having a good time, and I know that at some of these things you should expect there to be at least a few obnoxious kids around – but sometimes parents are … how do I say this … too hands off.  It’s as if the parents think they bring their kids to something in a public place and they no longer have to monitor their behavior.

Photo credit Adventures of El Destructo

Well, I’ve got news for you ladies (and sometimes men):  your kids are brats.  Not all of them – some are polite, saying “excuse me” and “please and thank you” when they should.  But today none of those nice kids were out.

My day began at the public swimming pool, where I desperately tried to squeeze in thirty minutes of writing while I waited for swimming class to end.  About ten minutes in a woman and her four kids showed up and the children began jumping and screaming on the very bench I was sitting on.  It didn’t stop there, though:  one of the kids actually started screaming and spitting in my face.  When I asked the woman to get her unruly children under control, she told me that (being that it was a public pool and all), I could move if I didn’t like it – they had a right to harass me like that.

No ma’am.  No they don’t.

The fun continued later on when I made the mistake of packing the family in the car and heading to the public library where a summer program puppet show was being held.  Screaming children were everywhere, walking in front of each other and blocking the views of the more well-behaved kids.  The worst, though, was that there was a long line and tickets to get in.  We waited, and waited, and waited, and suddenly three mothers with four kids (each) walked in front of us and got in line with a friend, with her own cadre of brats, that was right in front of us saving a place.  Again, if it were no more than a couple of people she was saving a place for, that would have been one thing.  But fifteen additional bodies packing into the spot in line right before us?  They acted as if they were entitled to take the place in front of us in line.  At the high point of the event, one of the kids stepped on my foot and then looked up and stuck out his tongue – his mother then too busy gabbing with her friends to pay much attention.

I really hate it when I see other people disciplining children that are not theirs.  It really just isn’t their place.  But when I am in a public place and a kid’s parents are not acting like … well, parents … I can now see why the gloves come off.  Just as the woman’s kids at the public swimming pool had the right to play however they wanted at the pool, by virtue of the fact that the pool was public, I and my family have just as much of a right to not be impacted by such blatantly self-centered and outright rude behavior.

So here’s the deal, parents that are wrapped so tightly around their kid’s fingers that they really think bad behavior (by objective standards) is okay, here’s what I will do to your kid if he screams or spits in my face again:  I’ll scream and spit back, and believe you me I have twenty years of yelling on your child.

Photo credit dreamchildmethod.com

And for those of you that really believe it is okay for your kid to run wild whilst you stand by and chit-chat with your friends, pretending that nothing is going on, occasionally muttering “kids will be kids,” your child will not be exempt just because you are too ignorant and self-absorbed to pay attention.  If your kid steps on my foot intentionally, smashes into me, hits me, or does anything else to cause me (or my family) bodily harm, I will break out the spanking-hand and show you how to be a parent.

Those of you that know me know that I would never actually hit anyone, and I actually (while I may be pretty loud and swear a lot) don’t believe in screaming or spanking.  But the truth to the matter is that my parents and my parent’s parents would have never tolerated the type of behavior that is tolerated now.  What has happened to basic discipline, respect, common courtesy, and instilling in children an idea of who has the authority and who is to abide by the rules?  Sure, screaming and spanking probably got a little out of control, which is why such a backlash came up against it towards the late 90s.  But the pacified, hands-off approach to parenting that replaced it is making a situation far worse than a kid with a temporary sore bottom ever was.  It’s time for parents to start acting like … well, parents.

And to the line-cutters, the ignorers, and the people who think they are entitled to encroach on other people’s space:  stop teaching your kid to be as obnoxious as you.  Because if you don’t, one day someone won’t just blog about wanting to spank and scream at your kid, they’ll actually do it.

Birthers

The origins of mankind trace back millions of years.  Millions.  Since the Industrial Revolution, the world population has boomed exponentially.  Today, it is estimated that nearly every minute, another human being is brought into this world.  So for all of you birthers out there, it’s time that you accept a truly undeniable fact:

You are not the first person on this planet to have a baby.

In recent years, the common-place practice of women in my age bracket (shall we say ‘around 30’) seems to be to act as if each and every one of them is inventing something new by bringing a child into this world.  Be it blogging about their experiences (as if there aren’t 10,000 other blogs out there devoted to the same, exact thing), acting as if no one understands, or refusing to accept that anyone else could have experienced the same thing in the past, and thus may know a little about what is going on, women everywhere are making themselves ever-more obnoxious by denying that their peers in gender have been bearing and raising children for centuries; wait, no, that’s right – millenia.

Ladies (and in some cases, your effeminate husbands):  everything that has happened to you has happened to someone else, at least once.  While every situation is unique, it is only so by virtue of the unique combination of things that goes on; all of which, though, have (individually) happened to others for countless years.  I hate to break this news to you, but in child rearing, there really is no stone left unturned.

As I continue on, further down that ‘around 30’ age bracket, more of my friends are having babies, adopting children, and finding themselves in a position to choose between being an informed, educated mother that relies on the wisdom of her predecessors to guide her in doing what has already been done before; or, by contrast, to deny in the face of the truth that she is not among peers, but in a position beyond what anyone else could ever comprehend or empathize.  To the latter, I think it is time to get over yourselves.