Conversations With Nick

I feel bad for my husband sometimes. Not only does he have a terribly dysfunctional job situation (works far from home, works too many hours, etc); and has the likes of Hello Kitty Toaster for a family situation, but he’s also married to me. I can be one of the most foul-mouthed, hard-to-tolerate women on the planet sometimes. I’m blunt. I’m crude. I was raised by a man, so every other sentence out of my mouth is “suck my balls.” And while I talk about balls and drop the f-bomb constantly, I’m horrified by things like leaving the toilet seat up, belching in my face, and hogging down our dinner like it’s feeding time at the barnyard. I’m a tough nut to crack at times.

My husband and I also have very little in common. I hate the film industry. He works in the film industry. He is an avid Laker fan. I love the Bulls and  punch things when I see Kobe come on TV. Another thing we don’t really have in common is a sense of humor. My husband has none and I am constantly making jokes about everything going on around us.

Today there were a few times when Nick was being good old, serious Nick, and I was just being my typical crude and poking fun at everything-self. I like to call them Conversations With Nick.

Conversations With Nick, Episode 1: Do I Look Pretty?

B(itch): “I don’t even know why I get dressed or put on makeup anymore.”

Nick: “Neither do I. You look the same no matter what.”

B(itch): [insert glare]

Nick: “What?”

B(itch): “Are you kidding me?”

Nick: “What?”

B(itch): “When was the last time you thought about complimenting me?”

Nick: “Our wedding.”

B(itch): “One: one compliment every so many years is insufficient. Two: ‘you look bone-able’ is not a compliment.”

Conversations With Nick, Episode 2: Are You Putting Your Penis in My Donut?

B(itch): “Hahah! That donut picture I showed you earlier made you want donuts and now everyone on Facebook thinks you’re going to stick your penis in it.”

Nick: “Heather… seriously…”

B(itch): “What, do you want to stick your dick in a donut tomorrow morning? Was that your plan?”

Nick: “No that wasn’t my fucking plan, Jesus!”

B(itch): “Are you sure?”

Nick: “Pretty sure. I’m going to bed.”

B(itch): “It’s 8:15!!! Stay here, I have to come up with a snappy comeback!”

Nick: “You do that. I’m going to bed. See you tomorrow for donuts that I will not be sticking my dick in.”

Conversations With Nick, Episode 3: Peeing Policy

B(itch): [walking out of the bathroom] “I just realized we never got into that whole ‘pee with the door open’ thing people do.”

Nick: “I didn’t know people peed with the door open.”

B(itch): “Yeah, I’ve seen people do it in movies and shit.”

Nick: “So are you saying because you’ve seen people pee with the door open in movies ‘and shit’ that you want to start peeing with the door open?”

B(itch): “No.”

Nick: “Are you saying you want me to pee with the door open?”

B(itch): “No, I’m just saying we never got into that.”

Nick: “Okay, whatever.”

……….

Nick: “So, just to be clear, do you want me to start leaving the door open when I pee?”

B(itch): “No, my God what are you thinking!!”

Conversations With Nick, Episode 4: Oh, you just want to schtick her with your donut dick.

B(itch): “I think Zoey Deschanel has had some major plastic surgery.”

Nick: “I don’t think so.”

B(itch): “Look – in this movie [watching All the Real Girls] she looks totally different than she does now.”

Nick: “She looks the same.”

B(itch): “No way!! She doesn’t have that stupid fucking puckered lip bull shit that makes me want to rip her face off. And she clearly has had some kind of Botox shit put around the top of her face so she doesn’t look like such a meth addict.”

Nick: “I think you have issues with Zooey Deschanel, not whether or not she’s had plastic surgery.”

B(itch): “Oh, you just want to schtick her with your donut dick. I bet you’d tell her she looked nice more often than once every few years.”

Nick: “What in the hell are you talking about? I am not sticking my penis in that donut! I’m going to bed.”

B(itch): “You said that over an hour ago. You can’t resist my foulness.”

I know … I know what you all are thinking: poor Nick. It’s hard to be married to a foul-mouthed skank such as myself.

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Toilet Humor

Okay, for real.  What is going on with people and their obsessions with the bathroom?  I see three arenas where this has become entirely out of control:

1) Jokes About Flatulence and Other Bathroom Incidences in Children’s Movies

The only thing worse than the level of jokes about flatulence in children’s programming and major motion pictures is when they break out the testicular humor.  But seriously, what kind of values can we possibly be teaching children when every other word out of the mouths of the characters that are to give them moral rigor is followed up with a “pull my finger” joke?

2) Flatulence and Other Related Sounds on Phone and Tablet Apps

I don’t know about you, but I did not buy my iPad, nor my HTC EVO, to put applications on them that can reproduce (at the most inopportune time) the loud sounds of activities normally reserved for the bathroom.  What is so funny about this?  I really don’t understand.  There was this woman that I used to work with that would eat about six deviled eggs every day at lunch.  The effects about an hour after she came back are obvious; but no one giggled and laughed like children when it happened.  In fact, we all did quite the opposite.  It made us act more professional and busy to avoid the inevitably awkward eye contact.

3) People’s Obsession With All-Things-Bathroom

Every day I check my site statistics to see who has been visiting my website, what they’ve been looking at, and how they’ve gotten here.  Included in the latter part is a list of search terms that led people to my site – search terms I often take amusement from.  More than anything, though, people are coming to my blog by searching things such as “hillbilly on toilet” and “old hillbilly on toilet.”  It’s my fault, really:  I started it all by blogging about hillbillies so often.  They are a popular subject it seems, not to mention a pet peeve of mine.  And to top it off, I have included one photograph of a hillbilly on his toilet outside, only because it was the first thing that came up when I searched in Google Images “hillbilly outside.”  But why are so many people searching this?  It is literally multiple searches, every single day!

When I began to look into it more, though, I learned it is more than just people’s obsession with hillbillies on toilets.  It’s people’s obsession with all people on toilets.  On YouTube, searching “on toilet” brings up literally thousands of responses – some of which are pranks, where a person was secretly filming another on the toilet; others are people just videoing themselves and uploading it (why?!); even one is someone that is making his own homemade talk show, filmed while he sits daily in the John:  “Toilet Talk With Catterton.”

What is it about toilet humor that is … well, so humorous?  Is this really the level of whit we have dumbed ourselves down to?  I’m all for a dirty joke or two once in a while – but this toilet talk is just out of control.  To me, this is just another sign that our culture is becoming stupider and stupider; and that in our culture of excess, we overdo everything – even our toilet humor.  It would be wonderful if I could see a kid’s movie just once that doesn’t include anal jokes; or walk through the mall to get my rings cleaned and pick up my makeup at Sephora without hearing those ridiculous apps echoing throughout the entire shopping center.  I get it:  people think it’s funny.  A lot of people in this world are rednecks, and rednecks love the synthesis of their two favorite things:  jokes and toilets.  I understand completely.  But at this level?  Seriously?