I Like The Cold

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People always look at me like I’m a complete moron when I tell them that I like the cold. As in cold outside, you know: snow, sleet, wind chill.

I get jealous when I see that there are blizzards going on somewhere in the world.

I live in California. Particularly, Southern California. We have one dial on the weather-o-meter and that’s about it: 70s and sunny. Sometimes we get fog. Occasionally it rains for a few days. Once in a while the winds blow and it hits 90; or the ocean blows in some high 60s.

High 60s. Anything below that and the city in which we live shuts down.

By contrast, I grew up in Chicago. Those of you that have been hanging around the blog for a while know how much I love the city and its suburbs. In the winter, and sometimes in the fall and spring, it is exceedingly cold in Chicago. Like cold-cold.

And I love it.

I guess maybe you don’t realize what it’s like to live in a place that has virtually no weather variation at all until you have. I’ve lived in Southern California now for almost 14 years and I can say without a doubt that it is beyond boring, mainly because of the weather. Yeah, it’s nice to not have to worry about things like closed-toed shoes or scarves and hats. Sure you have the ocean with the EPA’s estimation that thousands of people take a dump in that water every day while out surfing or swimming (related note: I do not ever go in the Pacific Ocean). Okay, you have the beaches you can go to any time of the year ….unless, of course, they’re closed because of all the hypodermic needles sticking out of the sand.

But there is no changing of the leaves really, especially not as dramatically as in the Midwest. You never have the excitement of jumping in a pile of freshly raked leaves; or by contrast the thrill of knowing that spring is just around the corner.

There will never be a first snow of the year for Southern Californians.

No, there will be first snow in the mountains that people will get in their cars and drive to, only after the snowing has already happened. And only for a little while before getting back in their cars and driving home to the 70s and sunny before nightfall.

You cannot get much more monotonous than that.

What I’m saying is that there are no changes of the seasons, which means there is none of the living that comes along with it. I equate living with having these experiences that are unique and exciting and different. Not monotony. Shoveling. Snow balls. Raking leaves. Seeing fresh flowers bloom. Feeling snow in your hair. Ice skating. Sledding in your back yard. Bundling up in a hat, scarf, and gloves for a football game. Hot chocolate when it isn’t actually hot out.

In 70s and sunny every day, there is not much room for exciting and different experiences when it comes to the weather. I find this ironic because in California we pride ourselves on organic-living, which should extend well beyond just the foods we eat into the way we live. And yet there is nothing organic at all about making fake snow at Disneyland or having to drive four hours in traffic to see orange, brown, and red leaves.

I don’t know, maybe it’s all in my head. I must be biased because I love Chicago and dislike California. I’m sure there is an entire conglomerate of blog followers, family, friends, and people that just like to hate me waiting to tell me how I am making no sense. I have rocks in my brains for liking cold weather, or I’ve just forgotten what a foot of snow feels like.

The bottom line, though, is that I’m home again, in suburban Chicago for the holiday. And I felt more alive as I stood in the snow yesterday afternoon than at any point in the last 14 years that I’ve lived in Southern California. I was cold. My fingers felt numb. But I could feel it, and I knew I was there because of it. There was nothing monotonous about it at all, and that is living.

I May Shop On Thanksgiving

not-shop-on-thanksgiving-300x300How many friends will I lose over this one? What kind of a backlash will I receive by people that have followed my blog for years?

Don’t know. Don’t care. Seriously – don’t wear underwear.

You see the thing is, I may shop on Thanksgiving.

And I’m getting sick and goddamned tired of hearing about how you won’t.

I used to work in retail. When I was in high school, I worked at Burger King and then Wendy’s. Then when I moved to California, I got a job at the mall in a department store that no longer exists (talk about making me feel ancient). Then I landed a position in a local pharmacy, where I worked for a whopping seven years.

The company that was that chain of drugstores no longer exists either, having been bought out by CVS a few years ago. I’m going to go dig my grave now.

I always wanted to work on holidays. I requested to work on holidays. A lot of people that work in retail do.

Holidays – for me – were a time to make extra money. We always got off or closed in time to do family stuff. And if – by some odd chance, we didn’t – family stuff was scheduled around my work schedule.

Because what the more privileged people of this nation don’t realize, or are so far removed from their own experiences, is that people that work in retail don’t make shit for salary. Holidays may be family time, but your family ain’t eatin’ shit because you make minimum wage, which is not – in any city or state in this, our United States – a livable wage.

So when I hear people talk about how Thanksgiving is a day for family, and people shouldn’t have to work… And how they will be boycotting shopping on Thanksgiving because of the sanctity of the holiday, I often think to myself wow, these people must have no idea what it’s like to be hungry. And surely they don’t know what it’s like to be unable to buy Motrin for their baby, or pay for their son or daughter to participate in a school field trip.

And I also think that they’re hypocrites. Because for every Kmart that is open on Thanksgiving day, and every Walmart that opens at 6 pm on the blessed holiday of shoving as much turkey down your gullet as you can, there is a restaurant open that no one gives a fuck about being open. Oh Thanksgiving is a time for family? But you want to go to Burger King for breakfast, or Marie Callendar’s for a light lunch before your big family feast. So it’s OK for those people to work, because you need to stuff your face even more that day than you already planned to.

But if someone wants to go to Kmart to get Christmas gifts because they can’t afford to shop at Neiman Marcus, or they don’t have the luxury of free time to stand in lines at Best Buy to get good deals because they have to work two full-time jobs just to pay the rent…HOW DARE THEY TARNISH THE SANCTITY OF MY THANKSGIVING!!!!!

Now I don’t shop on Thanksgiving normally. And I never go to Black Friday sales. The truth is, I’m already done with my Christmas shopping. But allow me to just say a few things about all this ignorance going around about shit being open, and people having to work on Thanksgiving day:

1. Some people can’t afford to not work on holidays. If you don’t understand that, you have some serious learning to do, and it will be done off your pedestal this time.

2. Other people have had hardships, or they don’t have families, or the holidays are really tough for them – for whatever reason. So they like to work to keep their minds off things, and they do it by going to work. Only a total dickweed thinks they have the right to tell others how to cope with their life’s problems.

3. A lot of people that work on holidays want to. I might go as far as to say that everyone I know of that works on holidays, or have ever talked to working on a holiday, has said that they enjoy it and the extra money, and that they wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. I would go as far as to say that.

4. Thanksgiving is celebrating the genocide of an entire nation of people anyway. And gluttony. It’s not like we’re talking about the baby Jesus here or anything, which incidentally I also don’t see people railing against stores being open on Christmas Eve or for a short time Christmas morning.

Because you’ve gotta’ get those last minute gifts, right?

In a nutshell, I think the majority of you people are privileged hypocrites.

Now we can still be friends. I promise. You don’t have to be really mad at me for saying all of this, because really I just have a much different opinion. I happen to know that my opinion is the right one, but we won’t get into that.

All we really need to do is accept that not everyone in this world is living the same life as we are. That’s it! Then we can still be friends, and wield our shared misanthropy around the Internet together. Because in accepting that not everyone in this world is living the same life as we are, we maybe stop making ignorant comments about people that work on holidays, or even that shop and eat out on your blessed Stuff Your Face With Turkey Day. So you hate Kmart for being open all day on Thanksgiving. Fine! You do that! And it’s true that a lot of people there that day will just be shopping to screw the pooch and get a good deal.

But instead of hating on the company for being open, why not turn your hatred into compassion for the employees that probably are thanking their lucky stars that Kmart is open that day. It’s an extra day they get to work and put food on the table. Instead of being such a jerk, why not drop $5 Starbucks cards off to all the employees, or embrace the needs of fast food workers to work on the holiday by stopping by on your way to your Thanksgiving feast to get a soda and just wish the workers a happy holiday.

Maybe – just maybe – then this country would be a better place. If instead of screaming from our Facebooks and Twitter pages how much we want to boycott companies and how morally wrong this or that is, we just love each other and act with everlasting compassion.

Thanksgiving

To All You Jerks Looking For Something To Be Thankful For…

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In the previous two years, I’ve made it sort of a tradition to talk crap about people that do that daily thankful post on Facebook.

See post one here…

See post two here…

It always goes the same (the posts on Facebook):

Day 1

Day1

Then by a week in, Day 7

Day2

Somewhere around Thanksgiving, they’ve run out of ideas, Day 20

Day3

And finally, of course, after all this gratuitous thankfulness, December returns everything to normal

Dec1

To quote my 90s self: gag me with a spoon.

Here’s the thing about these thankful posts: if you are thankful every day of the year, that’s awesome. You don’t have to post about it on Facebook to prove it; you can if you want to. Doing it just in November for the occasion of Thanksgiving, when you can’t even come up with things that you are sincerely and unselfishly thankful for, only to turn right around and return to being a blazing, ungrateful asshole every other day of the year … well, it stinks.

What stinks even more than that is how frequently people come to my blog looking for things to be thankful for, during the month of November.

As I said before, I’ve made it sort of a tradition to talk shit about those thankful posts over the last two years on this blog. That means that over the years, the more people have read and searched out the keywords used in those posts, the higher they’ve been indexed on Google.

Translation: a lot of friggin’ people are Googling “things to post thankful on Facebook” and landing on my blog as a result.

To All You Jerks Looking For Something To Be Thankful For …

Just. Fucking. Stop. It. NOW.

If you have to Google things to be thankful for, chances are you AREN’T ACTUALLY THANKFUL FOR THOSE THINGS.

If you cannot come up with shit that is original, real, unselfish, immaterial, and sincere, chances are you SHOULDN’T BE THANKFUL FOR THOSE THINGS.

If you need a month and a holiday, and a holiday that celebrates gluttony and the slaughtering and genocide of entire nations of innocent people at that, to remind yourself that you should be even the slightest bit grateful for the things you have in your life, chances are YOU’S A DICK.

Here’s the moral: we should all be grateful for what we have, every day of the year. Even if it isn’t much. Even if it’s a lot. It could all be gone in an instant, and it is usually the self-aggrandizing November Facebook thankful posters that don’t seem to realize that. If you want to do your little tradition of posting crap on Facebook you are thankful for, fine – by all means, it is your page. But be sincere about it. Don’t post thankfulness for things like your cellphones and your unmistakable talents in whatever you seem to think you are so talented at.

And for God’s sakes, jerks of the Internet: if you have to Google it, you have some major reevaluating of your lives to do that goes well beyond just finding things to post on Facebook.

Countdown to Thanksgiving Day 2: Teaching With Turkey

Sometimes I wonder how – as Americans – we can pride ourselves on education and history, and yet at the same time completely ignore facts. You can say this for just about anything we deal with in American culture – politics, medicine, social norms. But for now let’s stick to the genocide of the Native Americans.

When Thanksgiving comes, we all do the usual traditions. We dress our kids up in little pilgrim and Indian hats. We teach them to be thankful for their iPhone5s. We tell them that they are unAmerican if they do not eat three times their recommended caloric intake for the day. We dress them in warm clothes to sit outside the Beanie Baby Outlet overnight to get Black Friday deals come the next morning.

But we just totally gloss over the genocide of the Native Americans that the early settlers – without a doubt – committed.

I know, I know – I’m such a Debbie Downer. How dare I talk about something the American people did in a negative vein? How dare I use terms like genocide to describe the annihilation and displacement of an entire nation of people. They wanted to be murdered, cheated, and stolen from, right? It was totally fair to give them blankets covered in small pox to stay warm!

OK, I’m getting off on a little tangent; let me get back to the point. So I plan on teaching this year through turkey. Specifically, when I cook my grandiose Thanksgiving meal, I’ll be labeling everything much like I did at our Thanksgiving party the other night. Now the other night I did normal titles. BLT bites. Turkey meatballs in cranberry sauce. Moroccan vanilla bean cupcakes crusted in sea salt and coated with a hint of caramel icing (we Californians like our adjectives when describing our food).

But Thursday, I’m going with history. Here’s what’s on the menu:

Steal My Land Starters

This will be your typical tray of olives and classic spinach and artichoke dip, with slices of baguette for spreading. But instead of thinking about the calories, we’ll be engaging in discussion on just what it meant for the settlers to steal the land from the Native Americans.

Massacre Mashed Side Dishes

The first massacre ordered of the Native Americans was in 1637, of the Pequot people. What is particularly sad about this is that the settlers very much depended on the help of the Native Americans in those earliest years for survival. So as we shovel mounds of butter and saturated fat-filled gravy all over our mashed potatoes; groan as we wallow in our corn souffle and mashy green bean casserole, we’ll be discussing just how a friendly gesture on the part of the Native Americans was all for naught in the end.

The Truth Hurts Turkey and Ham

I’m making both turkey and ham this year, but it will not be coming without a lesson. Interestingly enough, Thanksgiving was a tradition that the Native Americans taught the earliest settlers. Rather than a feast of excessive adjectives covered in asiago cheese and animal fats that were not even around the continent yet, the Natives celebrated their harvests with these Thanksgiving feasts, consisting mostly of what they had grown and hunted. And it wasn’t just a once a year thing in November; it was regularly and frequently through the course of the harvest season.

“Ironic” how we murdered and sequestered all of them; yet, still claim their tradition for our own. But far be it for me to discuss the truth. That would hurt.

Small Pox Pie

I’m making a classic pumpkin pie and that’s it for the desserts here. Then after my father heads home to watch football, we are heading over to the in-law’s for more desserts. So the only thing I will be serving is small pox pie.

No, my pie will not actually contain small pox; but it will be representative of perhaps the most aggregious of acts on the part of the European settlers (and there were many). At a certain point in the American Indian Wars, the settlers knew that the Native Americans had advantages over them – they were used to the climate; they understood the terrain of the land. What the Native Americans did not have, though, was an immunity to Western disease, small pox in particular.

So what did those lilly-livered fucktards do? They wrapped their blankets around people sick with small pox, then had people who were more immune to the disease take them to the Native Americans as an “offering.” Badabing, badabang – an entire sector of people were wiped out. Pretty fucked up if you ask me.

So I know this is grim. And I am aware that I’ve now created a downtrodden tone going into your Thanksgiving feast this Thursday. I’m sure many of you will unfollow me or call me unAmerican. But as you faithful blog followers eat your food and drink your drink; as you line up at that Beanie Baby Outlet, it’s OK to accept the facts and take a moment to respect the great loss of an entire nation of people. It isn’t unAmerican to accept education and history for what it is. After all, isn’t that what we pride ourselves on?

Countdown to Thanksgiving Day 3: Will Everyone Shut Up About Black Friday Already?

Countdown to Thanksgiving Day 6: Cooking for Ungrateful People (STFU Fridays) was postponed because it contained a snarky, and yet scintillating, roast of a few of my favorite bloggers, one of whom’s father had to unexpectedly undergo an emergency heart procedure to unblock some arteries. B(itch)log is happy to report he is on the mend, and our roast will be featured this week on Black Friday. 

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This morning I woke up and did my usual. I read my emails. I checked my Facebook. I scrolled through my Twitter.

Then I got angry.

That’s pretty usual too, so not entirely out of the ordinary. But I was extra angry this morning. You might say extraordinarily angry; and it was for one reason: Black Friday is this week.

Everywhere I looked, I was being assaulted visually with Black Friday bullshit. I get it. The Christmas season is breathing down our necks. What will I get for Aunt B – the person that has everything? How am I going to manage my meager funds if I don’t take advantage of the Buy 1 Get 5 Free holiday turtleneck bin at Target? When will I have another opportunity to murder someone in line at Walmart to get a good deal on a flat screen TV?

All excellent questions we all ask ourselves year in and year out.

But I still got angry, and for a few reasons.

#1

Christmas Is About Jesus, Not a New XBox360

I’m pretty sure every year on his birthday, Jesus wasn’t screaming at Mary and Joseph for not getting him a new XBox360, or Tweeting about how his life was over because he wasn’t given a new iPad.

Whether you are religious or not, it is absolutely wrong to ignore the actual meaning of Christmas. It ‘aint about what you got, who gave it to you, and who’s off your list next year because they gifted something homemade. It ‘aint family gatherings where Uncle Floyd gets shit faced and moons the Christmas carolers at the front door. It ‘aint a Christmas ham bone getting stuck in the dog’s throat. It’s about Christ.

I’m not about to wax all Catholic on you faithful blog followers; and quite frankly as a Catholic I am well aware that Jesus wasn’t even really born in December. But that’s all beside the point: religious or not, the least we as consumers could do is exert a little humility and appreciation for the actual meaning. And then we can subsequently calm the fuck down on the gift giving nonsense.

This is just like Thanksgiving, though. Do you think Thanksgiving was all about shoving as much turkey into your body as was physically possible? Is the meaning of Thanksgiving to engorge yourself on pumpkin pie until you go running for the bathroom in a sheer fit of fiber-induced gas? I think the answer is obvious.

#2

Thanksgiving Isn’t Even Over With Yet

Seriously. Did Thanksgiving cease to exist? Are people not even doing anything this year? At least that’s what it seems like because the stores are decked out, people’s houses are already covered in lights, and Black Friday is being shoved down our throats.

I read a great post a few days ago about how these retailers are showing their true greed and opportunism by opening at 6 or 8 in the evening on Thanksgiving night. And while I did think it was a great point, I also believe it is the role of the consumer to stand up and say “no” to that kind of bullshit.

But they don’t, obviously because we don’t give a fuck about Thanksgiving or traditions. We give a fuck about our new Bluray players and our Old Navy sweaters.

Now I have been done with my Christmas shopping since September, so perhaps I have absolutely no room to talk. But that wasn’t about getting into the Christmas season, prancing around in my santa hat and sipping egg nog and shit when Labor Day was just passing by. It was about avoiding these assfucks on Black Friday and thereafter altogether.

And while I am generally anti-holiday, being far away from my family and stuck in a pretty awkward and dysfunctional location, I also would like to just enjoy Thanksgiving without the retailers cramming their shit down my throat before my turkey’s even fully digested yet. It’s relaxing to have a lot of people gone and out of town. It’s nice to have my husband around to clean up some of the shit around here.

OK, so if you are a retailer, please kindly consider shutting the fuck up until it’s actually Black Friday. If you are into this early Black Friday stuff, fine; just don’t ask me to get in line outside the Beanie Baby Outlet at fucking 8 o’clock on Thursday. And if you are smart, you’ll do what I did, as well as some of my friends: Amazon, bitch. I have no idea why anyone would go anywhere else. Those Buy 1 Get 5 Free turtlenecks just aren’t worth it.

Next up on the countdown? Day 2: explaining the correlation between the genocide of innocent Native Americans, and shoving turkey down our throats in celebration, to your kids.

Countdown to Thanksgiving Day 7: I Hate You All

Here we go.

I woke up this morning at 5 o’clock. I had no reason to, other than that I was so angry even my dreams didn’t want to be near me.

It’s finally here: Heather’s Holiday Hostility.

This happens every year. For one, I hate the fucking holidays. They’re full of greed, gluttony, and bullshit obligations I shouldn’t feel I always have to keep. For two, my family is all the way across the country in the homeland – holidays just aren’t the same without them. A third, and glaring, part of Heather’s Holiday Hostility is simply:  California. It’s fucking 83 degrees outside and the middle of November. Sorry if it’s hard for me to get all into the season of snow and winter and egg nog when the goddamned air conditioning is on high and I’m trying to find tank tops that say Ho Ho Ho.

Those are just a few reasons though. Honestly I have a lot more than that, but as we get into the 7 day countdown to Thanksgiving, I have a much more pressing issue to discuss. I hate you all.

I Hate You All and Your Thankful Posts

I’ve pretty much beaten this dead horse enough at this point, but I want to say one more thing about these thankful posts.

I don’t hate you for doing them.

I don’t hate you for not being original.

Sure, I told you to shut the fuck up a few weeks ago in my STFU Friday post, but it was just an opinion that if you are going to be thankful you should (a) be thankful through out the entire year, not just one general time; and (b) find some important things to be thankful for besides your iPhone5.

Do you know why I hate you all and your thankful posts, though? Because you can’t allow anyone to descent from your stupid holiday Facebook game. You can’t allow anyone to have an opinion other than yours. And when I posted my STFU Friday post, which I thought I was quite nice in about my feelings on the whole Facebook thankful thing I might add, I got the following message and subsequent Facebook friend deletion from someone I have known for my entire life:

“Shut the fuck up with your STFU blog crap. Get a fucking life and fuck off. I hope I read about your funeral on my iPhone5 that I am thankful for.”

Right. Happy holidays to you too.

I Hate You All and Your “Something Better Came Up”

My biggest problem with the holiday season is it always feels like everyone is competing to do it better. To do it bigger. And I think this is much in part to the fact that so many people seem to be out looking for what is better than the next guy’s crap.

Last year on Christmas Day we went to my Aunt’s house. Her ungrateful children showed up with their ungrateful children for presents about four hours late. They came in, still in pajamas, and said “let’s get this show on the road.” Then the four of them (my cousin, his wife, and their two children) proceeded to just rip open gift after gift after gift, not paying attention to who they were from, not thanking anyone, and actually saying “great… what’s next” after a few of the gifts. Then when they were done, they said they had to go to the “better house” – my cousin’s dad’s place.

Flash forward to now, we are hosting an open house this Saturday for Thanksgiving. That same cousin and his bitch of a wife, and two uneducated and wild children, committed to come about a month ago. When I saw them a few weeks ago at my grandma’s birthday party, they again said they would definitely be there. This would be the first time, ever in history, that they showed up to one of our parties, which is particularly frustrating because we constantly go to their kid’s birthday parties and they have never – not once – come to ours.

So Tuesday night I had dinner with my mom and she broke the news to me that this entire faction of the family was not coming to our party Saturday after all. We aren’t talking about just this cousin, wife and kids, though. We are talking about 3/4 of the people who said they were coming and I’ve already prepared the food for. Why? I quote: “because something better came up.”

I Hate You All and Your Intentional Exclusions

So before I talk about how I wasn’t planning on going to anyone’s Thanksgiving dinners anyway, let me first say how much it hurts to be intentionally excluded.

For two years in a row now, my aunt has hosted Thanksgiving dinner at her palatial estate in the IE. That’s right, for those of you that aren’t familiar with California it’s the Inland Empire, and you can’t drive through her area without fearing death.

Still, the entire family descends on this place for most parties, which is quite a trek for the majority of us. We’ve gone to birthday parties for afore mentioned asshole kids there, we went to Christmas there last year, we’ve gone to BBQs and other miscellaneous parties there, and so on.

And yet for some reason, my husband and I are intentionally excluded from Thanksgiving there every year.

I’m not entirely sure why. I can’t – for the life of me – figure it out. It can’t be that they just dislike us, because they invite us to everything else there. It can’t be that there is certain company around that wouldn’t mesh, because it is the same company every goddamned time. So just what the fuck is it?

It’s starting to get pretty insulting too. My bitchy mother keeps mentioning it then retracting her statement and saying “never mind, you weren’t invited.” Well I hate you and your “never mind, you weren’t invited;” and I hate you all and your intentional exclusions too.

I Hate You All and Your Unreasonable Expectations

That’s the other thing, though. Yes, it hurts to be intentionally excluded from an event, especially a family one. It’s nice for people to offer invites, to extend a warm offering. But when in the fuck did an invitation turn into an obligation?

If I say I’m going to come, well then I have an obligation. But if you invite me and I say “I’ll have to check and get back to you,” or “sorry we have other plans” – now I’m some fucking asshole? What the fuck is wrong with you people?

I’ll tell you what’s wrong: we live in an all or nothing society now. You either do everything I say or you are out.

Beyond that are the expectations of those closest to us. First of all, my father and I have had a tradition since we moved here – we go out to eat on Thanksgiving. We miss our family in Chicago, and I hate to cook … so we’ve always done that. Year in. Year out. It never fails. Always.

But then I got married and sometime in the last few years my husband ordered some sort of a girlie, cosmopolitan-type drink, and my dad got embarrassed. Now my dad’s embarrassment was stupid; and my husband’s drink choice that day was stupid too. But who does it come down on? Me. Now my dad doesn’t want to go out to eat and my husband still wants a traditional meal; and I really really REALLY don’t want to spend the day driving from place to place putting on a fake smile and pretending I love all the people at my in-law’s, so guess what?

I hate you and the fact that now I’m cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Tears are welling up in the back of my eyes at this very moment at the thought of all the cooking that lays out before me. I suggested hosting this party on Saturday so that I could relax on Thanksgiving; now I have an eight course meal to plan out.

Countdown to Thanksgiving Day 7: I Hate You All. Next up on the docket? Countdown to Thanksgiving Day 6: Meal Planning for Ungrateful Assholes.

By the way … don’t be a turkey and BUY MY BOOK! And if you want it signed, just email me for details on how to get that done and shipped back to you for free! Click here, buy book, woohoo!

STFU Fridays: “I’m Thankful For …” Facebook Posters

Ok, so after this week’s Shut the Fuck Up Fridays, I’m probably going to lose about 75% of my Facebook friends after they get a gander at this one. But hear me out before you all get your panties in a wad.

The Cliche “I’m Thankful For…” Facebook Posters

Are you one of those “I’m thankful for …” Facebook posters that never comes up with anything original beyond “friends,” “family,” “a roof over my head,” and other miscellaneous, hackneyed, and seemingly-cliche bullshit?

I have a friend who basically copies and pastes her “I’m thankful for…” Facebook posts each day from the year before. I imagine she has an Excel spreadsheet at home with what she posts for each day of the month leading up to Thanksgiving. And I have yet to see anything original. It’s always husband, house, health – that kind of crap. It’s OK to be thankful for those things, but for God’s sakes: the Internet is about finding things that are unique, not logging on and seeing all 346 of your friends posting “I am thankful for my family!”

In other words, put some thought into it!

So if you are one of these people; these cliche “I’m thankful for…” Facebook posters that cannot look beyond the basic things in life that you might have even an inkling of gratitude for – well, you can just shut the fuck up.

The Narcissistic “I’m Thankful For…” Facebook Posters

I mean generally speaking, the whole “I’m thankful for…” thing is a little self-centered to begin with. Facebook is bad enough with the self-centered posts about what we’re eating/doing/ watching/wearing/loving/experiencing; and every fucking person out there is always blathering on about how wonderful their lives are (as if they really can be that great). But then we have this “I’m thankful for…” thing in the month of November leading up to Thanksgiving, and we’re really hit with the hardcore narcissism.

Now I can’t say this is the case with all of the “I’m thankful for…” Facebook posters, but there are definitely a few out there that just use it as an opportunity to talk about themselves even more than they already do. “I’m thankful for … my great hair.” “I’m thankful for my husband’s hot ass.” “I’m thankful for the wonderful workers at Starbucks who always know just what my order is.” Blah blah blahbitty blah.

Do you know what I’m thankful for? People that are in Africa right now teaching children that would otherwise not be taught. Do you know what else I’m thankful for? Modern medicine for which many of us might not be here now if it weren’t for. I have a long list and none of it has to do with my hair or my husband or my coffee.

If you are one of these narcissistic “I’m thankful for…” Facebook posters; who doesn’t devote at least a few of your days to things outside of your wonderful sphere of life, well then you can just shut the fuck up too.

The “I Don’t Usually Do These Kinds of Things”

“I’m Thankful For…” Facebook Posters

These motherfuckers really get under my skin. They start every “I’m thankful for…” post with some bullshit about how they are jumping on the bandwagon even though they never usually do this chainletter-type Facebook game bullshit.

This one bitch that used to be on my Facebook (operative words: used to) would post every chain letter status update shit she could get her grubby hands on. She’d do the childhood molestation awareness month profile photo thing. She’d do the “I like it on the kitchen table” status update bullshit. She posted every meme and quote and stupid guilt tripping thing about it being brother’s week or mother’s week or sister’s week or “like if you love your daughter” day, and she posted every one of those stupid shit status updates about how 89% of people won’t repost it.

That bitch fucking always participated in that bullshit. But then every year she’d start every single one of her stupid fucking “I’m thankful for…” Facebook posts with “I don’t usually do these things, but I’ll jump on the thankful bandwagon anyway.”

If you are one of her, you need to for real shut the fuck up. Shut. The. Fuck. UP.

I’m hoping that I haven’t lost any of my Facebook friends over this post. I can only think of a few that I have actually told to shut the fuck up through the course of this STFU Friday. If you have to participate in this “I’m thankful for” Facebook post thing, that is in and of itself bad enough. I mean, why is it that people don’t express how thankful they are for the things they are thankful for at all times of the year? Why do they have to have a holiday to remind them to do so? Does this mean that the only time of year these people actually are grateful for the things they have in their piddly shit lives really is Thanksgiving-time? Well that’s the most pathetic thought on the state of human nature that I have had in a long time.

But I digress…

Regardless of all that, if you have to participate in them anyway, the least you could do is take heed to some simple guidelines. Don’t be cliche. Don’t be a narcissist. And for God’s sake, own up to the fact that you not only do do those kinds of things, but you fucking lap that shit up like I lap up every drop of wine when some splashes out of my glass. If you can’t avoid those three simple “I’m thankful for…” faux pas, well then you really just need to shut the fuck up.