traveling | Heather Christena Schmidt

Welcome To Texas, You’re Pregnant

April 3, 2014 by Heather Christena Schmidt

I never thought I’d say this, but I miss California. I miss the way you can go outside and not break into a sweat from the sheer heat and humidity, that is both oppressive and shocking – given that it’s only the beginning of April. I miss our salads. Oh do I miss our salads with our hints of gorgonzola and our notes of fennel. I miss the ability to add beets or carrots to your salad, and I miss […]

Categories: Uncategorized • Tags: California, comedy, heehaw, home, home again, homesick, humor, life, lifestyle, lone star state, satire, social commentary, south, southern states, tejas, texas, trailer trash, travel, traveling, yeehaw

How To Make It Into My Next Book – Vacation Edition

July 15, 2013 by Heather Christena Schmidt

I’ve been somewhat quiet on the blog lately, mainly because I’ve been on vacation for three weeks now. I have one more left to go and I am certainly ready to get home. It isn’t that I just love the community in which I live in southern California SOOOOOOO much. You guys know that isn’t true. It’s just that I like my own kitchen. I enjoy having more than one bathroom for my whole family. And my bed at home […]

Categories: Uncategorized • Tags: bitch, Bitching, book, books, comedy, humor, life, lifestyle, random post, satire, thoughts, traveling, vacation

My Threesome With Pancho and Jesus; or, the Most Humiliating Day of My Life

August 16, 2012 by Heather Christena Schmidt

I couldn’t decide what to title this blog post. I already wrote one early this morning, but then I experienced perhaps the most humiliating and simultaneously hilarious day of my entire life. Mostly humiliating. Think about the most humiliating thing that has ever happened to you. Maybe on your wedding day a bird flew over and laid waste to the back of your dress. Or you were gossiping about a family member, only for your preschooler to repeat every word […]

Categories: Uncategorized • Tags: comedy, funny, hotel, hotel experiences, humor, random event, random story, satire, shower stories, threesome, tourism, travel stories, traveling, vacations gone wrong

Did Somebody Say “Get Me Away From These Douchey Danes!”?

August 16, 2012 by Heather Christena Schmidt

Let me start by refreshing everyone’s memory: My husband freaked out a little bit because I was sitting around crying being so kidless and fancy free, the Pookies being gone for this 12 day trip away from me. For the record, I was not crying because I had free time, but rather I realized how much of a grave mistake it was to allow such a trip to happen. I wasn’t ready for it. Neither was anybody else it would […]

Categories: Uncategorized • Tags: comedy, Danish towns, every day life, humor, life, lifestyle, me time, mom, mom break, mommy, motherhood, random events, random post, satire, solvang, tourism, traveling

Vacation Report 6: Chicago Food versus California Cuisine

April 1, 2012 by Heather Christena Schmidt

So I’m pretty sure I have mentioned this before, but prior to our vacation to my sweet, home Chicago, I essentially starved myself for the months preceding so that I could eat whatever I wanted without worrying about returning to California in a hefty bag (for lack of any fitting clothing). While here, though, I realized that I actually eat better and weigh less when eating in the Midwest for a few reasons, though: (1) I don’t eat many sweets; […]

Categories: Uncategorized • Tags: comedy, cooking, dining, eating, eating out, food, humor, life, lifestyle, restaurants, satire, travel, traveling, vacation

Vacation Reports 2, 3, 4, 5: I Feel Nice Again

March 31, 2012 by Heather Christena Schmidt

Apparently I am becoming nice again. In fact, as I write this there is a large group of about thirty people in the lobby of our hotel, all making noise and being the biggest pigs humanity has to offer – and I’m not even going to blog about them. Half of them are not fully clothed, with large guts hanging out the bottom of their shirts. They’re eating loads for fried chicken and all of their kids are screaming. A […]

Categories: Uncategorized • Tags: comedy, events, family, humor, life, life events, lifestyle, random post, random thoughts, satire, traveling, trips, vacation, vacation report

Planes, Trains, and B(itch)Mobiles

March 17, 2012 by Heather Christena Schmidt

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles was such a great movie. Goddamn it was. It might be my secret love of Steve Martin – ever since Saturday Night Live and LA Story, I have always had an affinity for him. More likely, it’s the fact that seeing that movie over and over again has made me realize that no matter how awful my travel experiences have been, they could always be worse. Today we had a major pre-vacation debacle, so I’m settling […]

Categories: Uncategorized • Tags: comedy, FedEx, humor, life, lifestyle, limousine, satire, taxis, travel, traveling, vacation

Porking My Way To My Past

January 20, 2012 by Heather Christena Schmidt

Okay, before you all get your panties in a bunch over the fact that I used the term “porking” in the title of this blog, consider first what I do not mean. For one, if you were thinking I meant I was going to “pork” all kinds of people from my past, that’s obviously not going to happen because I’m married and the husband doesn’t usually look kindly on infidelity. If you are thinking I’m going to be going all […]

Categories: Uncategorized • Tags: California, California cuisine, Chicago, Chicago-style pizza, comedy, home, homeward bound, humor, life, lifestyle, moral of the story, morality, narcissism, random, random events, random post, random thoughts, stupid people, traveling

Arch Nemesis #57: the Pacific Ocean

October 5, 2011 by Heather Christena Schmidt

That’s right, here I go again being nutty Heather – adding things to the Arch Nemesis List that make absolutely no sense at all. Ultimately, I’m almost certain that my hatred of the Pacific Ocean is nothing more than my ridiculous fear of it. The ocean is a beast. A beast filled with things that continue to baffle scientists. A beast that is unpredictable and somewhat temperamental. A beast that I love to look at, love to sit near, love […]

Categories: Uncategorized • Tags: Arch Nemesis List, Atlantic Ocean, California, Cory Arrambide, I'm on a Boat, Illinois, Lonely Island, ocean, Pacific Ocean, professional surfing, shark, shark porn, shark week, sharks, surf, surfing, swim, swimming, traveling, Ventura surfers, water, water polo, water sports

Heather Christena Schmidt

I like my dogs. My kids? Not so much.

Tag: traveling