STFU Fridays, with our special guest: STFU Socrates

This morning I woke up and looked on Facebook, wasting time while trying to figure out (like usual) how exactly to get through the day. Much to my happiness, the “I fucking love science” page shared a quote that could not be anymore relevant and important, both to my day and us as a society:

This was Socrates’ mantra, and why he was called the wisest man on the Earth. He wasn’t wise because he was a great philosopher. Nor because he knew how to get into the pants of just about everyone in Ancient Athens, despite his garish appearance. He was the wisest man on Earth because when he was told this, he couldn’t believe it. Quite frankly, he told the Oracle at Delphi to shut the fuck up. (I always like to imagine Socrates saying “shut the fuck up, bitch – I ain’t no wise man!” with one of those ghetto, Jerry Springer snaps of the hand.) After that, he went out on a search to prove that he wasn’t the wisest by questioning everything he and others thought they knew (and in doing so, proved the Oracle’s statement absolutely correct).

What happened to Socrates you ask? He was put to death by those dumb motherfuckers who thought they knew everything for trying to prove that he, himself, did not know shit. Talk about ironic. This is the theme for our STFU Fridays, and I have three groups of people that deserve a resounding “shut the fuck up.”

STFU Socrates is joining us.

Hipsters

This weekend in Los Angeles, we’re having the second edition of Carmageddon. If you were around the news or LA last year, you know what this meant. A section of the 405 freeway was shut down, and despite the fact that there are a bagillion other routes people normally take anyway, as well as the fact that it was a goddamned weekend and wasn’t going to be a big deal, the city acted like it was the end of the fucking world. End. Of. The Fucking. World.

Hipsters everywhere came out of the woodwork, celebrating local and bike riding tandem. Yuppies organized a 405 shutdown tandem bike ride. I shit you not, everyone talked on the news about how great this was to re-embrace LA. It was a foodie’s wildest fantasy: what a great opportunity to stay put and eat locally grown organic produce!

Yay local! Yay tofu! Yay Pitchfork!

I’m not sure how shutting down a stretch of the freeway turned into the biggest convention of ugly pants-wearing hipsters ever, but it did. Coachella didn’t even compare. So earlier this month when I saw on the freeway the dreaded sign that Carmageddon 2 was upon us, I immediately prepared myself for more self-aggrandizing, pompous assholes to make their way into the limelight in their lime-colored sunglasses and wearing stretched out, oversized tank tops.

With their cool sense of irony and $99 “vintage” American Apparel hoodies, hipsters annoy me in such a way that I can’t even really describe accurately. It isn’t their ugly taste in clothing. It isn’t their lack of understanding of the term irony. It isn’t even their shitty taste in bubble-gum pop, pseudo-dance music played by morons with 12 inch ear gauges and barely more than a junior high education.

It’s their fucking arrogance.

Hipsters think they know everything. About everything. They have an understanding of music that you just don’t get. They have a taste in fashion that you would never understand. Your deep thoughts are mere blips on the stream of consciousness that is their deep, emotional, and ironic thinking.

I think if Socrates were alive today, he wouldn’t waste his time questioning hipsters. He’d just beat the shit out of  their neon orange skinny pants, bike riding through Carmageddon asses.

What do you have to say to the hipsters, Socrates?

Hypocrites

Hipsters are kind of hypocrites because they embrace cheap and vintage and local, and yet pay a big price in places that manufacture goods in Guadalajara for 5 cents an hour wages. But not all hypocrites are hipsters, so this is a different group. A different STFU.

A hypocrite is someone that quite literally says one thing and does another. A great example of hypocrites are people that go to church and preach fire and brimstone, then go home and drink a case of beer while beating their wives. Another great example of hypocrites are people that say they want a relationship with an honest person, but when the person is honest they call the person an asshole.

A hypocrite is someone that wants women to have equal rights and be treated with respect; yet, at the same time tells her she has to clear things with him first, or have no control over her own things.

I feel like I am surrounded by hypocrites in my daily life. From my misogynistic husband that, indeed, got just as upset about my mentioning how much of a pig he is in my grocery blog as I thought he would; to my trailer trash mom, who complains when I don’t go to family parties but then dumps on every time I offer to host them at our home.

What infuriates me so much about hypocrites, though, isn’t just their hypocrisy; but really their arrogance paralleled to the arrogance of the hipster. The hypocrite knows better than you – that’s why he can be a hypocrite. The hypocrite just has a much better understanding of life and whatever he’s doing that makes him so hypocritical; and you are just too stupid to realize that it isn’t hypocrisy, but the right thing.

What do you have to say to hypocrites, Socrates?

Foodies

I’m really starting to dislike foodies. I don’t mean people that like to eat. I also don’t mean people that like to eat new things.

I mean these motherliving assholes that know more than everyone about food. EpicureansFood connoisseurs. Foodie fucks.

I talked a little bit about this in my Food Nazis STFU, but now I want to touch on these foodie assholes that think their feta don’t stink just as much as the next guy.

I’m talking about the foodie that won’t shut the hell up about the tannins in the wine. The foodie that sticks her large, fucking schnoz into the wine glass to smell the flavor and aroma, as if she really knows what the fuck she’s sniffing for. I’m talking about the foodie that sits there and comments on all the distinct spices that he can taste in a dish. I’m talking about the person that says “ha ha ha … oh, that’s precious and homey!” when you bring over a regular square cake with normal fucking frosting, instead of some berry-infused, fondant-covered plate of shit.

Again, just like hipsters; just like hypocrites – foodies think they fucking know everything. I was on a date once where I brought wine because the guy was cooking pasta. I brought white; a white that World Market said would go well with any pasta or other Italian dishes. I walked in and that motherfucker told me that it “technically” wasn’t the appropriate wine for pasta. I told that arrogant prick he should “technically” call World Market and tell them to change their pairing cards.

The Ancient Greeks were all about eating and drinking. Have any of you ever read Symposium? Those motherfuckers drank wine out of jugs. Jugs! They lived well into old age (for the most part) too, and they weren’t all as fucking arrogant as people are now. I cannot for the life of me imagine a bunch of guys standing around in the Agora sticking their noses into their dirty wine jugs and talking about tannins and shit.

So with that, I think STFU Socrates is the best person for the job on this week’s final STFU. What do you have to say to foodies, just like you did to the hipsters and the hypocrites, Socrates?

STFU Fridays: JerkMom, One-Uppers, Pinterest Users, Contemporary Ballers

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I have a new, weekly theme on my blog. It’s called “Shut the Fuck Up Fridays.” Quite bluntly put, there are a lot of people in this world that really just need to STFU. But they never do because no one seems to have the balls to tell them so. People are so worried about having positive vibes and not offending anyone that it’s like we’ve let stupidity and asshattedness run rampant for the sake of everyone feeling good.

One of my favorite philosophers – Søren Kierkegaard – said that his mission in life was to make things more difficult for people by telling them the way things are – even if they did not want to hear it. Just under 200 years later, I’d say this was his way of telling people to STFU.

For this, the first installation of Shut the Fuck Up Fridays, we’re taking on JerkMom, One-Uppers, Pinterest Users, and Contemporary Ballers. And I’ve brought along my friend Angry Schoolboy to help.

JerkMom

Yesterday I went to lunch with my dad. We were planning on going to a locally owned place by the airport, but it had a one hour wait with tons of booths open. So screwing that place, we moved on to the closest spot – another trip to Johnny Rockets.

We sat outside and were enjoying our meal when all of a sudden this horribly pretentious-looking woman with nostrils so large I could be inhaled into them came up to the host with her old hag of a mother (similarly as pretentious-looking as she) and her kid in a stroller. There was a sign that said no strollers and she said “can you make an exception on this ‘no stroller’ thing for us?”

Really bitch? Angry Schoolboy has something to say to you:

 

One-Uppers

Have you ever had a conversation with someone that constantly has to one-up you? The first inherent sign of this person is that they constantly “know” or “have experience” with everything you are talking about. I was in a relationship once with a one-upper and I called him on his shit by making up a fact about the US dollar bill and saying “did you know that …” and he said he knew; to which I (of course) had to tell him I had made the whole thing up to prove he’s a dick. The relationship didn’t last long after that.

Recently I’ve come in contact with a lot of one-uppers; the most notable of which responded to every story I told with “Oh yeah? Well I’ve got a story that can top that.”

You don’t say? You have a story that can top mine in every single thing that I do, experience, think, or feel? Angry Schoolboy has something to say to you too:

Pinterest Users

Yesterday I posted a blog about how Pinterest and Instagram have ruined my life, by virtue of making everything I cook or do have to be an event worthy of photographing. I included photographs of things I had cooked, quite obviously to illustrate my point. Then – in a moment of true hypocrisy – I pinned the blog post to my Pinterest board set up for my blog, with a clear title and description of the blog included.

I got quite a few click-throughs, none of whom enjoyed my blog. In fact, they apparently didn’t even read the title or description on the pin because they were expecting a recipe.

I don’t understand, where is the recipe for that cake?

Cute blog, although you could get the point across with less bad words. Are you going to post the recipe for those BLT bites at some point?

LOL on me for thinking you actually posted something on Pinterest that Pinterest is for.

Can you at least include links to the cake recipe next time?

Came for the cake recipe. Left because you have an attitude problem.

Oh, Pinterest users. Oh, silly, silly, closed-minded Pinterest users. Angry Schoolboy has something to say to you:

Contemporary Ballers

This morning I saw on Fabulous and Flawed’s Facebook page an eCard about people that use the term “swag.” I wholeheartedly agree – the majority of the time that I see a person use the term “swag” or it’s derivative “swag life” I cringe.

What the fuck does swag even mean now? When I worked in politics that was the term we used to refer to political buttons and t-shirts; although, I am almost certain that popular culture has completely redefined it, like they did with “epic.” Now I see people using the term everywhere. “I’m so swag.” “Got my swagger.” “Kickin’ it on the roof #swag #swaglife.” Do the people using this term – I can only assume inappropriately or out of its original context – realize how stupid they sound?

If I am way off base and it makes sense or actually means something, well then my bad. If I am correct though, Angry Schoolboy has something to say to these contemporary ballers:

 

Reasons #Carmaggedon Could Be A.K.A. Yuppy-fest 2011

It’s my worst nightmare come true:  a festival of yuppies, hipsters, and yupsters banding together in a festival of – dare I say – epic proportions.  That’s right, it’s Carmaggedon.  It’s the weekend we’ve all been dreading, when the section of the 405 freeway between the 101 and the 10 interchanges is closed.  How is Carmaggedon – the event KCET is calling the “freeway apocalypse” – the same thing as Yuppy-fest 2011 you ask?  Well before I get into why, let’s look at some facts first:

Fact #1:  The major Los Angeles 405 freeway will be closed for roughly 12 miles, for about 53 hours, over the weekend.

Fact #2:  This weekend marks the end of the most-traveled time this summer, meaning that most people will have been (and will continue until the end of the weekend) be out of town anyway.

Fact #3:  For those that are in town, alternative routes (including the Pacific Coast Highway) are already common place on weekends, due to plans, scenery, beach-related activities, and other similar recreational factors.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, let’s make the connection.

The Midnight Ridazz

That’s right, the hipsters have named their attempt to do a massive 300+ person walk/ride on the 405 freeway Saturday night the Midnight Ridazz.  The plan is to have this cadre of cyclists (no doubt in their mod outfits, their heads headbanded, all wearing their neon-rimmed glasses) make their way up the 405 North on one of the only times you will see the freeway completely desolate.

Except for a couple of things.  First, the freeway isn’t going to be desolate because it’s been closed for construction work, which not only means a crew of workers and trucks, but a major danger to the unprotected pedestrians.  The second is that the California Highway Patrol has already stated it will have a force just as massive as the hipsters out there, ready to ticket and arrest anyone on the freeway, and out of line.

The Bikers Versus Jet Blue Race

And in come the yuppies.  After Jet Blue announced it would be offering flights from the Long Beach airport to the Burbank airport for a measly $4 a flight, something that deserves a section of its own, some jokesters on Twitter suggested that the bicyclists could beat Jet Blue in a cross-town race during Carmaggedon.  And now, it’s apparently on.  Beyond the sheer stupidity of taking an airplane across town, this really begs the question:  don’t these people have anything better to do with their time?

The Buy Local Yupster Explosion

Now, I’m all for buying local, and supporting local businesses; but the yupsters take it way too far on a normal day.  From their organic farms, to their locally manufactured clothing, support of the local market has been a hallmark of the yupster mentality.  But since NBC LA came out with its 405 Things To Do During Carmaggedon list, emails, Facebook notifications, and Twitter announcements have been made by the hundreds for special “buy local” deals going on over the weekend.  Pictured here is the email I received just today – a huge sale at New Balance LA in honor of the weekend.

Photo credit ME!

With the yuppies, the hipsters, and the yupsters in full force this weekend, Yuppy-fest 2011 makes me crave a good old fashioned L.A. riot – at least then the “countdown to carmaggedon” media coverage of this “historic event” would be justified.

The real deal is this:  sure, the 405 freeway is going to be closed for the weekend and that sucks.  Yeah, the commute time anywhere in or around town will be longer, so you need to make sure you have enough gas in your tank, and snacks on hand to avert crankiness.  Other than that, it seems that the media and the yuppies have again created a hype that is going to end up embarrassing for no one but them.  This evening on the news, the broadcaster said “… well, if you are on the 405 northbound right now, you have reached the point … of no return.”  Sure, traffic is going to be bad, but it’s L.A … what else is new?