Heather Christena Schmidt

By douche, I of course mean a member of the male persuasion who has a natural propensity to being an asshole.  I do not mean that thing you irrigate parts of your body with, like that Summers Eve bottle I once got caught hiding under my bed, after stealing it from my mom to see what it was and to show to my friends when I was only six.  I’m sure there are plenty of women out there that could be referred to as douches, but I will (of course) be keeping this in the context of men for a few reasons:  (1) I myself am a woman who has never come across douches other than male ones; (2) I would argue that a woman that matches these descriptions could more appropriately be coined that thing which starts with a “c” and rhymes with hunt.

A douche pays an unnecessary amount of time on his physical appearance

I have known douches that spend more time getting ready than I do – a task that is difficult, for I have no where to be and nothing other than my hair and make up to do.  A douche will not only spend a lot of time making his hair look just right, or brushing his teeth then flossing then scraping his tongue then applying hydrogen whitener then smiling at himself before finally finishing it all off with a little mouth wash and a stick of gum, he’ll also do completely asinine things like pluck his own eyebrows and wax his arm hair.  You can always tell a douche by the amount of body hair he has – the less there can be found, the douchier he is.  I fully expect that dick-rag The Situation to have not a lick of hair on his entire body.

A douche uses retarded buzz words and doubles them up

You can always tell a douche is in the room when you hear someone repeating all of the words he says.  “Cool cool” is a good example, another is “ay-ight ay-ight.”  A douche always uses buzz words that are retarded and make no sense too.  As much as I loved Swingers, “money” is a buzz word I still have yet to grasp.  So is “tight,” as well as “brah.”  Any combination or repetition is walking a fine line into complete douche territory.

A douche always has super-douchey bumper stickers

Douches invariably have the most tasteless, hillbilly-esque, bumper stickers on the back of their Hummers/pick up trucks.  The one I like to steer clear of the most is the image of innocent, little Calvin (from Calvin and Hobbes) pissing on something that the douche bag doesn’t like.  Sometimes it’s another car logo, other times it’s something really inflammatory like a cross – in any event, douches always have these types of bumper stickers on their cars.  The others usually involve guns, red meat, and Ford products.

A douche will always blame his problems on someone else

This is one of the most douchiest things a douche can do, and they do it all the time.  Unable to admit he has any faults of his own, the douche will always look for other people to blame for every, single, cotton-picking thing wrong in his life.  It’s so obnoxious to hear a douche go off on a rail about everyone else’s part in his shortcomings.  The ones I like the best are when there is literally no way that someone else could be to blame, like in the case of the size of a douche’s member.  Douches will blame their impotency on the women in their life too – this is possibly the most classic symptom of being a douche.  I read on a blog a while ago “if a guy can’t get his dick up it’s because their’s something wrong with his dick, not with you.”  Truer words were never spoken – but a douche won’t be able to accept that and will always try to blame someone else.

A douche will be only focused on himself

Have you ever gone on Facebook and seen douches and c–u–next-times commenting on another person’s joyous status, only talking all about themselves?  God that really pisses me off.  “Hey Ken, congrats on the new job!  You know I have been working in my new job for about a month now, doing really well and just got promoted!”  “OMG LOL I was just saying that everyone is having babies like we did!  Good for you!”  If you can’t congratulate people without turning into being all about you, shut the fuck up douche!  It goes beyond that, though, because a douche will always prioritize his own priorities way above you, even though (in a lot of cases) you should be his priority.  Particularly relevant in relationships, a douche will constantly remind you of the things that are far more important to him than anything you have to say – it is the proverbial talking at a wall.

A douche will almost always have some sort of overblown thing, like muscles or cars

Typically, this is because the douche is compensating for the fact that his penis is way too small to even be seen with a microscope, or because his balls are still located in the purse of his ex-girlfriend.  A douche will typically be seen with big obsessions which are maxed out as much as possible, be it in working out (big muscles, obsessed with his muscles, kisses his muscles), cars (lots of cars, works on cars all the time, reads about nothing but cars), etc.  I dated a guy in high school once that hit up GNC every Tuesday for their muscle milk and creatine specials, and whenever he put his arms around me it was clear that he was trying to flex me to death so I wouldn’t notice the unreasonably tiny twig-like thing poking into my back.  And in the end like the most of them, he was most certainly a douche.

A douche likes to get into fights

There is nothing about a fight that makes anything about you bigger.  This includes (but is not limited to):  your muscles, your ego, your pride, your head, your penis, your balls, or any other thing the douche may think gets bigger as a result of getting into a fight.  And yet, douches do it all the time.  Those whack ass guidos on Jersey Shore are constantly getting into fights – it’s as though they cannot even stop themselves.  There is always a more peaceful way to stand up for your girl, get back at that loser that is hitting on your woman, or defend the honor of your schwanz.

If you, or anyone you know, fits into more than a few of these qualities, doucheness may be what we have at hand.  Reassess the situation and (if it is you) possibly consider a career as a cast member of Jersey Shore.