Vacation Report One: Misanthrope Does Not Stop at Los Angeles

I really and truly thought I was just a misanthropic, foul-mouthed bitch because of my surroundings. As much as I knew (and people told me) that the underside of humanity exists everywhere – not just L.A. – I hoped that as soon as I broke free from the western waters I would find myself less annoyed by people around me.

I was terribly terribly wrong. So wrong that I now realize this vacation is going to teach me a lot – mainly about myself and what has happened to my conceptions of the world since living in California.

Thus far, I have experienced the following “characters” during our 44 hour scenic train travel (that’s right, I’ve been on a train for 44 hours … no shower, plenty of sleep in our sleeping car, lot of sights):

(1) Most annoying lady on the planet

That’s right, I have found the most annoying woman on the planet. Maybe she’s just representative of annoying, middle-aged women everywhere; nonetheless, she was on the trip. Her annoyances included: talking so loudly during dinner the first night that we decided to take our meals in our sleeper cars lest we be forced to sit near her again; bitching in the middle of the night about the fact that the train was running about an hour late; and the icing on the cake, banging on the bathroom door while my 8 year old Pookie was (as she calls) “taking a whiz.”

(2) Kid who was lucky he got off when he did, because I was about to punch him

You know, in movies you see people traveling and there is always some annoying kid running around screaming like a maniac and hitting people. You think “haha, funny stuff – glad that doesn’t happen when I travel.” Well, somewhere around Albuquerque, that little asshole got on the train and was placed in the sleeping car next to us. The highlight was when the kid loudly sang a song in the Pee Wee Herman voice about his recent bowel movement.

(3) The Amish belcher

In the sleeper cab behind us, a man and his wife got on the train around Fullerton (California) and have been there the entire time. One thing to note is that they are Amish. Not like the colloquial application of the term and just out of date with their clothes and 1990s cell phones; these people are for real Amish. The husband apparently had some sort of intestinal issues, though, for I have never heard someone blow things out of the various orifices of their body as this guy did.

So we have about four more hours on this train, and while the experience of traveling across the country in it was amazing, I will probably never do it again. It’s just so long, and this bitch needs her shower time. Nonetheless, I have spaced out for the last two days and feel totally relaxed. Next stop, home sweet homecoming.

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  1. mikeballenger2011

    Nice post…Dare you to come down South where I am(Alabama) scary shit going on down here;)Esp in Wal-Mart. I did d recent post on all the crazy shit I saw in one day over the weekend. check it out. Let the good times roll!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Wal Mart is frightening – anywhere you go! It’s like the state of nature hahah!!

  2. gkorula

    We love our train journeys in India. 44 hrs is a breeze and we ain’t got no dining car or coupes to ourselves either. You share with either 4 people or 6 people. But you do get fantastic hot Indian snacks and meals and great views of the countryside, something you totally miss when you fly. The train journey is very much a part of the holiday. Have a good vacation

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I would be interested to take a train in India … just for the experience because I have seen so many movies with Indian train travel haha

  3. bornattwentyfive

    The most annoying woman in the world can’t be there, because I’m currently living with her here in FL. Your right, there are middle aged annoying women everywhere!

  4. sammcs3990

    You should have shaved the amish guy’s beard. Amish guys start growing them once they’re married. It’s like a badge of honor. You would have shamed him into a life of indecency – something all amish people avoid like the plague.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      You are so right … if there are Amish people on the trip home, I’m totally doing it.

  5. alienredqueen

    I just want to preface this by saying, if you look back at one of my other comments, I’m sure “I told you so”. :p lol
    Anyway, we have a lot of “real” Amish here. It always amuses me that they can’t have cars, but they can get rides in other ppl’s (how’s that fir working the system?) and electricity is out, but apparently a 24 can case of Mountain Dew is perfectly cool, as is patronage at the Walmart, where I can say firsthand, all sorts of wardrobe debauchery occurs.
    I have a character for you. On my return trip from (somewhere/SoCal?) I sat behind a gentlemen who kept insistently picking the scabs on his head. I wanted to fucking puke.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      That’s gross. Scabs off his head? UGH! You were right, though – I knew it all along. There are dickweeds all over the place. Fortunately, I am back “home” for the next week where I have enough nice people around me to make the assholes seem less, well assholish haha.

  6. The Confluent Kitchen

    Yeah. It turns out there are assholes everywhere. At least the train ride is almost over and you can shower now. 🙂

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Yep, I showered like ten minutes after we got off the train. It was the greatest shower in my entire life hahah!

  7. stephanie fitzpatrick

    I heart The Amish belcher!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Oh Lord, you can have him!! HAHA! Thanks for reading!

      1. stephanie fitzpatrick

        I figured as much! =) It sounded like one crazy fun adventure!!!

  8. goodoldgirl

    LOL Two days on a train — hell on wheels!!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      You got that right! Thanks for reading!

  9. Frugalistablog

    I think you just make this shit up. 🙂 (wink, wink) Have fun!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Oh, I wish I were (especially in this train case)…ugh…hahaha

  10. brains

    i want to take a train across country. the book i’m currently writing involves people on a train from california to about texas before they have to jump off.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I would recommend no more than two days. It gets to be a bit much at that point. OR make lots of get-off-the-train stops! Thanks for reading!

      1. brains

        thanks for writing something worth reading. not everybody can.

  11. Jeremy (@takeshikitano3)

    Oh I never would have blamed your LA surroundings, I knew it was you all along!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Well there you go. Reiterated by your continued reference to me as “bitch” while bowling Friday 🙂

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