Dodger Fan Douchecan

I am from Chicago. I am not from Los Angeles. There is no way in hell I am going to be a Los Angeles fan.

That means I do not like the Dodgers. I do not like the Angels either. Further, I cannot stand the Lakers (especially Kobe). The Kings are somewhat innocuous to me, but that’s because I just don’t care much about hockey. Lastly, I think it is absolutely pitiful that a major metropolitan does not have a football team. I also hate the Raiders and the Saints, though – which are apparently the default teams for citizens of southern California.

All that being said, I do not begrudge others for being fans of whatever team they hold allegiance to. When in Chicago, I do not begrudge people that are fans of the opposing teams, or rather that happen to live there but be fans of other areas for whatever the reason may be. My husband grew up in the suburbs of LA, so he is obviously an avid Lakers and Dodgers fan – we even have what he coins a “Dodger wall.” I could care less about the wall or the fanship, but I will not change my team allegiance just because I got married. And I wouldn’t expect him to either.

I know that fans can be ugly in other areas of the country, but I have never seen fans act so nasty and vicious as they do here in Los Angeles. At the first Dodger game I went to, a young woman walked across to her seat in a Giants t-shirt and there was so much food thrown at her that she couldn’t get in her seat without swiping it all on the ground. Another time we went to a game, the Cubs fans sitting in front of us had beer poured on them by Dodger fans in the deck above. Some of the most violent things have happened outside of Dodgers stadium after games as well: people have been stabbed, beat up, shot, and one person has even been killed. Lakers fans are just as bad – who riot if the Lakers lose or win.

So I was running errands today and standing in line at Target when this total douchecan wearing a Dodger hat cut in line in front of me to ask for a price check on a Brita water filter. The price on the screen came up differently than the price he had seen online, though, so we all had to stand there for about fifteen minutes while they argued over this price check. I was pretty annoyed. It wasn’t until about five minutes into the waiting that I realized I knew the guy – he is the husband of an ex-boyfriend’s friend. It’s been years since I was dating the guy (about a decade) so I was surprised I recognized him, but then again how could I forget him? We went on a “double date” one time to a baseball game at one of the local colleges.

I remember it well. He wore a Dodger hat then as well, I a White Sox hat. While it may or may not have been the same hat he was wearing today, he acted like just as much of a self-important dick then as today at Target. We were at a community college game and the guy kept screaming as if he owned the team and had a vested interest in them winning. At one point I remember someone behind us telling him to quiet down; to be honest I was surprised his screaming didn’t get us kicked out. At the end of the game, he capped off his little tirade with “the Dodgers never would play like this – what a sorry bunch of losers these guys are. They’re playing like the White Sox.” We all laughed, awkwardly and he looked at my hat and said “I’m fucking serious.” I remember thinking to myself just who in the fuck goes to a community college baseball game, on a double date no less, and acts like this? A Dodger Fan Douchecan, that’s who.

Ironically, I am going to a game tomorrow at Angel’s Stadium. The White Sox are coming to town and so (of course) we pulled out all of our team gear and are heading down for some beers and baseballs. We needed to find another White Sox shirt to take with, though, since most of what we have is cold-weather clothing and it’s going to be pretty warm tomorrow. So after my encounter with the Dodger Fan Douchecan, I went out searching for a team shirt … only to be confronted with even more Dodger Fan Douchecans in my community.

I went to every sporting goods store in the county: Sports Chalet, Sports Authority, Team Gear in the mall. Team Gear had the closest thing I could find to a non-California team shirt, but they were jerseys for the Heat and the Yankees. They had one Derrick Rose shirt marked down also, but someone was buying it while I was there. At Sports Chalet, I walked in and asked where the team shirts were. I was clearly speaking to another Dodger Fan Douchecan, though.


Hi! Where’abouts in the store do you keep the team shirts?

Dodger Fan Douchecan

The wha?


The team shirts … you know, like the sports teams.

Dodger Fan Douchecan

Oh … what team ‘choo lookin’ for? The Dodgers?


No. I was looking for the White Sox.

Dodger Fan Douchecan

The who?


The Chicago White Sox

Dodger Fan Douchecan

Aw, no man. Only Doyers an’ Angels represented up in here.


Hmm. Okay, well thanks.

Dodger Fan Douchecan to his coworker as I walked out

Man, the nerve. E’rbody know only Angels and Dodger fans allowed up in here. Pssh.


After hitting up the remainder of the stores in the area and getting the same, exact response from all of them, I see now that he’s right. Only Dodgers and Angels fans are allowed up in here.

I suppose in some sense I get it: if the population is primarily made up of a particular fan base, they’d only be losing money to carry merchandise that no one would buy. That really isn’t the point, though. The point is that my experience with Dodger Fan Douchecans is such that I get the impression these people think the Dodgers are where its at in all walks of life. I’m not saying that the Dodgers make people douchecans like this – assholes that will dump beer on someone sitting in front of them, stab a non-fan in the parking lot, and act like a totally self-centered prick in general life. Those people are just assholes, irrespective of the team. But this happens a lot with Lakers fans too, and I presume Angels fans. So is it that these teams attract douchecans?

I’ve only been to Angels stadium once, actually, so it will be interesting to see if they are just as arrogant and pompous as the rest of these people. Given their record this year, I’d hope they know better.


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  2. AlexanderTheGeek

    When you mentioned the Kings, for a second I thought you were talking about the NBA team, The Sacramento Kings, in which case I would have been excited, since originally they came from (kind of) my neck of the woods in Kansas City. I actually live in Wichita, but we don’t have any pro teams here so I’m forced to support KC teams. It’s, uh, kind of a rough life being a Chiefs and Royals fan.

    Oh and yeah, hockey is lame.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Hockey IS pretty lame. I find it to be terribly pathetic when major cities don’t have teams – Wichita (to me) is major enough that you guys should have some teams of your own. But then do you have minor league baseball at least? Because sometimes minor league is way more fun and authentic than professional baseball.

      1. AlexanderTheGeek

        We’ve got minor league baseball (Go Wingnuts!, I guess) and hockey. Our hockey team is, apparently, quite good, but no matter how good they are, the fact remains that its still, well, hockey…

      2. Heather Christena Schmidt

        Wingnuts? Is that really their name. If so, that is AWESOME!!

      3. AlexanderTheGeek

        Yup, sure is. It’s an aviation thing, since Wichita is a big airplane manufacturing center. We call ourselves the “Air Capitol of the World”— which, in my opinion is a bit silly since it seems like nobody in the industry can keep a freakin’ job for more than 6 months before getting laid off.

  3. Smaktakula

    Ma’am, your anti-Dodgerism (or Dodger fanism) is ugly and upsetting. Blue is beautiful!

    Just the same, I hope your Sox rip those OC poseurs a new one.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Oh, they did… actually the same exact score as the last time we saw them pitted against each other as well. And I am not against Dodgers. I’m against their fans stabbing the shit out of each other. I really just think everyone would have a much greater time if some of the more dangerous Dodger fans stayed away!!

  4. rich

    you already know this, but if you want to piss off dodger people – and their fans are some of the worst fans in all of sports – wear something of the san francisco giants or the oakland a’s. they hate that.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Yeah, I thought about wearing a Giants shirt to one of the last games we went to and my husband said he didn’t want to get knifed for being with me hahah – it really isn’t actually funny, though, because the Dodger fans are the WORST!

    2. Smaktakula

      Rich, the first is correct, but nobody cares about Oakland.

      1. rich

        not anymore, yeah. i was stuck in the 70’s there for a minute.

      2. Smaktakula

        Oh yeah, circa ’73, the A’s were a shaggy wonder to behold!

      3. rich

        before reggie was in pinstripes but still a great slugger.

      4. Heather Christena Schmidt

        “A shaggy wonder” hahaha!!

  5. icanseealotoflifeinyou

    My brother is famous for ranting, “…and *this* is why I hate all sports,” after incidents like yours. I realize not all sports fans are like this- I really do- but waaay too many are. I find it truly bizarre. Mob mentality is gross.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I think that is exactly what it is too – mob mentality. And you are right, it is totally gross.

  6. hecallsmescroogy

    I know I’ve commented about sport allegiances before, but sistah, you are preachin to the m.f. choir! i never realized it myself until i started dating a- gasp- Yankees fan in Baltimore!!! seriously, we actually got stares like it was 1960s Alabama and we were different races.
    people need to chill. it’s a damn GAME. geesh. the players themselves switch teams all willy nilly. these peeps must chill. i have hidden their keys.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      You know you have a really good point – the players switch like it ‘aint no thang. Why must their fans be so psychotic about it?!

  7. alienredqueen

    It’s hard to believe ppl actually act this way. You should write a sitcom based on on your life. 😉

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I agree – about it all! I think it’s me though that attracts all these assholes hahaha

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